July Seventh:

Three months Mykel's tattoo parlor has been opened now and to say it's booming is an understatement. Mykel was booked solid for the next two months. It was my day off from the coffee shop and so I accompanied him to work, more excited to be spending the day with him than I probably should have been. At that moment I had never been happier. The smile that adorned my face was ever the brighter each time Mykel stole a glance my way; giving me a small wink or that heartwarming smile. It was fun watching him put his art on people's various body parts. He conversed with each customer, laughing and joking and keeping them as comfortable as he could, while still putting full effort into flawlessly creating each and every piece.

As the last happy customer left with a smile, she checked out the new piece on her forearm. Mykel looked to Lilly, the girl he hired to keep his appointments. She was in her early twenties, one full and one-half sleeve on her arms, with various piercings in her eyebrows, nose, ears, lips, and if her tight apparel told me anything at all, her nipples. "Lil, when's my next appointment?"

Without looking at the books and with a smile that got her absolutely nowhere, she replied, "At 3:45."

Mykel glanced at the wall clock. "Great." He looked at me. "Lunch?"

I nodded and smiled. "Sounds great. It's hard work watching you work."

Mykel laughed. "Yeah, I'm sure it's exhausting."

I smiled at Lilly who returned it with a small wave. I liked Lilly. She was a sweet girl and our conversations quickly led us to being friends. Mykel and I walked down a few blocks to a cozy, little diner called Mel's. We ate while happily conversing about our weekend plans. Things were still up in the air considering we weren't certain if Liz would be joining us. Aside from work, I hadn't seen much of her the last two weeks and I missed her terribly. We returned to the shop at a quarter after three. As we walked in we were both laughing, but my laughter died in an instant as I saw who Mykel's next appointment was. I stood frozen, half behind Mykel. She hadn't yet noticed my standing there, as she had glanced at Lilly as she announced that Mykel was back from lunch. She stood with a smile. She looked much like I remembered, only now she had a healthy shade to her skin, and no bruises marred her. "Hi. I know I'm early so if you--" This is the point where she saw me, her eyes shifting downward. The healthy pallor paled and her eyes widened. Eyes that matched mine watered as she said my name. "Mattie bear?"

The nickname brought me back to now and anger filled me. A deep seething rage I had not experienced previous to that moment. "You don't get to call me that anymore. That died when you left me in that fucking closet." I remember tears slipping down my cheeks but I paid no mind, and turned on my heels and ran. I heard Mykel call after me, I heard him follow me, but this time he didn't catch me, and there was no pond to halt my efforts.

When I was sure I had lost him as I ducked into an alleyway, I pulled out my phone. Mykel's name flashed on my screen and I ignored it. Waited. And made a phone call.

Liz answered on the third ring. By the way she sounded, I knew she was in the back room. She sounded tired from the busy day I knew she was immersed in. "Liz?"

There was a pause before, "Mattie? Baby, what's wrong? Where are you?"

The worry in her voice snagged my voice from my throat. "Not far from Mykel's shop. Liz, can you come get me? Please, Liz? I really need you to just come get me. And I'm sorry, I know the cafe is busy." Mykel was calling again, his name flashing across the screen. I could feel his panic holding my phone. "But please, Liz." I was trying my best to keep calm and under control and so far I hadn't broken, but I knew I was close.

"Mattie, I'm already in the car. Where are you, baby? Where's Mykel?"

"I'm not sure. I'm in an alley. I ran out of the shop. I'm pretty sure he chased after me but I lost him...I think I ran six blocks east of his shop." Carefully, so as to not be detected if Mykel was still close by searching for me, walked to the end of the alley to view my surroundings. Mykel called again. "I'm in the alley directly across from the Burger King. Mykel keeps calling me."

"Alright, my love. Give me twenty minutes, okay, I'll be there. I'm getting on the freeway now. Did you and Mykel get into a fight or something?"

I shook my head even though she couldn't see me. "No. It isn't him at all. I'll explain when you pick me up. Please hurry, Liz."

"I'm coming, baby. I'm almost there. Mattie, hold on, love, Mykel is calling me. Don't hang up."

Ten minutes later she pulled into the Burger King parking lot, got out, and when it was clear half ran across the street. She found me shortly beyond the entrance of the alley, bent at the knees, my feet supporting my ass, my hands supporting my head. "Mattie."
My head snapped up, my eyes red and cheeks puffy, and I was in her arms. She held me there as we stood in the alleyway, slowly rocking me back and forth. "Come on, baby." She kissed the side of my head and took a deep breath. "Let's go home."

