The room in which he sat was burning with activity. People zipped by in the hustle and bustle of the busy time-slot, but he saw none of it. His hands supported his head, the heels of his hands digging into his eye sockets, though it didn’t stop the tears leaking, dripping slowly down his arms.

As he sat there the noise blurred out until he could no longer hear it, his mind slipping further into the recent past.

“Don’t do this, Jack,” his lover and best friend pleaded as he looked at him with a broken expression, his voice breaking with the swelling of a myriad of emotions, ready to take him under as the wave finally broke.

“It’s done, Daniel.” Jack looked up at him then, his eyes telling Daniel everything Jack wasn’t saying aloud. His tone wasn’t one of anger, or contempt. But of such a deep longing and sad desperation that Daniel thought for a moment that the words would be recanted. He waited in vain.

“Why? Why now after everything we’ve been through?” Daniel took a step back as Jack took a step forward. “You promised me.”

The words were merely whispered, coated in a red-hot pain Jack had always sworn to himself would never occur because of him. He’s broken a few promises it seems. “Danny, please. This isn’t…this isn’t my choice.” Jack felt something in his chest shatter then at the utterance of those words. Looking away he closed his eyes, trying to regain his composure. He hated himself for this.

“Then don’t do this!” Daniel cried, his arms flying in front of him in gesticulation, showing the other man, if it was before in doubt, how upset he was. “Don’t do this, Jack.” Daniel wrapped his arms around himself in a protective self-hug as his steps took him backward. He stopped, sliding down the wall he’d back into; making himself as small as he could. As Jack approached he could hear the other man’s quiet sobs, his repeated mantra of don’t leave me.

“Oh, Danny…believe me when I say this isn’t what I want.” With shaking hands Jack reached out, letting his fingers glide along the silky strands of Daniel’s hair, stopping to rest along his shoulder. “Please believe me.”

“Then tell me why! If you don’t want to, if it isn’t your choice, then fucking tell me why? I deserve to know. I…” Daniel’s bloodshot, puffy eyes met with Jack’s gaze. “You said you’d never leave me. You said that you loved me.” Daniel laughed without a trace of humor in his tone, in his eyes. “I believed you. For years.” Jack looked away, unable to watch Daniel’s world shatter further. “It was all a lie, wasn’t it?”

These words, spoken in such despair, broke Jack’s resolve. “No, Danny.” Collapsing onto Daniel’s shoulder, Jack’s cries finally broke the surface. “God, no, I didn’t lie to you.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

Jack’s shoulders began shaking as the memory played on. “I couldn’t tell you, Danny. I couldn’t tell you.” But Daniel couldn’t hear him now. This thought sent Jack into a fit of uncontrolled lamentations. His world was collapsing around him and he had no one to blame but himself.

“Just go, Jack,” Daniel told him after an arduous, heartbreaking pause. “Go before…” he stopped his words, cutting them short.

“Danny…”

“No. You’ve hurt me enough to last a lifetime tonight already. I can’t stand anymore, Jack.” He sounded deflated as he spoke, resigned to the knowledge that, for whatever reason, he was once again being abandoned. Jack waited for Daniel to move out from under his hold, or to force him to let him go. He did neither of those things, he simply stayed still, his chest hurting so badly that breathing was too much of an effort. An effort he suddenly wished he didn’t have to exert. Jack’s grip on Daniel’s shirt tightened as those words were spoken, his body tensing at the thought of walking out the front door. “Please, Jack. Just go. If you’ve ever loved me in the last seven years, if any of it was real…go now. If you won’t tell me, just go.”

He wanted to hold him as his weeping increased. He wanted to hold on to prevent him from leaving as he finally detached himself. Daniel closed his eyes against more tears as Jack’s lips pressed against his temple. Must you betray me with a kiss? “I do love you, Daniel. My Danny. I’ve loved you longer than you know. I’ll always love you.” Standing, Jack turned and ran from the house before he didn’t care about the consequences of staying. Of telling him everything. He ran still as he heard Daniel’s screams of absolute devastation. He couldn’t turn back now. Even as his heart shattered at his toes, his breath no longer existent, and his life now reduced to ashes and rubble, he had to keep going.

