It was almost three a.m. when I parted from Liz's company, both of us deciding it was long past bedtime. I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Liz and I had been alternating between talking and crying with a sprinkle of laughter from time to time.

I was worried about Mykel. I hadn't seen much of him since I'd run from him and his attempts to get me in the shower three days ago. He left early in the morning and came home late.

Around midnight I heard him pull into the driveway and not long after I heard him at the back door. I hoped he'd come outside to greet us, but when I looked to my right, he wasn't there. Lightly I sighed.

"He won't come out here," Liz stated gently, watching where my gaze traveled to.

"I miss him." My eyes lowered to my folded hands that sat in my lap. The air was crisp but not too cold as winter transformed into spring.

"He misses you, too, Mattie."

I smiled sadly. "Wouldn't know with this avoiding." My voice held the slightest tone of bitterness.

"He thinks you're upset with him still for the other day. He feels like he was pushing too hard and now doesn't know how to approach you. He doesn't want to upset you further." I nodded not saying anything. "I did tell him to give you a little space, but I did not imply to completely avoid you. He's upset with himself and thinks that maybe this way, he at least won't hurt you."

"I've tried approaching him a few times. He just...smiles sadly, doesn't say much, and walks away from me."

Liz nodded. "Yeah, it's what he does. Maybe you should try again."

I leaned heavily into the door frame, my eyes closed as I took steading breaths in preparation of sleeping alone again tonight. I pushed my door open and froze, my breath solidifying in my lungs and throat. Mykel. He lay sleeping on my bed, my pillow clutched to his chest. As I came closer to him I saw evidence of tears drying on his cheeks. One corner of my mouth upturned the slightest bit. He couldn't have fallen asleep too long before I made my way in the room by evidence of the moisture on his face, clumping his eyelashes.

Silently I undressed down to my boxers and changed into a fresh t-shirt before climbing into bed beside Mykel. I placed my face against his spine, feeling the muscles underneath. They were tight and tense as if his dreams were flashing before him images he'd rather not relive. I wished at that moment we could reach each other once again. My right arm snaked around his ribcage, coming around to rest against his formed and muscular chest. Lightly I gripped the shirt he wore, and I paid no mind to the few tears that soaked into his back.

I breathed him in deeply, his scent engulfing me in its entirety. I had known, of course, that I missed him, but until that precise moment, I knew not how much. I didn't realize how much a part of me he had become, nor did I understand how much I needed him. I had never needed anyone before Liz and then Mykel and the concept of it scares me even now and a decade later.

When I woke next Mykel had his arms around me, comfortably snug, with my head resting against his chest. My eyes moved upward to his face where I found him watching me. Faintly he smiled, seemingly now unsure if I would want him there now. Tightening my grip around him, I moved that much closer to him. It was Sunday and the shop was closed. I also had the day off. I didn't want to start the day in tears so I let my eyes drift away from his gaze and simply enjoyed being held by him for the first time in what felt like far too long.

I felt gentle fingers push softly through my hair and a light brushing of his lips against my forehead. It was a move and a gesture that made my throat close anyway, and my eyes watered against my will. When his thumb brushed away the tears, I turned my head into his shoulder in an attempt to regain my self-control.

"Don't cry, sweet baby," he told me with a light, yet worried tone. "I'm sorry, Mattie."

I looked up at him then, my brow furrowed together, and tried to smile. "Me, too."

"I really wasn't trying to upset you the other day, mon bonheur."

I nodded. "I know. Are you mad at me?"

He frowned slightly and shook his head. "Not in the least. I wasn't ever mad at you, love."

"Promise?"

He pulled my chin upward to look him in the eye and kissed me so softly I scarcely felt it. "I promise, Mattie." He leaned his head down and kissed me once more. There was longing and desperation in that kiss and I felt it as much as he did. "Let me take you to breakfast?" He traced his fingertip along my cheek and I smiled.

"I'd like that."

He smiled. He smiled and my heart melted. "Yeah?"

I nodded. "Yeah." My eyes met his and held his gaze. "I've missed you." My voice thickened at those words and I dropped my eyes.

"I've really missed you, too, baby. I've..." He paused. "I wanted to come to you so badly the last few days. I've wanted to hold you. And breathe you in. And fall asleep with you in my arms."

"Why didn't you?" I asked him gently with no accusation in my tone.

He slightly shrugged, looking away. There was hurt in his expression fused with the honey-wheat color of his eyes. "I didn't think you wanted me to."

I bit my lip. "I wanted you to. Mykel?" He looked at me then, his eyes shining. "Don't let me run away from you. Please."

"Why did you run away from me, Mattie?"

I took a shaky breath. "I was scared."

"Of what, baby?" I bit my lip harder and looked away, shame filling my face. "What, baby? Talk to me."

I felt the stinging betrayal of tears as I said, "At first...the water. Then it seemed like you were getting irritated with me and my inability to take a simple fucking shower...and I was scared that you were getting tired of dealing with me. My stupid shit. And that you are going to be done with me because you can't handle it."