She attempted to let me go in order to walk back to the car, but I held her fast, my arms anchored around her center. "Is Mykel going to be there?" The very thought of seeing Mykel after this episode shook me. I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms, but I couldn't get the look that was on his face when last I saw him from my head. Right then I was certain I couldn't face him.

She kissed my temple. "No, baby. He couldn't leave more than he did to chase after you. He's booked with appointments. He's exceedingly worried about you. He called me panicking and damn near in tears. He's very worried about you." I nodded feeling my throat close up. "Ready to go back to the car?" I nodded and disengaged myself from her, my eyes cast to the dirty concrete, hands shoved in my pockets, shoulders brought up to my neck. Liz linked her arm through mine, not trying to get me to speak, to which I greatly appreciated. My mind had been reeling since first I laid eyes upon the sister I hadn't seen in nearly nine years.

We drove home in silence. I gripped Liz's hand hard in mine and she matched my grip equally. I noticed throughout the drive Liz sneak glances in my direction, though I didn't comment on them. Nor did I even look up. I tried my best to keep my mind from going to every single bad place it carried all at once, to keep the screaming, my screaming, the screaming of a child, of two children, from completely overtaking my thoughts. My phone buzzed in my pocket once more. I squeezed my eyes closed against the next onslaught of emotions, namely guilt, as I ignored Mykel once again. He'd given up on calling and was intermittently texting me.

Liz squeezed my hand slightly causing me to finally look at her. "Mattie, my love, you should at least text him back and let him know you're with me and that you're safe. He deserves some kind of answer from you, love, he's worried out of his mind." Her tone was a gentle chiding and I knew she was right. I opened his texts. There were at least fifteen texts of a frantic nature, begging me to please answer him.

Hi. I'm sorry. I'm with Liz now. She came and picked me up. Please don't be mad at me.

His text came through almost immediately: I'm not mad at you, mon bonheur. There's nothing to forgive, baby, I just wanted to know you were okay, or at least safe. Listen, I canceled the last half of my appointments...I can't concentrate right now. I've already got Lilly rescheduling everything. I've got one more because they're already here and I'm coming home okay. If you need Liz instead of me right now, I understand, but I wanna be home with you in case you do need me. Is that okay?

At his reply, a small sob escaped me and I replied, I do need you, Mykel. I always need you, I'm sorry I ran.

Hush now, baby. I'll be home soon. I love you, Mattie.

I love you, too.

I looked at Liz, my voice low and choked. "He's coming home early. He canceled the last half of his appointments and rescheduled. Did he...tell you what happened?"

"Some," Liz replied. Her voice was gentle and all I could do was nod and look away.

We arrived home shortly after and filed into the house, Liz's hand still firmly attached to mine. She pulled me down onto the couch and into her arms where I burrowed into her as much as I could; clinging to her as my world once again began to fall apart. I hadn't seen my family in over five years, and in the last six months, each of the three of them somehow found me by happenstance. Liz held me there for what seemed like forever, petting me, placing comforting kisses along my head and cheek.

"Mattie, my sweet, do you want to smoke some? Might help you calm down, baby." I knew it would. It hadn't ever let me down before, but I didn't want her to let me go and I said as much. "Easy, baby. I don't have to go anywhere. Pull open the drawer right there." She indicated a secret drawer built into the coffee table. "There's a few rolled in there. If you reach you can grab them and we don't have to really move at all." I did as she said, grabbing six blunts (what she had rolled inside the drawer) and the lighter and sat back against her. As I lit the first blunt she wrapped her right arm back around me, my back against her side and shoulder, my head resting back against the top of her shoulder where the crook of her neck began.

We smoked in silence. Liz giving me the maternal comfort I needed as I gathered my mind and processed today's events. I had no idea how I was going to face Mykel. To say I was ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior toward him in the throe of the moment was putting it excessively mild. My anxiety spiked as time approached him getting home. "Liz?"

"Yes, my love?"

I chewed my lip a moment. "Mykel...he's not...mad at me...is he? For running away from him and...everything?"

She kissed my temple. "No, baby. He's not mad. Worried. Scared for you. But not mad."

