As the late hour continues to tick by second by second, minute by minute, my mind races with recent events. And within those recent events there lies the coinciding conversations with an old friend.

Over the last couple of days, he and I have had some rather...eye opening discussions, bringing back long and nearly forgotten memories from a lifetime ago.

As children, I don't think we fully comprehend or even really consider the deeds we do for our friends. The small comforts that only a child can give to another...a word of comfort...an arm around the shoulder...someone to understand them. And that...that thing we never consider...can last a lifetime.

I remember all the times, more so now that we've spoken of them, where he and I would spend time at the park in our neighborhood. We would sit back on the play equipment, far out of the sight of passersby, discussing things that, while experienced, were far from our own understanding.

The tears were never mentioned to another soul. The overly emotional responses to death, abandonment, abuse and life were kept within the confines of the world we created while together. A trust built that I never realized had become so paramount that I was the only one who had it. I never knew. I never knew that those times meant so much to him, and I don't think he ever realized how much those moments between us meant to me as well.

As children, we are often left to figure things out. Adults become the bad guys, the ones that push all the pain unto their children, and the trust that's supposed to be there for parents are no longer. They're no longer the safe haven you thought they were...so we find that trust...that...connection...with someone...that one person that we tell our secrets to. The one person (and I'm not talking about any kind of romantic relationship/person), but just a good friend that you aren't ashamed to show emotions to.

And he and I had that with each other. We told each other everything that we could never tell anyone else. And in those moments, we cried, laughed, and understood the pain the other was in, even if we didn't fully understand it ourselves.

But the feeling that you're not alone...especially as a child when the path you're forced to walk down is a terrifying one...when you can reach out your hand and know that that person will take it, is something that I can't really explain in articulation.

But to know that we did that for each other...to know that I was the only one he trusted with this information, knowing that it would never go beyond that sitting space at the park...was and is something that...as a child I never really considered. It was just something that was.

I never knew what I did for him back then, simply by being someone that he could lean on without hesitation and for any reason...to listen...to provide that bit of security...that he was so sorely lacking. That we were both lacking.

Neither one of us are people that show emotions, especially around other people, easily. But with the two of us...it was natural. We both shared secrets that haunted us. We both cried in each other's arms when life became too much for us to handle.

And it wasn't until we had this conversation, that I really thought back to back then. And like I didn't realize what I had done for him, I don't think I really realized what he had done for me. Until I really started to think about all the time we spent together. How much I really trusted him unlike everyone else in my life. Even my "best friends"...the two people I spent more time with than anyone else...didn't know the things I told him.

And while at the time I might have considered all of this, I'm rediscovering it now as I travel back in time to my childhood. Back into those moments that seem so far back it's almost surreal. Back into...I wouldn't say simpler times...because it wasn't simple...but back to where things were terrifying, unknown, and unsure.

And within all of that, we were each other's guiding light. We were all we had in those moments of emotional upheaval.

And as I think back, I never had another friend like that before or since. I can only hope that he knows, believes, and understands what he meant to me back then. What he did for me. What we did for each other. It's something that I'll forever hold onto.

And while life has taken us in different directions, he'll always hold that place that he's always occupied. And I love him dearly for it.