Sam felt like he was walking to his execution as he and Logan made their way up to the third floor. There was a cold sweat broken out over his entirety and his heart pounded relentlessly behind his ribcage. “I’m scared, Logan,” he whispered, his eyes slipping closed. 

“I know. But you’re not alone, alright?”

“I can’t lose him again, Logan. I can’t…” Logan pulled him into his arms once more, holding tight to keep his brother together. When the elevator dinged, Sam stepped back from his brother’s embrace and followed the colored arrows painted on the walls that pointed the way to his destination. When they reached the room, Shelly was standing outside the door waiting for them. 

Smiling a watery smile, she said, “I’m so glad you came back.” As her face contorted in a pain unlike she’d ever known, Sam drew her into his arms. She stayed there for only a moment before stepping away again. “Casey is in there with him. He hasn’t left his side since he got here. Sy’s been really anxious for you to get back.”

Sam looked at the door handle as many layers of fear washed over him at once. Taking a deep, calming breath that did nothing to calm him, he opened the door. He saw Sy standing over by the window, obviously deep in thought. Casey stood next to him, not speaking. Both had their backs to him and neither man heard Sam’s entrance. 

Sy’s thoughts were far from the hospital room and deep into a past he couldn’t escape. As the memories played through his mind, tears tracked endlessly down his cheeks.

Sy knelt before a large crucifix, his arms wrapped around his head. He wore nothing but boxers, having been forced to remove his shirt, pants, and socks. He couldn’t see their faces, but he felt their hands roaming his body. Their chanting echoed throughout his mind. Jesus! In the name of Jesus, let the demons be exercised from this boy! They repeated this mantra through and over his screams, ignoring his pleas to leave him alone.

He felt women’s hands and men’s hands alike, touching all at once over every bit of uncovered skin. He felt suffocated as the crowd closed in on him, violated and humiliated over their unwanted and loathsome lavishments. He screamed again, even as the hands went away and the chanting suddenly silenced. He knew they were leaving now, but he couldn’t bring himself to uncurl from his position, not wanting to leave himself open in (nearly) naked vulnerability. 

He knew the moment the room was emptied minus him and Negal. He still hadn’t moved from before the crucifix. He felt calloused fingers gently run down his spine and he shuddered at the touch, whimpering as his fingers dipped below the waistline of his boxers. Strong hands pulled him up to his feet and kept him in place. 

Sy closed his eyes when Negal pressed himself along his back. His hands, rough and unwanted against his skin, roamed upward. Sy felt the other man’s nose roam through his hair and along his neck. Sy wanted to pull away, to stop this, but was too terrified to move. One arm wound around Sy’s chest, holding him tighter still, anchoring him against his chest as his free hand roamed back down. Sy couldn’t hold back the tears that escaped him as that hand slipped into his boxers. “I used to be like you once,” Negal said into his ear as he rubbed against him. “But then I learned.” Sy’s cries came harder still as his body began to betray him. “You like that, don’t you?” Sy moaned in both the agony and the pleasure Negal was creating within him. As he rubbed and stroked, he said, “If, when you leave here, you indulge in the sin of homosexuality, you will pay the price. You’ll be left desolate. And it’ll be all your fault.” Negal moaned as he began to move faster against him. Sy felt the man’s pleasure through his thin basketball shorts. He didn’t speak again, his breath picking up as he continued his assault. Sy’s breathing came rapidly then, his orgasm building even as his soul further shattered. 

Sy felt Negal’s own release through their clothing and when Negal released him, Sy fell to his hands and knees. “You’ll lose everything,” he told him from above. “Take it from me when I say that you’ll lose everything. And there will be no one to blame but you.”

“I’ve ruined this,” Sy said to Casey as he came back to the present. “I’m going to lose everything and it really is all my fault. Just like he said it would be.”

“Like who said?”

“Negal. It’s what he told me. And he was right. Just not in the way he meant it.” He shook his head slightly. “I can’t believe I said that to him, Casey. I hurt him so badly. You should have seen the look on his face…I broke his heart…He’s never going to forgive what I said to him.”

Seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, he turned and saw Sam standing at the foot of Sammy’s bed, listening with tears in his eyes and sent him a small, yet sad, smile. “I don’t think that’s true,” Casey rebutted. “Sam loves you, Sy.”

Sy scoffed and shook his head, shame filling his features. “You didn’t hear the horrible things I said to him, Casey. You didn’t see his face when he ran out of here. I hurt him so badly.”