He felt a presence at his side and without looking up, he knew who it was. He loved and hated her for coming. Her being here only reinforced the truth of the matter. Her being here kept him from going completely off the deep end. He felt her hand along his shoulder, comforting. He wished he could accept that he deserved her comfort. But he failed. He failed Daniel in the worst way.

“Jack…” he didn’t respond to her. He didn’t want to hear what she had to say. “Jack, the doctor is here. Come on, now, it’s time to find out what’s going on.” Somehow he found the strength to pull himself together. He stood.

He made it four blocks before he stopped running, his heart suddenly lurching in his chest, every single one of his internal alarm bells blazing Danger Will Robinson and it was a feeling that Jack could not simply ignore. “Danny…” He made it back in record time, his legs burning from the intense workout they received without a thought of mercy.

He faltered as he saw three men beating another who was on the ground, having been pulled from his house to the front lawn. As he picked up speed, pushing his legs ever harder, he barreled into two of the three, knocking them down and away from the unconscious man. The third was behind him before he could figure out where the man had gone, his arm wrapping tightly around his throat. He stopped struggling, trying to think of a way out of this situation. He tried not to focus on Daniel lying there in a pool of blood and shattered glass. He didn’t know if he was dead or alive. “What do you want from us?” Jack asked in a moment of fury.

“To purge the world of the likes of you,” was the answer he received. The cold, steely tone behind his ear made Jack’s breath catch. In front of him one of the men stood, the shining metal of a sharp blade reflecting off the street lights above them.

Jack calmed himself, ready to fight or die as the man with the knife approached. In a split second move as the knife lunged toward Jack, he threw his elbow backward and moved as his captor’s arm released him. Swinging his body around, still in possession of his captor’s arm, and threw him forward. He heard the knife that had been intended for him slide into the abdomen of the other man. Jack would never forget the sound it made for the rest of his life. As Jack’s would-be killer let go of the knife that had plunged into his partner-in-crime, the two remaining criminals ran as sirens began to wail in the not far off distance.

Dropping to his knees next to Daniel he began to check his vitals. “Danny?” He felt for a pulse, his heart stopping as time passed without feeling one. There. Jack’s breath caught. There. Faint. Very faint, but there. Jack listened for breath, felt for the tickle of Daniel’s life signs. “Please, Danny, stay with me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I was only trying to protect you.”

“I’m Doctor Sanders, Daniel’s neurosurgeon. Follow me, please. I’d like to talk to you both in private.”

Jack grabbed Jamie’s hand. “Doc? Please tell me he’s still alive.”

The doctor smiled a sympathetic smile. “Yes. He is alive. However, there’s much to discuss about Daniel’s future. Please, follow me.”

They were taken to a smaller waiting room with privacy doors and windows, locking out most sounds from outside. They each took a seat; Jack and Jamie facing the doctor, their hands still clasped. “We found bits of glass embedded in Daniel’s scalp. He was hit with what appears to be a full Jack Daniel's bottle.” He let the information sink in before he continued. “There was a lot of bleeding on the brain that we did manage to get drained and under control. From what we can tell at the moment, and we will know more once the swelling goes down further, that the main area of damage is centered around the hippocampus, which is located in the brain’s temporal lobe. I don’t know at the moment and won’t know how extensive the trauma will be until he wakes up.

“If I were you, I would begin to prepare myself for what may be coming.”

“And what might that be, exactly?”

“What you have to understand here is that with this type of traumatic brain injury, his memory will be the most likely thing affected.”

“You mean like…amnesia?” Jamie asked what Jack couldn’t find the courage to speak himself.

“Yes. I can’t say for sure right now as it stands, but I’ve seen cases similar to Daniel’s and that has been the most likely outcome once the patient woke up. So, really, this is my conjecture from over twenty years in this profession. Though, if I am correct in this, I cannot be sure how long it will last or what kind of amnesia he will be afflicted with. If this turns out to be the case, there’s a lot of decisions to be made as far as his living situation, medical care after he’s released, and the like.”

