Jaxsen listened closely. They weren’t yelling, but talking just loud enough. When he heard his father’s name his breath caught. What debt? He listened closer but the conversation took a sudden turn. What did she mean not to go to the park? When he heard the door click letting him know she did in fact leave, Jaxsen crept into his bedroom very confused. 

           Sebastian stood still for several moments so vexed by her words; her nerve! He was so completely far from irate that he couldn’t see the world around him. He wanted to rage. He wanted to scream and destroy any and everything he could get his hands on. He wanted to cry. He felt that familiar heart shattering feeling as his mind returned to a place he tried his damnedest never to return to…

          “Daddy, Daddy, I’m gonna hit this one to the parking lot! You ready to pitch it?” Daniel Green was characteristically exuberant about their father-son bi-weekly trip to the park to pitch around and hit some baseballs. The day was warm and the sun was out. Birds sang their sweet summer songs and not a cloud in the sky could be seen. They’d finished their lunch of chips and ham sandwiches with canned lemonade. The breeze felt great against Sebastian’s face as he laughed and played with his son.

         Daniel pointed way left field in an imitation of Babe Ruth before stepping up to the plate. Sebastian smiled at the serious look of concentration on the boy’s face. He wound up for the pitch…

        In a moment life can change. It can alter so drastically as to leave you forever scarred. Sebastian never did get to throw that perfect pitch for that Babe Ruth homerun. The ball dropped forgotten to the ground and time froze and moved in slow motion simultaneously. With a scream of his son’s name Sebastian began to run. To the right a car barreled through the chain link fence with the echoing of a tune of crushed metal cutting into the bird’s sweet melody. 

       Daniel looked in the direction of the commotion, his legs leaded down and unable to move out of the way before the boy’s screams were silenced.

      Sebastian came to on the floor where he must have slid down the wall. His knees were drawn up for a rest for his elbows while he cradled his head in his hands. Tears streaked down his face and he found it difficult to breathe. After several minutes he got up, cleaned up the mess in the kitchen before deciding to go get Jaxsen from his room. Maybe the kid was still hungry. As he passed through the living room he glanced at the clock. Almost lunch time. It had been over an hour since that initial knock on the door. He knocked lightly not wanting to scare him with the sudden sound. The door opened and a tiny face appeared in the crack before the door was pulled open for further admittance.  

      He didn’t say anything, simply went back to sitting on his bed. Sebastian came all the way into the room and faced him. Why was he nervous?

     “Can I sit down?” Jaxsen nodded but kept his gaze averted. He watched his fingers nervously. Slowly Sebastian lowered himself to the bed. “Are you alright? I didn’t mean for Ellie to upset you when she came in. Nor did I when I sent you up here. There’s just…some conversations between adults that kids don’t need to hear. Understand?” Again the head bob. “Hey, Jack, what’s up? Talk to me.” 

      There was a long moment of heavy silence. By the increase of movement in little fingers, Sebastian knew he was working out a way to say something. 

    “Are y-you m-m-mad?”

      Sebastian reached out to him and he jumped slightly. “I’m not gonna hurt you, Jaxsen,” he said softly before placing his hand on Jaxsen’s back. “I’m not mad. I was mad. I was not mad at you. But I was mad. Now…now I’m just a little sad. And hungry. You still want something to eat?”

    “You’re not mad at me?” he asked ignoring the presented inquiry, bringing his scrutiny from the blankets. 

       “No. Why would I be mad at you?”

        He shrugged and looked away again. “No one else ever had reasons.” He said it quietly to himself, hoping that Sebastian didn’t hear him. Sebastian did in fact hear him, but chose not to comment. Instead he gently pulled to bring Jaxsen closer. He resisted. Sebastian felt his heartstrings rip at the retrogression and sighed lightly. Damn it. He leaned to his right and gently kissed the boy’s head. He inhaled Jaxsen’s unique scent and smiled softly. 

        “It’s all right,” he whispered still not breaking contact. “Jaxsen, no matter how angry I might become, whether it be at you or someone else, you never have to be afraid of me.”

        A small sniffle. “I-I’m not.”

    “Yes, you are. But it’s okay. Words are cheap, believe me, I’ve been around a few years. Had my fair share of broken promises. But I aim to prove it to you.” Jaxsen met his eyes with open scrutiny. “Can I do that? Will you allow me to earn your trust?” Jaxsen studied his face, his eyes, his soul. The boy stared so long Sebastian almost began to squirm, before finally giving affirmation. “Good. I’m glad. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. What’s say we make a day of it and after lunch we go see a movie and get some ice cream?”

    “Really?” Jaxsen’s eyes lit up and that electric smile appeared again. 

