Sy jolted out of his sleep for a very different reason early the next morning. The sounds of Sammy’s screams had him up and running faster than he could process exactly what was happening. Without having to look, he knew Sam was right behind him. 

When he got to Sammy’s bedside, he scooped the boy into his arms, who then anchored his arms and feet around Sy’s neck and waist. Shelly came into the room just moments after Sy and Sam, her eyes wild and panicked. She looked at Sam, who was hanging back in the doorway, unsure suddenly if his presence would be an intrusion. “Is he alright?” Shelly’s question brought him back to now.

“Yeah, I think so. Probably just a bad dream from the looks of things.” Sam turned back to the scene before him, aching to go to them, but standing fast. Shelly’s hand lightly gripping his upper arm made him turn to face her.

She gestured with a tilt of her head. “Go to them. I’ll be here if you need me later. Go.” And silently she took her leave of them, knowing Sammy was in capable hands. 

Sam took a deep, calming breath before walking up next to Sy, his hands automatically going to each of the loves of his life. When Sammy felt Sam’s hand along his back, Sammy sat up and reached for him. Sy handed him over with a smile, his hand sliding around Sam’s lower back, as each gained comfort from the moment.

“You okay, Sammy boy?” Sam asked him gently with a light kiss to his forehead. 

“I had a really bad dream,” Sammy answered, his voice becoming teary once again. He inhaled a broken breath, going through the breathing techniques Sam had been teaching him to stay calm.

“Yeah?” Sam questioned. “You wanna tell us about it?” And Sammy shook his head. Clutching tighter to Sam as he did so. 

Sy smiled at the tone Sam used with the boy. He was so gentle. So loving and so full of comfort. He smiled further when he realized that it was not unlike the tone he used when Sy himself was upset. It had an instantly calming effect for him and for Sammy, too, he noticed. He leaned his forehead against Sam’s shoulder and kissed his upper arm, the conversation he’d overheard hours previous suddenly playing through his mind. Sam very much played the part of a father for his son. A part that he fell into naturally and fit perfectly into. And Sammy had accepted Sam as such with open arms and a smile. Sliding up to his tiptoes, Sy whispered in Sam’s ear, “I love you.”

There was something in his voice that gave Sam pause. His breath caught in his throat and he felt those words to his core. At that moment Sam couldn’t look at him, his emotions, which were already heightened, raging within him. He did not want Sammy to see him upset, so he reigned himself in by squeezing the boy closer to him, burying his face into the boy’s shoulder. But Sy saw the small smile that appeared across his face. He knew he needed to talk to Sam about what he had overheard. He only hoped that Sam wouldn’t be angry over his eavesdropping. When Sam lifted his head, that smile still clear on his face, he made sure he had Sy’s attention before he mouthed a very clear, ‘I love you’. To Sammy he said, “Sammy, do you want to come lay down with us for a while?” The boy nodded, his tears slowing before drying up altogether. Sam didn’t know what the dream was about, but could tell that it was something that was bothering the child. Bouncing him slightly in a soothing manner, they all headed toward Sy’s bedroom to hopefully get a bit more shut eye before the sun came up.

  “Hey, little man,” Sam said, ruffling Sammy’s hair on his way down to the couch. Sammy was positioned between his feet on the floor, his snack half eaten in front of him on the coffee table. Sammy stood without a word, turned and crawled into Sam’s lap. “You’re awfully snuggly today,” Sam said in observation. “Needing extra cuddles today, Sammy boy?” The boy nodded and tried to mesh further into Sam than physics would allow. “What’s going on, huh? What’s the matter, baby?”

Sammy took a shuddering breath, his little body tensing, his hold anchoring a bit tighter. “I don’t want you to think that I’m stupid,” he whispered.

Sam frowned, wrapping his arms a bit tighter around the boy. “What ever made you think I would think something like that ever? Sammy,” The boy sat up at his name and Sam could see that he was trying with all his might not to cry. “You absolutely never have to ever worry that I’m gonna think you’re stupid. No matter how you’re feeling. Or what you may do…nothing, my love. I love you, Sammy boy. I could never think you were stupid. What’s going on, huh?”

Sammy pulled in his lower lip, chewing on it before letting it loose. He looked Sam in the eye as he said, “Daddy. I’m still scared that it’s gonna happen all over again. That he’s gonna forget me again. Even though you said that he wouldn’t do that. It still feels like he forgot me after the fair when he was really upset and now that he ran into Lizzy’s daddy, he’s got that same look on his face. And it scares me. And you said that I didn’t have to worry about that, but I still do, and I don’t want you to think that I’m stupid ‘cause I still feel scared.” Sammy looked down in shame.  

With a gentle knuckle under his chin, Sam brought Sammy’s eyes up toward his. “Firstly, let me tell you something that I wish someone had told me when I was little. What you’re feeling is absolutely valid to feel. And it’s okay to be scared. Even if that fear might be illogical. It’s okay to cry,” he whispered gently as he brushed away tears from his little face. He continued, “Sometimes when you’re little, you have big feelings that you don’t know how to deal with. And that’s okay, too. And secondly, that’s what me and your daddy are here for. No matter what, my sweet one, it’s okay to come to either of us when you’re feeling these things. When you’re sad or scared or nervous or even really, really happy. Whatever it is, it’s okay to come to us. We’ll always be there for you.”

“I love you, Daddy,” Sammy said as he laid his head back against Sam’s chest.