Jack’s heart broke at hearing these words. His throat closed and his eyes stung and he was angry. Angry at himself. Angry at the world. “When can we see him, doc?” Jack looked up then, meeting the man’s eyes before him. “Please, can I see him?”

Doctor Sanders considered denying the man his request, but changed his mind a split second later. “I will give you ten minutes. That’s all I can offer right now until he’s a bit more stable. And I do expect him to come out of this.”

Jack nodded and stood. “Thank you, doc. And I hope you’re right.”

When Jack stood at Daniel’s bedside he felt his lungs freeze over behind his ribs. His head had been shaved so they could drain the pooling blood on his brain, now neatly bandaged. His face was almost unrecognizable, as purple and swollen as it was. Every inch of him was covered in bruises or bandages. He didn’t even notice the tears that fell freely as he looked at the damage these monsters had done.

Jamie leaned forward and kissed her brother’s forehead. “I love you, little brother.” She made her way around next to Jack as he continued to stare at the unknown figure on the bed that used to be the love of his life. “I’ll let you have some privacy with him. I’ll be outside.”

He waited until he was alone before his knees collapsed from under him and he sank down to the floor. He held Daniel’s hand in both of his, his forehead pressed against warm fingers, as the first of many floods was finally released. “I’m sorry, Danny. Come back to me. Please, come back to me.”

Days passed. A week. Two. Then one, not so special day, Daniel opened his eyes. “Ja’k?”

It was the most beautiful thing Jack had ever heard and his heart rejoiced even as his eyes watered. “God, Danny,” he said as he stood from the chair he’d hardly left since they moved him into a private room a week and a half ago. “Oh, god, you woke up.” Jack kissed him soundly, but gently, tears and smiles exploding onto his face at once. “I thought I lost you.”

“What’s…happening? Where are we?” He looked around. “Why am I in the hospital?”

“Let me get the doctor, Danny.”

“Jack, no, please don’t leave me.”

The plea stabbed Jack in the gut, but he managed to smile the slightest bit, fighting off the onslaught of tears that threatened. “I’m not going anywhere, Danny. I’m never going to leave you.” 

There was something in Jack’s eyes that Daniel didn’t understand as he spoke those words, nor did he know how to decipher the sadness that resounded within his chocolate colored eyes. Instead of speaking further, Daniel watched Jack hit the call button to alert the doctor he was awake. He watched Jack’s face, the tightness around his eyes and shoulders. The expression that took residence as he looked Daniel over.

“Oh, Danny, I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he took Daniel’s hand. “I never meant for this to happen.”

“What did happen, Jack?”

Jack’s eyes watered but he didn’t answer, he couldn’t. He was saved from the torture of answering Daniel’s question for the moment as Doctor Sanders entered the room. “Good morning, Daniel. How are we feeling today?” Sanders was a short man with a lean build. His demeanor suggested a military stint that he was still proud of. His green eyes were kind and his smile reassuring.

“Thirsty. Kinda confused.” Daniel accepted a cup of water from Jack that had a lime green bendy-straw sticking out of the lid.

“Are you in any pain?” Sanders met Daniel’s eye as he asked this, his pen poised to jot down his answers.

“A little. My head hurts. What happened to me?” Daniel directed this question at Jack, who looked down and away, avoiding Daniel’s gaze.

“I will explain what happened to you to the best of my ability, I promise. I know you must have a lot of questions right now. But please, bear with me.” At Daniel’s nod, Doctor Sanders continued. “What is the last thing you remember before waking up this morning?”

Daniel frowned as he thought back, confused as to why there was such a blank in his mind. “Um…having lunch with Jack.” He looked over at Jack at the sound that escaped him. His head was in his hands, fingers curled tightly into his hair.

“When was that, Mr. Jones?” The doctor’s voice was kind, soft as he addressed Jack.

