The week passed them by in a frenzy of making sure that Sammy wasn’t in too much pain, that any emotional distress he might be suffering at any given moment be dealt with as gently as possible, and little time to sort through their own emotional distress. 

At the moment, Sammy was in his room, a Disney movie playing to a sleeping boy, and Sy was at the dining table staring at his computer, trying to work, and unable to. Too many things swirled around his mind, too many unsorted and unsure emotions. Too many thoughts of being once again without Sam in his life and the pain that accompanied those thoughts were too great to ignore.

When suddenly a slim pair of arms wrapped around him from behind, jarring him back into the now, he startled. Today Sam had plans with his brother, something that they had been doing more frequently as their bond continued to heal. Shelly kissed his cheek before asking, “How ya doing, baby?”

Shaking his head, Sy brought his hands up to grip her forearms. “Not very good, Shell. I think I’ve pushed him too far away from me, and I’m not sure he’s coming back. He’s so distant. Even since we talked about everything, he’s been so distant.”

“Sam loves you. He’s hurting and needs time to process everything that he’s feeling.” She kissed his cheek before she continued, “Give him that time. Give yourself time while you’re at it.”

“I’m scared, Shelly. What if we don’t make it through this?”

“Oh, baby. You can’t think like that, my sweet.”

Sy chuckled derisively. “Think like what? Realistically?”

Carrie was engrossed in her book as she lounged in the recliner while the boys played Duck Hunt on the old, original Nintendo. When Sam lost against his brother, Logan shouted a short, triumphant sound before standing. He came back a short time later with drinks for the three of them, handing both Carrie and Sam a small bottle of Simply Apple Juice before retaking his seat next to Sam, his own bottle cradled in his hands. 

Logan watched Sam for a moment as he absently picked at the label wrapper without having opened the drink. “Penny for your thoughts?” Sam shrugged, but didn’t respond otherwise. “You’ve been rather tight-lipped about everything. Even for you. Talk to me, Sam.” There was something in his voice, an almost hidden vibe that brought Sam instantly back to a time of his life that he’d rather forget.

“I don’t know how to deal with any of this. I’m walking on fucking eggshells and I fucking hate it.” As Sam began to feel his emotions begin to roil, he allowed anger to take over. But it vanished as quickly as it arrived.

“You’re not planning on leaving him, are you?” Carrie asked, her attention now on the conversation.

Sam looked at her and shook his head. “No. But I don’t know how to move past it, either.”

“Have you forgiven him for what he said?” Logan asked gently.

“Yes. But that doesn’t make it stop hurting. I’m not mad at him for what he said. I understand even where his mind was when he said it…I’m not mad, I’m just hurt.”

Leaving the recliner, Carrie moved to take the seat on the couch to Sam’s right, sandwiching Sam between them. “You’ve got to process how you feel, Sammy. Which isn’t a strong suit of yours, but it’s what you have to do.” 

When Sam arrived back home a couple hours later, he didn’t move when he shut off the engine. Staring in the direction of the front door, he willed himself to be able to fix this. With a deep, heaving sigh of anxiety and anticipation, Sam trudged through the front door with a heavy heart. As he came into the living room Sam spied Sy standing near the backdoor, staring out into the yard with his back to him. His arms were tightly wound around each other, his body tense.

Sam slowly approached but noticed when Sy realized he was there. Sy leaned against Sam’s chest as he wrapped his arms around him. “I love you, Sy.”

Turning, Sy wrapped his arms around Sam’s neck, holding him as tightly as he could without choking him. “I love you, too. Please tell me that that’s enough to get through this. I can’t lose you again, Sammy. Not again.”

Sam tightened his hold around Sy’s ribs, attempting to talk over the knot in his throat. “You haven’t lost me. I’m right here. Maybe a bit worse for wear, but I’m still here.”

“I love you, Sammy. Please believe me.”

“I love you, too, baby. And I do believe you. You loving me isn’t what I was second guessing. Just if you wanted me to stay.”

Sam felt the small vibrations coursing through Sy’s body as he felt tears soaking into his shirt. “I do. I need you. I’m sorry, Sammy.”

Sam placed a gentle kiss against Sy’s neck. “I’m sorry, too.”

Sy pulled back then enough to look Sam in the eyes. “How can you forgive me for what I said to you? How can I ask you to?”

 As more tears poured down his cheeks, Sam gently drew the pads of his thumbs down Sy’s face as he smiled through his own blurred vision. “Oh, my love…I forgave everything you could ever do the first time you kissed me. I’m still trying to work things out, Sy, but I’m not leaving.” Hearing the car pull into the driveway, Sam added, “Listen, Shelly and Sammy are home. We’ll talk more tonight, okay? Why don’t you go shower and clean up? Take the time to breathe. I’ll get Sammy ready for bed, okay?”

As he watched Sy walk away, Sam leaned against the kitchen counter, his head hanging, eyes closed tightly as he took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm his racing heart.