I took a hit to try and calm my nerves. "I shouldn't have ignored him. I should-shouldn't have ru-run, run from him. How can he not be mad at me?"

"Because he's worried and loves you. He understands why you ran. He doesn't hold it personally, baby."

My chest squeezed against my lungs as I felt all the oxygen in my body vanish. "How do you know?" The more I fell in love with Mykel, the more afraid of him I became. Sounds backward, I know. Believe me, I went round and round with myself many a night lying in his arms as he slept soundly. Now I realize it wasn't so much him I feared, but the idea of the unknown surrounding him. At this point, we were still very new to each other. My fears and anxieties and my past were still very fresh. The beatings, the repeated near-drownings, and the abuse in general that I survived still controlled my thoughts, and they drove me. They drove me on wild fantasies that in the throes of anger the beautiful facade I'd enveloped Mykel in would melt like Margret Hamilton when Dorothy threw the bucket of water on her. I'm melting! And then the real monster that fit Mykel's stature would be risen.

"Because I know my brother. I know how he sounded when he called me earlier." She took the blunt from me and hit it.

"How did he sound?" I asked quietly, accepting the blunt back before stamping it out and lighting a new one.

"Scared. Worried."

I looked at the clock. 2:15. He'd be home in a quarter-hour. "Are you sure he's not mad at me?"

Her features softened even more as I knew she read the fear in my eyes. "Mattie, baby." She took my hands in hers, running her fingers over my knuckles. "I promise you. He isn't mad." I nodded as the conversation died there. Not too much longer after the fourth blunt was lit did Mykel walk through the door. With as much as I wanted to run to him, I stayed against Liz where the safety she provided had never been in question.

As he came through the door and around the couch to kneel in front of me I tried not to flinch away from him and further into Liz. I don't think I succeeded as I saw the small frown appear and vanish quickly from his brow.

His movements, a bit slower than his original trajectory, he reached for my hand. I didn't pull it away upon contact but gripped his fingers like I never wanted him to let go. And I didn't despite my fears.

"Are you alright, mon bonheur?" He did look and sound...well, worried. I started to nod in the affirmative but quickly changed to a shake of the head that indicated the truth. I was far from alright. The hurt my sister inflicted upon me that day as I watched her close the door softly behind her, leaving me there to endure two more years of the abuse she ran away from, was much more than anything my parents ever did to me combined.

"I'm sorry I ran away from you. And...and ignored your calls." I sucked my lower lip between my teeth and gnawed. Mykel's gentle touch along my chin both made me look at him and release my lip. He traced his thumb over its red and swollen proportions.

"There's no need to apologize, love. I understand, okay. I'm not mad." I shrugged in reply. I didn't miss the look that Mykel and Liz shared and knew the short conversation was about me. I fidgeted with my fingers. Mykel seemed a bit frustrated after the silent talk they'd had and I later found out that Mykel wanted her to leave the room and she refused to do so. He looked back at me. "Mattie, love, I'm really not mad."

I nodded slightly. "Okay."

"Are you thirsty? I'm gonna go grab a drink." His voice was as soft as I'd ever heard it and I knew he was making an effort to keep his tone as light as possible.

I nodded. "Thank you." He stood and made his way to the kitchen. I watched him walk away and gave way to the thought on if he'd come back or keep walking out the back door. I listened. I heard a door open and shut but it wasn't the back door that sounded. Mykel came back into the living room with three bottles of water and I breathed a deep sigh of relief.

"Mykel, could you go into my room and grab my box for me?" Liz asked with a small smile.

"Yeah, no problem," he replied setting his bottle down on the coffee table and stalking slowly from the room.

"Mattie." I looked at her and she continued, "You should allow him to comfort you, my love. There's no need to fear him. And I know you need him, baby. Let him be there for you. I'll smoke a couple with you, okay, but then I'm going to go to my room. I won't be far. Okay?" I nodded as Mykel came back into the room and handed Liz her box. I felt a jab to my own surmounting guilt when he sat on the floor between us, his eyes downcast for a moment before finally meeting mine. He smiled lightly but didn't speak. I could see the wheels spinning in his head and outwardly he looked upset at my apparent distrust. I didn't know how to tell him that it wasn't him I distrusted, it was my fear of what his anger would look like presented toward me. I didn't know how to tell him that I was afraid of him hitting me when he'd shown absolutely no signs of doing so. I knew logically and logically wasn't afraid of his fist, but logic rarely applies when you've been conditioned to expect violence.