“Two days before it happened.” Jack’s voice was low in volume and it quaked with his words.

“Jack?” He wouldn’t look at Daniel, stubbornly staring at his feet and he couldn’t deny the sudden anxiety building up within him. “Jack, please.”

“We were targeted, Danny. They tried to kill us both.”

“Who?” Daniel asked with a frown.

“I don’t know.”

 Doctor Sanders finished his exam of Daniel, asking questions to check his memory, checking motor functions. “Alright, Daniel. You are better than I had expected. Now that you’re awake, I will set up a series of tests; CT, CAT scans and the like to further see if there is any remaining brain damage.”

         Jack stood and shook the man’s hand. “Thanks, Doc.”

         Daniel took that moment to study Jack. Jack, whom he had known for the better part of twenty-five years. Who he knew inside and out. And as he looked at him at that moment, Daniel realized he’d never seen him in such a state. His brown hair was mussed, sticking up in all directions, indicative of a level of stress higher than he’d seen in a long time. He looked tired. Dark circles shadowed under his eyes. He wasn’t sleeping again. And as Jack walked the four steps back to the chair he’d hardly left, Daniel noticed him favoring his left side. “Jack?” Jack looked at him, but didn’t speak. “What’s wrong with your side?”

         “They tried to stab me. I was able to move before he did…the blade just grazed me. I didn’t even realize it until the cops showed up. I’m sorry, Daniel. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean…” Jack trailed off, his throat clogging up like the bathroom sink drain in his first apartment.

         “Didn’t mean for what, Jack?

          Daniel watched as tears slipped down Jack’s face. “Please, Danny. I can’t do this now.” In all their lives Daniel had only seen Jack cry a handful of times. The last time (that he could remember) he saw Jack cry was three years prior when his father suddenly passed away unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest in his sleep. The sight always surprised him and made Daniel ache in a way that he only experienced at seeing his love so upset to the point of tears.

          Jack looked up expecting Daniel to argue, as he always did when he was being close lipped about something he shouldn’t be, just in time to see the change fall over Daniel’s face. “Daniel?” For a moment there was a blankness to his expression that reminded Jack of an AI that had been shut down…or rebooted, he thought morbidly. “Danny?” Jack stood up, panic now overtaking his system, and sat down gingerly on the hospital bed Daniel occupied. Reaching out, Jack cupped Daniel’s cheek as gently as he could, lest he hurt him, calling his name one more time before Daniel’s light blue eyes finally focused on him. “Danny, baby, please say something.”

            “Jack?” Daniel looked around. “Why are we in the hospital? What happened?”

            Jack felt his whole world zero in to a pinpoint at that moment. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t even blink as his mind tried and failed to understand what was happening. “Danny, love…” He cleared his throat to keep his voice steady and tried again, “What…what’s the last thing you remember?”

              Daniel frowned at the question. “Having lunch with you. Why? What’s going on, Jack?”

              Jack felt his heart shatter at his toes, his breath, what remained of it, being sucked from his lungs like a vacuum. “I’ve gotta get the doctor, Danny, okay?”

              Daniel panicked, grabbing on to Jack’s arm, his eyes going wide with fear. “No, Jack. No, please don’t leave me.”

              Jack laid his head against Daniel’s shoulder, an uncontrolled sob bursting through the surface. “I’m not going anywhere, Danny. I’m just gonna hit the call button, okay?”

              The familiarity of the conversation broke something within Jack at that moment. He knew then that neither one of them would ever be the same.

              Doctor Sanders came into the room moments later looking alarmed and puzzled. “What’s happened, Mr. Jones?”

              “He…he doesn’t remember…”

              “Mr. Jones, please sit down before you fall down. Tell me what’s happened.” He looked over at Daniel and gave him a reassuring smile. By the look on the man’s face, the good doctor knew he wouldn’t get much out of his patient.

              “We were talking and…he just blanked…and when he…I don’t know…came back…he didn’t remember the last hour he’s been awake.”

