There was a brief pause as Corbin waited expectantly for him to begin talking. Ivan had no idea what to say or how to articulate it and he could feel his frustrations building. “What is it that you’re expecting me to tell you, Corbin?”

Corbin sighed sadly, breaking eye contact with the man sitting across from him. “I want to know why you’re still blaming yourself. I want you to tell me why you’ve kept all of this from me. And damn it, if you tell me you were trying to protect me, I’m going to scream. There was more to it than that. I’ll submit that that was part of it, but not the whole of it.”

“I’ve already told you,” Ivan answered stubbornly. “I can’t take care of you if I’m falling apart.” It was a feeble excuse and even as he said it, he knew that this explanation wasn’t going to cut it.

“Bullshit, Ivan,” Corbin said, his tone clipped as he stood up, walking a few paces away before turning to face Ivan once more. As he stood those few paces away, looking at the one person he loved more than anything else, felt his frustration die as quickly as it had flared. With a heavy sigh, he said, “If you’re scared to talk to me…if you’re scared about how you think I might react…if it might hurt me…whatever the reason…just tell me. I know it’s more than what you’re saying. The self-blame…the emotional response that it’s driven by…” he paused as his throat tightened. “What is it that you always tell me? Bottling things up and holding it all in is only going to make it worse in the long run.”

When Ivan didn’t respond, Corbin walked back to him and retook his spot facing him. “Ivan, look at me.” Ivan closed his eyes before he looked up, and within his expression, Corbin could see all the pain he had been previously hiding. “What are you so afraid of, huh?”

Ivan looked away, sniffled, and said, “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to make you relive the whole situation because I feel guilty.”

“And do you think that this doesn’t hurt me, Ivan? Do you think that seeing you in pain and knowing that it’s because of me, doesn’t hurt?” Ivan dragged his eyes back to Corbin’s face. Corbin damned himself silently as his eyes filled with water. “Do you think it’s any less painful for me when you hide things than it is for you when I hide things from you?” Corbin took a breath before he continued, “You said we’re in this together. That…that we’d get through what happened together…do you remember telling me that?”

Ivan looked up at Corbin then, the desperate sadness that had been woven into his words. “I remember.”

“You also told me that you’d never lie to me, Ivan.” Corbin’s voice broke at the speaking of his name. 

“I’m not lying about anything, Cory,” Ivan countered with a small frown.

“A lie of omission is still a lie, Ivan. You're telling me that there’s nothing wrong, that you’re fine, that…” Corbin paused, his eyes slipping closed. “We can’t get through this together if you don’t open up to me.”

Feeling his agitation rise again, Ivan stood and walked a few steps away. Corbin, wanting to be on even ground, followed Ivan to his feet. “What do you want me to say? Do you want to know what I saw when I walked into that fucking room? Do you want to know how it fucking ripped my goddamn heart out seeing that mother fucker on top of you? Do you want me to tell you about the utter fucking devistation that consumed me when I saw your face? How I felt my soul die when you were clinging to me as I carried you out of there…do you want me to tell you how fucking hard it was to sit out in that waiting room to hear if you were okay? How fucking scared I am that…” He caught his words then, stopping himself, pulling his lips inward and becoming silent.

Corbin approached him then, understanding that he felt no fear from Ivan’s posture or the harshly spoken outburst. Framing his hands around Ivan’s beautiful face, he said, “Yes, Ivan. If that’s what you’re feeling, yes.”

“Why would you want to put yourself through that, Cory?” he asked, genuinely curious.  

“Ivan…I’m not diluted enough to think that whatever you have to say isn’t going to…I know that it isn’t going to be easy. But I love you. And I don’t want this to drive a wedge between us. Your pain and your feelings and your fears are just as valid as mine.” With the pads of his thumbs, Corbin wiped away falling tears as he looked into Ivan’s chocolate brown eyes. “I love you. And I can see that this is killing you.” Feeling his own emotions bubble to the surface once more, Corbin didn’t look away even as his throat closed, before kissing the man in front of him. “Please, just talk to me. Please tell me what you’re so scared of.”

“Why do you want me to tell you so badly?” Ivan asked even as Corbin’s arms wrapped around him. 

“Because, I don’t want you to hate me for this later. I don’t want you to resent me for what happened. I don’t want this to come between us because you feel like you have to protect me from my own nightmares. Because I don’t want to lose you.” Ivan couldn’t look at him as he pleaded. “Please, don’t push me away.”

“When I opened the door that led to the room he was holding you in, the first thing I saw was him on top of you,” he began slowly. “Devon was trying to get him off of you. After the shots were fired, Sam checked on the two of them…but I went to you…” Ivan’s voice shook then with all the emotion that he had been hiding from since that moment. “I th-thought you were dead. Your eyes were open…but blank…I couldn't tell if you were breathing. I didn’t find a heartbeat right away.” Ivan closed his eyes as visions of that moment flashed before his eyes and tears spilled once more upon his cheeks. 

“I’d never been so goddamned terrified in my life than I was at the moment. And then I felt your pulse. I can’t focus my thoughts on what didn’t happen, Corbin. I can’t do that when all I see when I close my eyes is the look on your face as he was…I’ve always promised you that no one would ever hurt you like you’d been hurt in your past. I may not have known entirely…but I’ve been a detective for a long time. I’m not stupid. I put two and two together a long time ago. And I failed. I couldn’t keep that promise to you. It’s the first one that I’ve ever broken. And I can’t forgive myself for that.

“And yes,” he continued, “it’s fucking killing me, Cory.”

Corbin pulled the love of his life toward him as Ivan finally let go of some of the emotion he had tried to lock away, unable to look at the devastation clearly written across his face. “I love you,” he whispered against his ear before pressing a kiss along his jawline.

At his words, Ivan’s lamentation increased and his grip tightened around Corbin’s waist. “I love you, Cory. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

Corbin held him tightly, trying to keep himself in check as Ivan fell apart. As he held him there, he thought back through all the years they’d been together. He’d seen Ivan upset. Angry. Sad. He’d even seen him shed tears. But as he held him here and now, with Ivan screaming, muffled, into Corbin’s chest as all his guilt and pain and fear came rushing outward like a broken levee, knew that nothing had ever compared to this.

Ivan had always been the type of person to keep himself squared away, showing vulnerability to only those he trusted the most. Corbin had never seen him this destroyed and even as he held onto him for dear life, wondered if it would be enough. Or if his father and his past would rip them asunder like he had always thought it would when the truth finally came to light.