We didn't really talk much throughout smoking, nor did I really expect to. I knew Mykel and I would eventually talk about the day, and it seemed none of us wanted to break the ice. Liz communicated with me through gentle squeezes of the hand, Mykel through the vibe clearly emanating off of him. He was trying to process things as well, only he didn't have all the facts with which to draw conclusions...and the holes around the evidence in his brain was making him draw the wrong conclusions, and in turn, he was only upsetting himself more.

Finally, Liz let go of my hand with a small smile and leaned over placing a small kiss along my cheek. "Talk to him, Mattie. I'll be in my room if you really need me. He loves you. Talk to him." I only nodded in reply and watched her stand, kiss Mykel on the head, and walk into her room where she gently closed the door. I smiled slightly as I noticed she left her box for us.

I looked to Mykel. He wasn't looking at me but at his hands. "Mykel?"

He looked up, his eyes full of uncertainty. "Yes, mon bonheur?" His voice was strained.

I sighed lightly and closed my eyes in attempt to regroup. "Can we go upstairs, please?" My voice matched his and as we stood I tried to keep my legs from giving out. I felt as if I and I alone were standing between two fault lines as it shook the earth with its separation.

He reached for me but stopped at the look on my face. He said to me later it was one of pure terror. "My room or yours?" he said to me.

"Mine. I want to change clothes." I stepped carefully around him and grabbed the box and proceeded him up the stairs. When we entered my room Mykel kicked off his shoes and pants, leaving him in his boxers and socks, then climbed onto the bed. He didn't watch me as I changed into something more comfortable. I slowly crawled onto the bed next to him and hesitantly reached for his hand. He didn't move as I did so, watching me carefully. "I...I'm sorry, Mykel." My voice was hardly above a whisper.

He gripped my hand in his comfortingly. "For what, mon bonheur?"

"How can you call me that right now, Mykel? You look like I've done anything but bring you happiness...and I have. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for being scared. I'm sorry for running from you. For ignoring you...I couldn't face you."

He turned slightly then my hand still encased in his larger one. "Why not?"

"I..." I couldn't answer.

"Mattie...can I ask you something?" he asked me quietly. He was playing with the fingers of the hand he held.

"Yes."

"Are..." he wasn't looking at me as he spoke. "Are you afraid of me?" I felt my eyes water and spill before I had an opportunity to try and stave it off. As I heard Mykel speak I knew he was having difficulty maintaining control.

"Yes...a...a little bit. I'm sorry." I watched as he carefully withdrew his hand from mine and shifted on the bed.

He shook his head slightly. "Don't apologize, Mattie. Please. Why are you afraid of me? I mean...have I...done any-anything?" He met my eyes then and I saw the pain in his soul from my answer reflect back into mine.

"No." I shook my head. "It isn't anything you've done." I wanted so badly to reach for him but I didn't move.

"Then...why?"

I chewed my lip. "I'm...afraid of what you might do. Mykel...please understand that...I'm scared...okay...I'm scared...my whole life, Mykel...my whole life someone was hitting me. At some point, they've all..." I stopped. "Before you...I was in three relationships after I got off the streets...and they all...you don't know how fucked up I really am, Mykel. There's so much you still don't know about me."

He was quiet for a moment and at that moment he wasn't looking at me. "Mattie...I..." He faltered in his speech. When he looked up at me his cheeks were wet. "I'd never hit you. I'd never...force you into anything...I wouldn't do what any of them has ever done to you. I wouldn't ever hurt you like that."

"I know. Logically I know. And normally it isn't really an issue. But..."

"But today was different."

I nodded. "Yeah." Then a thought occurred to me and I frowned. "Her name was in the appointment book. I know you look at those books, Mykel..." I felt the sting of betrayal as my mind spun around me a web of lies.

"Mattie, no, love. I mean yes, a name was in the book but it wasn't the one you'd always said. Completely different name. She changed it when she turned nineteen." At my look, he continued. "She was still there when I returned to the shop. I had Lilly cancel the day and she and I talked in the backroom. She wanted to. I swear, my love, I didn't know until you spoke to her just before you ran out. Please, Mattie, I wouldn't have kept something like that from you and I especially wouldn't have had you there at a time she would have been and without you knowing about it..." He was right and I knew it. I nodded. "Mattie." He waited until I looked up before speaking again. "Please believe me."

