Sammy’s seventh birthday party was well under way. That Saturday afternoon was a bright, sunny day. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the heat of the sun warmed the skin of everyone in attendance. 

Sy stood back from the small gathering, observing the smiling faces of the small crowd. As his eyes scanned in his observation, he stopped when he saw his mother. Automatically, his pulse began to race as he fought the urge to run. She and Casey were talking by the punch bowl that was on one end of the long table that also housed the presents and cake. He watched his mother, the easy going smile that appeared as Casey said something to her.  As her laughter reached his ears, the sound brought him back to his own childhood. Back to a time where he knew that his mother loved him and the thought of that doubt was never in sight. 

He had anticipated today being…harder…stressing for over a week about seeing his mother, being in the same vicinity as her for any length of time for the first time in nearly thirteen years. When Sam had first told him about Sammy’s request that his grandmother be there for his birthday, Sy had wanted to deny the request out of reflex. But even as his emotions began to rise, he found that he was able to stop the onslaught and realize that this was important to his son. However, in the realization it did not stop the lingering internal pain.

He spotted Sam helping the kids with the ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ game. He was spinning Sammy around, who was adorned with a blindfold. When Sammy was facing the right way, Sam placed the tail in his hand and sent him toward the fence where the donkey was pinned. 

He was glad that everyone was having a good time. He even found himself having a good time, in spite of the anxiety that rampaged him at being so close to his mother. The mixed emotions were confusing and he was trying not to let everything overwhelm him completely. Movement to his right caught his eye and he smiled as Casey approached, stopping next to him. 

Sy smiled, bumping shoulders with his old friend. “I’m glad that you three were able to come. Sammy’s rather smitten with Lizzy.”

Casey laughed. “I have noticed that. Though I think it’s mutual. Lizzy has been very excited all week for this party. From picking out the perfect gift to the perfect outfit. But…I’m happy that we were able to come, too. I’m glad that we’ve been able to reconnect.” They both watched as Sammy ran up to his grandmother, laughing. He said something to her that the two men couldn’t hear and watched as the boy dragged the older woman across the yard in an over-exuberant manner. “Your mom seems like a pretty great lady. I’m glad that you’re starting to talk to her again.” 

Sy swallowed the lump in his throat and forced himself to smile. “Sammy really wanted to spend the day with her for his birthday. I couldn’t tell him no.”

Casey nodded. “I understand that. That can be stressful. I imagine it’s similar to when Lizzy wants her birth mother to come over.” When their eyes met, Casey sent him a sympathetic smile. 

Feeling his mind began to reel once again, Sy nodded before clearing his throat. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment. Too much punch,” he supplied before he gracefully moved away from Casey and toward the house. 

The house was quiet as Sy shut the sliding glass door that led to the back yard. Entering the bathroom, he shut the door, leaning against it. He just needed a moment to breathe, to settle the noise inside his head. He didn’t want to ruin his son’s birthday by allowing his past to take control over rationale. Pushing off the door, Sy turned on the sink’s faucet, splashing water against his face. He breathed deeply as he pressed the blue hand towel to his skin, drying it, before reentering the bedroom. 

He stopped short, surprised to find Sam leaning against the closed bedroom door, his hands loosely in his pockets. Sam smiled at him, a gentle and loving look. “How you doing?”

Sy watched as Sam pushed off the door and walked up to him, wrapping his arms loosely around Sy’s neck. Sy got lost in the feel of Sam’s lips as they softly collided with his. “I’m alright,” Sy replied as he stepped back. “I just…needed to breathe for a moment.” Pausing for a moment, to better be able to articulate his feelings on this matter, he said, “I thought…I mean…” Sy frowned, pursing his lips.  “I think I hyped myself up that having everyone here was going to be some kind of disaster. I didn’t know if it would be weird between Casey and my mother…or me and my mother, for that matter. It isn’t like we’ve really…sat down and talked about even the fucking weather, let alone anything else. 