Sam stopped at Sy’s side, opposite Casey. Their eyes met briefly before he spoke. “That doesn’t mean that I stopped loving you, Sy.”

So focused as he was on Casey, Sy spun to his right, his eyes widening and watering as they met Sam’s gaze. “Sammy? Y-you came back? You really came back?”

“Of course I came back, Sy,” he said as he pulled Sy against him, winding his arms tightly around him. As Sy lamented into Sam’s shoulder, Sam and Casey caught eyes and with a small nod, Sam gave his thanks. With an equal returning smile, Casey slipped quietly from the room. 

Sy squeezed his arms around Sam, his body shaking as hard as his cries poured from him. “I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me, Sammy. Don’t leave me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Don’t leave, Sammy. Please…”

Sam tightened his grip in response. Kissing the inside of Sy’s neck, he whispered against his ear, “Baby, there isn’t anything to forgive. Easy, Sy. Easy. You need to breathe. Come on, breathe. I love you, Sy.”

“I love you, Sammy. I’m sorry for what I said. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I swear, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Sam said as he pulled back to look into Sy’s eyes. “I know. What you said really fucking hurt, Sy…and we will talk about it all…but right now, that isn’t what’s important. For now, let’s just focus on Sammy and you and I will work the rest out later. Deal?”

Sy nodded as he looked at the small figure on the bed. “Am I going to lose him, Sammy?”

“No,” Sam responded firmly, even as his voice thickened. “Look at me. No,” Sam reiterated. “He’s a strong kid.”

“I’m so fucking scared, Sammy. I’m so scared I’m going to lose my baby. They don’t know his condition…not really…the doctor said that he’s in a coma because of the swelling in his brain. They almost lost him on the table, Sammy. His little heart stopped beating. One of his legs was crushed. I can’t lose my son, Sammy.”

Sam couldn’t speak as he heard what little information Sy had about Sammy’s condition. “We have to believe that he’ll be okay. We have to tell him that he’ll be okay. That he needs to fight and that we’re all here for him.” Sam kissed Sy’s quivering lips. “I love you.” Sam traced the pads of his thumbs down Sy’s cheek as he tried to smile and failed.

“I love you, too.”

Just then Shelly entered the room holding three paper cups full of hot coffee, handing one to Sam and Sy. Sy set the cup down on the table next to Sammy’s bed and wrapped his arms around her. He held on to her tightly, needing the support that she had always given him.

Sam, smiling gently at the two of them, quietly left the room. As he pulled the door closed behind him, he spotted Logan and Casey standing several feet away. As he walked up to them, he gave them each a desperate look. “How’s he doing?” 

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know. The same. Thank you for today. Thank you for being there for him. You’re a good friend.”

Casey squeezed his shoulder. “I’m here for you both. Okay?” At Sam’s nod, he continued, “I do need to get home, though. If either of you need anything, call me. When you hear more about Sammy, can you let me know?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. I’ll keep you updated on things. Hug Lizzy a bit tighter tonight.”

Casey nodded. “I’ll do just that. I’m so sorry, Sam.” At Sam’s nod, Casey turned toward the elevator. Sam couldn’t help but feel a small flame of envy as he returned back to his home; back to his family. 

Logan studied his twin, feeling the pain that was written all over Sam’s face. “Are you okay?”

Sam shook his head, his watery, fear-filled eyes turning on him. “No.” He shook his head slowly as the tears overflowed. “He looks so small in that bed. And I feel so fucking helpless, Logan. I’m so scared. I’m so fucking scared. What if he doesn’t make it?”

Logan drew Sam into his arms. He couldn’t fathom how he had more tears to cry, but didn’t fight them as Logan tightened his arms around him. “You have to stay positive, Sammy,” Logan whispered in his ear. “You have to fight for him.”

They stayed that way for a beat longer before Sam finally stepped back. “You should probably be getting home. Carrie is going to think you’re never coming back.”

Logan smiled. “I texted her and let her know what’s going on. But it is starting to get late. You’ll call me if something changes?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. I’ll let you know.”

“And you call me if you need me, okay? I don’t care what time it is. If you need me here, you fucking call me and I’ll be here. You understand me?”

Sam nodded again, but found the strength to give his brother the smallest smile. “Yeah. I understand. I promise that I’ll call.” When Logan had disappeared onto the elevator, Sam reentered the hospital room to wait for his son to wake up.