Those soft eyes met mine as he gave me the barest of smiles. "Mattie, I love you. In good times, bad times, or otherwise. I can't say that I don't get frustrated sometimes, but I can say it isn't with you. Myself, yes, but not you. This isn't your fault."

"What do you get frustrated with?"

"Myself," he said again softly. "I feel like sometimes I fail you."

I looked at him astonished. "You've never failed me, Mykel. I'm just fucked up, that's all."

"We both have to remember things take time. It won't always be so hard, my sweet." He kissed me gently. "Do you want to try and join me in the shower?"

I closed my eyes and nodded. "I don't want this to terrify me my whole life."

"They're not here, Mattie. They can't hurt you anymore. They don't have to control you anymore."

An hour later we were leaving the house for a promised breakfast. With fears and tears shed, I did end up making it through a shower with Mykel's everlasting patience and guidance. He would never know how much his efforts mean to me, even now. He talked me through it like he always had. Praised me when we made it out alive and without my having some kind of attack in the middle of it.

In the car we were quiet, the radio playing, turned low but at a decent enough level. I stared out the window as I concentrated on the feel of his hand in mine. The soft textures of his fingers and palm, the warmth that I soaked up eagerly. Until I met him I had always been so cold, but he filled me with a warmth I didn't even realize I was missing. He warmed my soul and I knew he was slowly healing all the damage that had been done to me.

We arrived at The Breakfast Nook and were shown our seats immediately. We talked quietly as we waited for our drinks and food to arrive. I ordered the scrambled eggs with ham and diced cheese and Mykel ordered a mushroom omelet. It was delicious and I didn't want the meal to end. We spoke of light topics, Mykel doing his best to make me laugh, and admittedly it was working well. I felt the last few days' tension ease from my chest and shoulders and felt myself begin to relax.

An hour after we got home, we decided to curl up together on the couch and watch a couple of light-hearted movies. As the second film played through, I found myself contemplating how my life had changed so drastically in such a short time.

No matter how much shit I gave myself when I perceived myself as failing, as I looked back, I smiled at how far I had actually come and silently gave myself props for accomplishing it.

Showers, while still my hardest fear to defeat, were becoming easier. I hadn't managed to make it through one alone, but the fact that I could make it through one at all was something I never thought I could do.

"What are you grinning at over there, huh?" Mykel's voice cut through my thoughts and I smiled further as I felt his lips press lightly against my temple.

I shrugged shyly. "Just...you...and how much you've done for me. How much you've helped me...and what you've helped me accomplish."

Mykel smiled lightly at me and kissed me just as softly as before. "You've come a long way, mon bonheur. I am very proud of you." I looked away even as a small smile spread across my face and I could feel myself blushing a crimson red. He smiled at me, a low chuckle erupting from his throat, and turned my face upward to meet his gaze. "I am proud of you," he reiterated, his grin wider now as I continued to blush from red to purple. Even today, those five words leave me breathless, but I no longer doubt them. I no longer second guess Mykel or Liz for that matter, and I simply smile.

"Thank you, Mykel," I told him gently. Tracing his fingertip along my jaw, he brought my lips to meet his. It was at that moment I realized how much I had missed him over the last few days. Resting my head against his formed chest I sighed, his heartbeat always lulling me into a peaceful serenity. "I really am sorry," I whispered as guilt seeped into every pore once again.

"Mattie," he said to me. His tone was so gentle my eyes instantly filled. I bit my lip. I hated myself. Hated my inability to keep my emotions in control. Hated that I still reacted to certain things a certain way. "Hey," he said so, so softly. I looked at him. "There's no need to keep beating yourself up over it. Okay? Give yourself time to heal."

I looked deeply into his eyes as he said this. "I could say the same thing, Mykel." Instantly he looked away, immediately knowing what I was referring to. "Mykel?" I waited for him to bring his eyes back up to mine. "I know you've been afraid that...I don't know...I'm going to...hurt myself...like Kaiden did. I've seen the looks you try to hide...the desperate questioning. The truth of the matter is that...while I have been thinking about suicide," the pain that instantly filled his expression felt like a punch to the gut, "just hear me out...while I have been thinking of it, I haven't been thinking of committing it. I don't want to die, Mykel. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave Liz. I don't want to put either of you through that pain." His eyes were filled with an ache I had seen a lot recently. I knew that finding Kaiden dead and hanging from their ceiling had been haunting him more recently. "But, Mykel, I don't want to die."

"Then why have you been thinking about it? Even if you're not thinking of committing it."

"It helps me keep perspective. I think about how it would be for you and Liz if I did do it. How you would react. How you would feel. It reminds me that I'm not alone. Before I met Liz, Mykel, I had never had anyone. As a child, I was kept away from my sister. She was kept away from me. She did what she could for me when she could, but I had no one. For twenty-odd years, I had absolutely nobody. I thought about committing it before I met Liz. When she gave me that job...I'd been laughed at at every place I asked about a help sign. I knew when I walked into the coffee shop she would do the same. I had decided before walking in there if that happened again...I would find a way to end it...because I couldn't keep going like that anymore. The night I met Liz, Mykel, I wanted to die." I looked at him. "But I don't now. I don't want to die now because I have something worth living for. You both helped show me I was worth taking a risk for. You both have given me what I always wanted. My whole life there was only one thing I ever wanted. And you've both given me that. In very different ways, but..." I shrugged. "But it's worth living for."