“But everyone seems relaxed. Everyone seems relaxed and like they’re having a good time and here I am just enjoying myself–like a father is supposed to enjoy himself at his kid’s birthday–and I don’t get why everyone is so damned calm…”

Sam frowned, not sure he was understanding exactly what it was that Sy was trying to say. “So…let me get this straight…you’re upset?...because Sammy’s party is going well and everyone is calm?”

Sy sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “If you’re not going to be helpful, you can go.” He couldn’t help but smile as Sam laughed out loud. 

“I think that you’re reading too much into this. I’m sure that your mother is just as much of a wreck as you are…but I think I can say with a certain amount of confidence that if she’s trying to get into your good graces and gain a relationship with you and Sammy, she’s going to be walking on eggshells. She won’t rock the boat. And as far as Casey, he’s fine. He’s having a great time.” Kissing him again, Sam smiled. “Everything will be okay.”

Heaving a heavy sigh through flared nostrils, Sy nodded. “Sometimes I hate it when you’re right. Do you know that?” Sam laughed and kissed him once more, feeling much of the tension in Sy’s shoulders disappear for the moment.

Once they had returned to the back yard, they opened the gifts before digging into the cake and ice cream Sam grabbed from the freezer. Sammy couldn’t have been happier with everything he received. 

Once seven o’clock that evening hit, the party goers had all filed out with the exception of Sy’s sister and mother, Beverly. Jenny and Sammy were in Sammy’s room, having dragged Sam along to hook up Sammy’s new television and new game console. This left Sy and Beverly outside in the backyard, cleaning up debris remaining from the party.

Beverly covertly watched her son, her short, light brown hair falling slightly into her face as she picked up wrapping paper that had blown onto the ground. Her eyes caught him lingering close by, playing with the edge of the trash bag in his hands. She could see that he was nervous and not for the first time that day, noticed the vast differences between the boy she once knew and the man that now stood before her.

Bringing up her gaze, she smiled at him. “Thank you for inviting me today. Sammy’s a great kid.”

Sy smiled as he looked up from his hands, the slight frown vanishing. “He is. He’s my whole world.”

“He reminds me a lot of you when you were that age. He’s beautiful and the spitting image of you.” Beverly smiled as her mind brought her back to when Sy was that age, but she didn’t let her thoughts linger there. “I’m sure he keeps you just as busy as you kept me.”

Sy smiled a bit wider. “He definitely keeps me on my toes.”

Laughing, she said, “I can imagine.” There were so many things that she wanted to say to him right then, but knew that now wasn’t the time. It was within that knowledge that she found herself halting in her words. “I know Jenny has been looking forward to this all week. It’s all she’s been talking about lately. Since she came over that day, really, she’s been talking about you and Sammy, and Sam for that matter.” She smiled at the memory of how excited her daughter had been lately. 

“She’s a great kid, too. Well rounded. Intelligent.” 

“She’s what’s kept me going all these years,” she said seriously, yet with a smile. “If you don’t mind my asking, did you hire a surrogate to have Sammy?”

Sy smiled then, shaking his head. “No. Sammy was the product of a lot of alcohol and one night of experimentation in college. His mother, Marley and I were great friends and things got carried away one night. She, uh, died in childbirth. There were complications. After she died, Shelly and I found an apartment together and she helped me with the baby. Shelly is Marley’s older sister and we were all very close. She’s helped me raise him since day one.”

“She seems like a lovely young lady. And you’ve both done a great job with that little boy. I’m absolutely in love with him.”

“Thank you,” he replied. 

“If you don’t mind my asking…and feel free to tell me that it’s none of my business…but when did you and Sammy–Sam, I mean…when did you two come back in contact with each other?”

“Not quite a year ago. We were both at the park and…just happened to run into each other.”

She smiled sadly. “I’m glad that you did.” Bringing her eyes back up to his, she questioned, “You’re happy?”

Sy nodded thoughtfully. “I’m still learning what that means, really. But, yeah, I’m getting there.”

“At the risk of saying too much…I’ve really missed you, Sy.” Her voice was spoken in quiet tones and she did not maintain eye contact as she spoke. 

“I’ve…I’ve really missed you, too, Mom.” His voice broke as he said her name and he cleared his throat. 