    “Really, really. I’m gonna jump in the shower and change. You should, too, or soon you’ll have potatoes growing outta your ears if you’re not careful.” He was delighted when Jaxsen giggled.  Sebastian got up but turned when he was called. Jaxsen stood in front of him having climbed from the bed and reached up. Sebastian lifted him easily and they hugged for a time span of several heartbeats. 

When they returned home it was dark. They’d had a hefty breakfast, which Sebastian supposed was actually lunch, and made their way to the theater. Sebastian asked Jaxsen what he wanted to see and lifted him into his arms so the boy could view his options without the vicissitudes of bodies in his range of vision. Jaxsen smiled brilliantly, giggling slightly as he was lifted into the air. He picked a movie with much excitement until he noticed the movie didn’t start for another couple of hours.

Sebastian noticed his sudden change in demeanor and inquired to the sudden mood shift. 

“Well, how about this,” Sebastian said as they moved up one in line. “How about we get the tickets now and come back when it’s time?” 

Jaxsen shrugged, sullen. “What do we do until then?”

Sebastian, still carrying the boy on his hip, slowly rocked back and forth. Jaxsen rested his head on his shoulder and played with the short strands of the hair on the back of his neck. He could feel tiny fingers tickling his skin and smiled to himself. He was learning the child’s moods and consequently learning how to bring him out of his sour ones. 

“Well, I know of a park we could go kill some time at. We can swing and climb the monkey bars and slide down the really tall spin-y slide. Whatcha say? Wanna play a bit before the movie?”

Jaxsen smiled again but did not lift his head from his perch. “That sounds like fun.” He spoke quietly, but there was a smile in his voice. They stood in line a few more minutes, Sebastian ever rocking back and forth, slow and gentle and calming. 

They played at the park for not quite two hours before returning to the theater. They ran and chased and played. Sebastian swore he’d never seen the boy that relaxed. After the movie they stopped at a local 5 Guys Burger and Fries and shared a big order of fries between them with their meal, enjoying easy going and light conversation, before stopping for the promised ice cream. When they finally arrived home Jaxsen was sound asleep. Sebastian lifted him from his seat and carried him inside. 

He dropped the keys into the blue porcelain bowl that sat atop an end table by the front door before carrying Jaxsen to his bedroom. He turned on the bedside lamp and laid the boy down to take off his shoes. Slowly as to not wake him, Sebastian indolently took off one shoe and then the other. He repeated the process with Jaxsen’s jeans and shirt. He removed the clothing in short order and retrieved Jaxsen’s favorite sleeping clothes. As he turned to put the clothes onto the boy something caught his eye. He looked closer. Scarring. All over his legs of varying shapes and sizes marred his youthful skin. He dragged his eyes upward toward Jaxsen’s torso. Anger interposed itself within him; amalgamating with his blood stream, he felt it in every part of him.

All over Jaxsen’s chest, stomach, and upper arms was a multitude of scars. Many he could identify the causes. Circular ones, cigarettes and cigars, judging by the sizes. Straight marks--lines caused by a straight blade. They crossed over one another in plaid-like patterns. Anger, unadulterated fury rushed through his veins as the puzzle completed itself. He’d noticed the signs. The way Jaxsen would flinch away, how worried he became when Sebastian was angry. The fact that he was too afraid to speak when he first arrived. Sebastian had been told that he had been selectively mute for some time before his arrival in Indiana. The comment about ‘no one else having reasons’…

He’d hoped that things hadn’t been as bad for the boy as it had seemed; he’d hoped. Now as the undeniable evidence stared at him, it laughed at his naivete. He dragged his eyes up towards Jaxsen’s face. Still, he slept almost peacefully.

The anger gave way to a desolate sadness that threatened to destroy his resolve to stay calm. Quickly and with shaking hands, Sebastian put the boy’s pajamas on him and pulled the covers up around him. Gently he swiped a stray lock of hair from Jaxsen’s face and dropped a light kiss to his forehead.

“Sleep sweet, sweet boy,” he whispered before making his way toward his own bed.

For Sebastian, sleep was elusive. All his mind would see were the scars all over Jaxsen’s body. As he imagined them his mind became cruel, coming up with scenarios that may have led to such marks. All night his mind ran from image to image of what might have been done to his son. He stopped short. When did he start to think of him as his? He wasn’t sure. He knew this was not the first time he’d called Jaxsen ‘his’…at least in his own head. 

He took a moment to consider this line of thought. He lightly smiled. There was no doubt in his mind that that little boy down the hall had Sebastian Green wrapped around his little finger. He smiled a bit more at the thought before sleep finally claimed him.