              The doctor frowned. He was hoping the damage done to Daniel’s brain wouldn’t be that bad. But from what he was being told, they had a serious problem on their hands. “Okay. I have a range of scans set up for him in an hour. I will come back in fifty minutes. I want to see what you’re talking about.” He made his way over to Daniel’s bedside with a smile. “Hi, Daniel. I’m Doctor Sanders.”

               Jack listened as the doctor went over the same questions he’d asked before, his mind reeling at the prospect of what this would mean for their future. How would he care for him? How would he care for himself while caring for Daniel? He knew he wouldn’t abandon him to some care facility. He couldn’t do that. How would he explain that to Daniel? He wouldn’t be able to find the words, nor would he be able to live with himself just dumping him off with strangers in a strange place. He and Daniel had always had each other and Daniel needed him now more than ever.

               “Jack, no. Don’t leave me alone,” Daniel was pleading, reaching for him, tears raining like a storm from his eyes.

               “I’m not leaving you, Danny. I’ll be right here. I just can’t go with you for the scans. I’m not going anywhere, Danny.” Jack leaned down and kissed Daniel’s forehead gently, trying his best to keep himself under control for Daniel’s sake. He knew Daniel was scared and if he were honest, he was scared for him. “I love you. I’ll be right here, okay?”

               “No. Jack, no…” Daniel latched on to Jack’s arm, wrapping both of his around Jack’s one. “Don’t let them take me without you. Please. Don’t leave me.” The rest of Daniel’s words couldn’t be understood through the panicked sobs escaping him.

               Jack looked at the doctor who was watching the display. “Doc, please. I know it isn’t SOP, but please.” Jack knelt down to Daniel’s level, who was occupying a wheelchair, trying to calm him down.

               “Alright. I’ll need you to keep him calm. Can you do that?” Jack met the man’s eyes and nodded. “Okay. I’ll give you a moment and then we’ll go.”

               “Thank you, Doc.” To Daniel he said, “Danny, love, breathe. Come on, breathe for me. That’s it. One more time. There ya go, Danny boy.” Jack pulled back, still keeping contact with Daniel and smiled weakly at him. “I’m coming with you, okay? I’ll be right next to you the whole time.”

               “Promise?”

               “Yeah, Danny. I promise.”

               Jack’s mind spun with what he’d been told. How could this be? He glanced to the right where Jamie was talking with Daniel. They’d stayed an extra week in the hospital for observations as the rest of his wounds healed. Glad that Daniel was distracted, Jack stepped out of the room, leaning against the wall for much needed support.

               “Danny, Jamie and I need to talk with the doctor outside for a few minutes, okay. I’ll just be outside the door. Just yell for me if you need me.” Daniel nodded but didn’t speak, his eyes glassing over. Since he had initially first woken up, to be in a room without the other man sent Daniel into an entropy of anxiety that he didn’t understand. He didn’t remember it being that way before. They had always been close, always together but still he knew that at one point Jack could go pee without him having an anxiety attack about Jack leaving the room. He tried not to panic as he watched Jack leave the room. A slow smile began to play on his lips, however, when Jack left his hand within sight, gripping the doorway to his room.

               “So what’s going on with him?” Jack didn’t care to beat around the bush. He wanted to know what was happening to his love and best friend.

               “The brain damage and thus the amnesia is quite a bit worse than I had originally hoped. His short term memory is severely damaged. From the blow with the bottle as well as the amount of swelling and the bleeding in the brain all comes into play here. It seems as if Daniel’s brain is…” He paused, considering his words. “Think of Daniel’s short term memory as a clock. Now…yours, mine, anyone who has a normally functioning clock doesn’t reset. It just keeps counting, taking in information and storing it away. The part of Daniel’s brain that’s responsible for transferring new information from short-term to long-term memory is…malfunctioned…making his clock reset every hour. All his long-term memories seem to be intact. Which is why he can remember both of you and his life before the incident.”

               Jack was silent as he absorbed this information. He looked at Jamie as she asked the question he couldn’t. “So what does that mean for Daniel in terms of living, care and the like?”