Before anything else could be said, the sliding door opened and Sammy ran out and up to his grandmother. His little arms wrapped around her waist and he smiled up at her. “Thank you for coming to my birthday, Gramma. I really liked everything you got me, but I’m just really happy that you and Aunt Jenny came. I’ve always wanted to meet you and I’m glad that I finally have.” 

Beverly lifted the boy and hugged him tightly to her. “I’m very happy that I got to meet you as well, Sammy. And I hope that you had a wonderful birthday.”

He nodded in all enthusiasm. “I did! I had so much fun. I’m gonna remember today forever.”

It was just under an hour later that Sy was walking his mother and sister to the car. Hugging Jenny close, he kissed the side of her head and bid her a good night. “Mom?” he said as he approached her. She had yet to open the car door, leaving nothing but open air between them. 

Beverly looked at him with hope in her eyes. “Yeah?”

“Can I call you in a couple days? I’d like to…I’d like to know…to talk…about back then. Maybe we can set up a day when the kids are still in school? Maybe we can…restart…?”

Beverly swallowed hard and nodded. “I’d love nothing more, Sy. Whenever you’re ready…I’ll be waiting.”

Sy watched as the car drove away, the tail lights lighting up as they approached a stop sign. With a small sigh and conflicted feelings, Sy turned and went back into the house. The day had gone better than he had anticipated, for which he was grateful. He thought about his own personal growth, having been able to not only be within viewing distance of his mother, but having a full and cordial conversation with her, and not having a meltdown, was a great testament to that personal growth.

He smiled to himself as he heard Sammy playing on his new console as he made his way into his bedroom. 

Shutting the door behind him, Sy began to undress and get comfortable for the night. As he was throwing on a clean, white t-shirt, Sam exited the adjoining bathroom, coming to stand behind him. Sy leaned back into Sam’s chest, reveling in the safety he felt as Sam’s arms wrapped around his center.

“You okay?” he asked gently, softly kissing the side of his temple.

Sy nodded. “I think so. I can’t say that it was easy with her here, but…everything turned out fine. We talked some. About Sammy, mostly. Safe conversation, but conversation.”

Sam nodded against Sy’s shoulder, where he rested his chin. “That’s a good start, at least.”

“We, um,” Sy turned, disconnecting from Sam’s embrace to face him. “Before they left…we talked about sitting down and talking about the things that happened back then. One day soon while the kids are at school.”

“That’s a big step. Are you ready for that conversation? I mean,” he continued, “I’m not trying to dissuade you from it or anything. I just…want to make sure you’re ready for that.”

Turning, Sy sat down on the bed, scooting to the middle of the mattress. He watched Sam take a seat next to him, one leg curled under, while the other hung off the bed before he spoke again. “I…I want to know. These are things that I’ve always wanted to know. Holes in my life that have been so painful to bear. I don’t think that this is going to be an easy conversation…it’s going to be anything but…and I don’t think that I’m strong enough to have it alone.” Sy’s throat closed at the prospect of having the conversation and for a second wondered if he was indeed ready for this. “Will you be with me when it happens?”

“Of course I will be,” Sam said, earnestly. “Anything you need. Even if that means stopping the conversation if things get out of control. Emotionally, I mean.”

Sy nodded. “That might be best. Sammy?” He looked at him then, his eyes full of worry and a very old sorrow. Sam raised his eyebrows in question. “Is it…I want to have a relationship with her. I…I’ve really missed her, Sammy. And…while I want…” he paused trying to keep his emotions under control. “I want her to love me. And I want to have a relationship with her…but not at my own detriment.”

Sam nodded. “That’s understandable, my love. And know that no matter what happens, I’ll always support you. I’ll always stand behind whatever you feel like you need to do.” Sam squeezed Sy’s shoulder slightly, giving him a small, reassuring smile. 

“I know. And I can’t love you enough for it. For everything.” Sy leaned into Sam’s side, who wrapped his arm fully around him. “I love you, Sammy.”

Sam smiled brightly, the butterflies never ending each time Sy spoke to him those three (not-so) simple words. “I love you, too. More than I can ever tell you.”