"I do," I told him after a time. "I do believe you. You're not mad at me?"

"No, baby. I'm not mad at all." I knew he wasn't lying to me. I saw no anger within his body language, only hurt.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you. But you deserve honesty. Most of the time I don't ever consider you would do something like that to me...just...seeing her...or in times of high stress...when I'm scared...all I can think is is this gonna be the day he finally does it? and I hate myself for it..."

Mykel touched my knee with the tips of his fingers. "Don't hate yourself, mon bonheur. You've been taught to expect this...I'm not upset with you. I promise."

"But you're upset."

"Yeah. By the situation. By the look in your eyes." At that, I dropped my gaze. "I understand, Mattie. Kaiden was afraid of me, too. I understand you have fears for legitimate reasons and I know I'm an intimidating guy to look at...but I'd never hurt you. I never hurt Kaiden, either. And I know that for the most part, I can only prove you that by not doing it...but I swear it, Mattie."

"I know. I'm sorry, Mykel. I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and scared all the time. Please don't be mad at me."

"Baby, look at me." I did. "I'm not mad at you for any reasoning, love. I was scared out of my mind when I couldn't find nor get a hold of you. Better but still worried when Liz told me she was on the way to get you. But not mad, my love. I wasn't ever mad." He paused for a moment suddenly looking unsure. "Mattie?"

"Yeah?" I cleared my throat as I looked at him.

"Can I...have a hug?" Moister slowly continued to leak from his honey-wheat eyes. I all but launched myself at him at those words spoken. From the moment my eyes laid upon her I wanted him to take me in his arms and keep me safe...but panic overcame me and my only thought was to escape before I found myself back in the hole I used to live in.

"I'm sorry, Mykel," I told him again. "I'm sorry I ran from you. I shouldn't have done that and I'm really sorry."

He held me tightly, gently rocking me as we both cried out our stresses. "There's nothing to apologize for, mon bonheur. Okay? I promise. What matters to me is that you're in my arms now. That you're safe. And you are safe, baby. You are safe."

It was hours later when we were both laying supine on our sides and facing each other, our bodies pressed close for comfort when I finally began to speak. "She left me in that closet when she left. We had always talked about running away together...that if one got out the other would get out or neither of us...and she left me there alone with them. She left...turned away while hearing my begging her to take me with her...that she promised she'd take me with her...and she just left me there...left me there like I was nothing." I paused as a sob worked its way out of my chest. "I am nothing. They always told me so. I never wanted to believe it before...then she left me...and if I'm not worth my own sister getting me out of there...I really am nothing. I thought we were close. I thought she loved me. I was wrong."

Mykel thumbed away fallen tears and kissed me gently. "I can't say for the girl then, my love, but the woman I met today loves you dearly. I'm not excusing her actions back then, baby, but remember she was a scared kid, too...and maybe now that you're grown you can rekindle the relationship under different circumstances. Maybe if nothing else, mon bonheur, you should hear what she has to say."

I frowned and sat back away from him and sliding off the bed, stood. "Hear her out? Hear her out? Fuck her! And what she has to say! Do you have any fucking clue how much worse for me it got once she left? How much she destroyed me by just leaving me there and how they finished the job by decimating me fucking completely? Loves me? Loves me? She doesn't fucking love me, Mykel, or she would have taken me with her." By this point I was yelling, fury pouring down my face.

Mykel had sat up, his hands in a surrendering position. "Mattie, Mattie, okay. Okay." I knew he was trying to defuse the situation but I was having none of it.

"No, it isn't fucking okay, Mykel. Nothing about it has ever been okay. I'm not okay. Not anywhere fucking near okay. It isn't okay!" I grabbed my head as I doubled over, my knees hitting the hardwood floor solidly. I screamed and I screamed again, my mind taking me back to a place I never want to return to. Suddenly I was being lifted off the floor and my lamenting quickly became fight or flight. And well, since I couldn't run, I fought against the arms that held me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard him calling my name, trying to break through the flashback that had gripped me. As I fought I began to scream in a different manner. I began to scream for Liz. And as if by magic Liz was at my side.

"Mykel, let him go." And I was released into her arms. I felt her wrap herself around me, ensconcing me in a safety different than any I've ever known to date.