               “He will need round the clock care.”

               Jack interrupted, anger lacing his voice as what was being implied. “I will not just dump him in some home with strangers he won’t remember.”

               The doctor studied the man a moment before continuing. “Normally that is what I would suggest. I have a few references I can give you to home-care nurses. And I want him to come see me once a month. Now you need to understand something if you decide to take on this responsibility. He will get confused easily. Irritable. He will forget where he is if he’s anywhere for too long. He won’t remember new people he meets. He won’t be able to watch a movie in full without forgetting the beginning. Parts of him will be the person you’ve always known. But understand that other parts of him will likely never be the same. I cannot tell you how long this will last.”

               Jack silently cried at the implications of what was ahead. He cried for Daniel. He cried for himself. He cried because it was his fault this had happened to begin with. And the guilt consumed him.

               It was two months now that Daniel had been allowed home. His life had become a whirlwind of confusion and fear. He smiled though as Jack had remained his constant. He was sitting on the bed reviewing the notebook Jack suggested he use to help him remember things over the days. He frowned as he read it. There was something missing. 

“Jack?” Daniel called as Jack came into the room.

“Yeah?” 

Jack’s eyes flicked to the notebook in Daniel’s hands and knew what the next question would be. “What happened that night? I know you haven’t told me because I haven’t written it down. Tell me, Jack, I deserve to know.”

Jack sighed. He’d avoided it long enough. “The week before the attack, I received an anonymous message. It told me to leave you…end it…before a certain day at a certain time or they would…they would kill you.” Jack’s heart squeezed his throat as he recalled the events. “I couldn’t leave…until the night of the attack I got another one. It said simply, “Too late”. I didn’t know what else to do after reading that so I…broke it off with you. And I left. I didn’t get five blocks before I turned back. By the time I got back home, they had you outside. We fought. One died and the other two are still at large.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I thought I lost you, Danny. This is all my fault.” Jack looked away as tears welled in his eyes. Not looking at Daniel he said, “Write it down, Danny. Please. So I don’t have to tell you again.”

“You left me?”

“I only wanted to protect you. I didn’t want them to kill you, Danny. And they almost…please, write it down. Write in there, too, that I love you, Daniel. I love you so much. If I’d have lost you…I wouldn’t have been far behind. That’s…not something you should doubt. I’ve loved you my whole life. And I couldn’t stand the thought of you dying because you love me.”

Daniel watched as Jack broke down. He curled up on himself, doubled over in the center, his arms coming up and over his head. Daniel’s eyes watered as he watched Jack fall apart. Tears landed on the paper, smearing the ink as he began to write down what Jack had told him. When he was done writing it all down, he moved to sit next to Jack, his arm sliding around his back. “I do love you, Jack,” Daniel whispered.

Jack leaned into him then, his arms wrapping tightly around his center, his throbbing head resting against his chest, as his tears fell harder. His lamentation was so strong, no further sound escaped his throat. Daniel wrapped his arms around him, holding him steady. 

He’d learned from his notebook that this was an occurrence that happened often now. He could feel Jack’s pain both through what he’d written down and through the wracking sobs spewing forth from him at that moment. Kissing his head, Daniel told him, “I love you. It wasn’t your fault, Jack. I don’t blame you.”

If it were possible, with these softly spoken words, Jack’s cries increased before a bewailing scream erupted from deep within his bowels. “I’m sorry, Danny. I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.”

“No, Jack. No. I understand why you did what you did. I love you.”

“I love you, Danny. I love you. I’m sorry.”

Still holding Jack with one arm, Daniel pulled his notebook to him, jotting down these events for later. 

This is my life now, he wrote, just notes on pages. I’m scared he won’t be able to handle me like this. I’m scared he’ll send me away. Don’t leave me, Jack.

He wiped his face as he looked at the words he’d written before setting down the pen and curling his body up with Jack’s while he, in his own way, mourned the loss of the life they had and the things that would never be.