"What have we given you, Mattie? What have I given you?"

I smiled at him. "Love, Mykel. You've given me love. Unconditional and unwavering love. And...that...it means everything to me. So believe me when I say I don't want to die. Believe me when I say I won't do that."

"I do love you, mon bonheur. I really don't think I could survive losing you like that. Lately...you've had that same look in your eyes that Kaiden did before that night. And it scares me. It scares me because I do love you." He paused and scrutinized me carefully. "I do believe you, Mattie." I smiled. "But it still scares me."

I kissed him gently. "I know. And I'm sorry that I haven't been...I'm sorry I've worried you. Sometimes it scares me that you'll get tired of me. That Liz will get tired of me. And I'll lose you both anyway because I'm still so...so broken..."

"You're not broken, Mattie. They didn't break you."

"Yes, they did," I countered.

"But they didn't. Can't you see?" I shook my head. "They didn't break you because you're still here. You made it out. You're scared. You're scarred. But you're not broken. They don't have that kind of power over you."

"I don't want to run away from you," I told him shakily.

He swiped his thumb lightly across my cheek. "Then don't. 'Cause I don't want you to run away from me, either. I'm sorry it seemed like I was frustrated with you. I really wasn't." I nodded and curled further into him, my head against his chest and his arms encircling me in a bubble of warmth and protection.

"I love you," I whispered softly.

"I love you, too, mon bonheur."

I smiled against his chest. "Am I really your happiness, Mykel?"

"You're my everything, Mattie."

The next thing I knew I was opening my eyes sleep still clinging to the edge of my consciousness. I smiled as I noticed Liz moving quietly around the living room where Mykel and I fell asleep. We made eye contact and she smiled lazily. With a nod of her head, she requested I join her in the kitchen. Disentangling myself from Mykel's hold I followed silently behind her. "What time is it?" I asked rubbing my eyes.

"Just after midnight," she replied. "You two okay?"

I looked behind me into the living room where Mykel still slept and lightly grinned. "Yeah, I think so. We talked earlier this morning some. Went to breakfast...which I guess was really lunch considering it was around noon...but..." I shrugged dismissing that. "We talked a bit more when we got home. I told him...most of what I told you last night. I told him about my thinking of suicide and explained how it keeps everything in perspective...all that...he seemed satisfied that I wasn't going to do anything." I looked at her then. "I really don't wanna die, Liz." I could see she still worried about it.

"I know, love." She pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek. "I will always worry about you, Mattie. I worry because I love you, not because I inherently think you're going to hurt yourself. You know that, right? I trust you when you say you won't." She looked at me earnestly, her eyes full of many emotions.

I nodded and smiled. "I know. And...thank you, Liz."

"For what, babycakes?"

"For loving me. For...everything." I looked at her sheepishly as my words failed me and she smiled.

"I'm really glad you came into the shop that night, Mattie." She pulled me into a tight hug. "I didn't realize then how much I would need you. But I do need you. And as far as loving you...easy and natural as blinking."

I smiled as my eyes watered and I gnawed on my lower lip. "You were the first real family I ever knew. Within you and Mykel, I have everything I ever wanted. I don't want to leave that. Not by death or any other means. I'm sorry I still get scared."

She kissed my cheek and knocked the tears from my cheeks. I sniffled and laughed lightly to ease the tension. "I don't want you to leave it, either. And you won't always be scared, my love. That'll ease with time."

"Will it?"

"Well...are you as scared now as you were the night you walked into the shop?"

I shook my head. "No."

"What about when you first met Mykel and now?"

I smiled and shook my head as I thought about all Mykel had done for me since meeting him. How much they had both done. "No."

She smiled. "See? Next year it'll be a bit easier. And the next year even more. You were taught to be afraid, Mattie. We're teaching you you don't have to be." She turned and began making herself a small meal before she turned in for the night.

Hugging her from behind I whispered, "I love you, Liz."

Her hands squeezed my arms that encircled her. "I love you, too, baby." She turned to me then, her eyes flickering over to Mykel where he still slept. "So you two are okay then?"

I looked at him as a smile crept across my face. "Yeah. Yeah, I think we are. I really do love him, Liz."

She grinned knowingly. "He really loves you too, Mattie."

"I don't mean to hurt him."

She nodded with a sad grin. "My love, one thing you need to learn and remember. Everyone...me, Mykel...anyone you let into your life will eventually end up hurting you. And you them. You just have to decide who is worth the pain of it. We always hurt the ones we love, baby. That's human nature. It's how you get past it with that other person that really counts. How you make amends."

"I'm learning, Liz. I'm learning."