Sam’s heart nearly exploded at the happiness those three words brought him and he smiled. “I love you, too, Sammy boy.”

Sy leaned against the wall just around the corner from where Sam sat talking with Sammy, listening to this heart-to-heart. I seem to be doing this a lot, he thought about hearing this would-be private moment of intimacy between them. Hearing this made him feel ever the bigger asshole for not acknowledging him as a parent to his son. He knew that Sam was Sammy’s parent in every way but legally. And the legality was only a formality. 

When Sy did finally join them on the couch, after he’d gathered his resolve to talk to Sam, Sammy crawled over to his father, seeking Sy’s hold. The guilt he felt at causing Sammy to make him feel this way because he couldn’t keep his shit together for Sammy’s sake was overwhelming; made now worse by the concept that this could become a complex for the boy. There had been very few times in Sammy’s life where Sy could not keep it together, and the boy witnessed his father melt down. But never had they been accompanied with any lasting ramifications to Sammy. And the fact that running into his mother was the catalyst was the worst possible irony that Sy could imagine. This is the exact kind of fear that he had always tried to keep away from Sammy when it came to his personal failings. And now he really has failed. The evidence of this failure was written all over Sammy’s body language as he clung to Sy.

Sam nudged him with his shoulder, garnering his attention and asking without words if he was okay. He shook his head the slightest bit, deciding honesty was the best way to go here. Sam gave him a look that clearly stated that they would pick this conversation up once Sammy was in bed. And with a look, Sy agreed.

It was just around nine when they tucked Sammy into bed, his sleepy eyes not wanting to stay open. He seemed like he needed the extra attention tonight, as he stuck to Sy until it was time for him to finally go to sleep. Both smiled gently as Sy pulled Sammy’s bedroom door shut. “Can we just chill for a while, maybe? Watch some TV and relax a bit before we go to bed?”

Sam nodded, knowing what he meant by ‘before bed’. “Of course.” Sam reached out his hand and together they went back into the living room. Shelly sat in the recliner, her attention focused on the television. She glanced over at them when they came into the room, noting that while something was off, they seemed to be okay within each other. She knew that the conversation she shared with Sam the other night was heavy on his mind. And Sy…she knew he had a lot going on. She smiled at them both before turning back to the TV, not wanting to intrude. She smiled to herself as she saw in her peripheral Sy lean into Sam, seeking his embrace. She was happy for him. She was happy for them both. She only hoped that Sy could eventually learn that they had been wrong all along, and allow himself to be fully happy for the first time since she’d known him. 

 After the show they were watching ended, Shelly bid her goodnight to them both and retired to her bedroom. Sam and Sy stayed there for some time longer, relaxing into the feel of having the other there safe and sound. It was a feeling that neither of them had gotten completely used to yet. And one they both planned on reveling in for the foreseeable future.

Another hour passed before they finally got up and headed to bed. They both knew they were in for a conversation this night, and they had put it off longer than they should have. Sam said nothing as he sat on the bed, his gaze directed at Sy, aware that it was he who needed to start this conversation. Sy lingered by the door, leaning up against it, his eyes on the floor at his feet. Sam sat quietly, allowing him the time he needed to gather his thoughts. 

Sy looked at him as he started to speak, his eyes a mixture of emotions that Sam couldn’t entirely name right then. “I’m sorry, Sammy.” Sy pushed himself off the door and came to stand in front of him. Sam looked up with a confused frown, the question of why plainly written across his face, but he didn’t speak. “I’m sorry that I’ve never told you how wonderful you are with Sammy. That I see that love and adoration on your face when you’re together. I should have told you how great you are with him. I should have said that I love the fact that he loves you so much. And that you love him just as equally. I should have told you that you, Sammy Freeman, are a wonderful father to our son.” Sam looked away as those words choked him and Sy sat down beside him. “I overheard some of the conversation you had with Shelly the other night. I wasn’t trying to…I was looking for you after I woke up…I shouldn’t have stayed and listened, but I’m glad that I did hear what I heard.  

“You’re a wonderful father to him. And you are a father to him. I wasn’t trying to hurt you when I said that he was my son. But I do consider you to be his father, and so does Sammy. And you deserve the title. You’re so great with him. And I love you for it.” Sy placed his hand on Sam’s cheek and turned his head so that he was looking at him. “I really wasn’t trying to hurt you. And I’m truly sorry that I did.”

Sam smiled lightly, one side of his mouth upturning, his face forming into an expression of relief. “Thank you. Thank you for telling me all that. It’s something that…that I’ve been worried about.”

“I know. But don’t. Okay?” Sy leaned into him, placing a gentle kiss to Sam’s cheek.

Sam took a deep breath and laid his head atop Sy’s. “I’ll try not to.”

“If you do, Sammy…you can come to me. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life…you’re a major part of my life…and I want you to be able to come to me when you need to. Without worrying that I’ve got too much on my plate already.”

Sam shrugged. “I know that I can come to you. And I had planned on it. But I also know that sometimes…I don’t know…” He shrugged again, not able to articulate what he wanted to say. “Sometimes it’s not the right time. Timing is everything. And if you’re overly stressed out about everything else…it can wait. Whatever it may be. But, I promise…I won’t keep things from you.” He looked at him and smiled, kissing his hairline. “You look worn out.”

“I’m exhausted. It feels like everything is happening all at once. My mom and sister…Casey…it’s all very overwhelming.” 

“I’m sure that it is.” He kissed him again before, “Come on, let’s get ready for bed. We both need the sleep.”