When Sam pulled into his driveway, he sat there for the better part of a quarter hour before making his way inside the house. 

Logan was watching a baseball game on television when Sam came into the room. “Hey, you’re home.” Logan was aware of the reason for their weekend away. They had discussed it at length before he went. “How you doing?”

Sam sat heavily next to his brother and leaned forward, his face in his hands. “It was both the hardest weekend in a long time and the best weekend I’ve had in years.” Sam smiled at his brother and laughed quietly to himself. “But, I’m okay. It was hard and emotional but…it needed to happen. I think that it brought us closer. We shared. We cried.” He paused before glancing at his brother, “Logan?”

Logan frowned slightly at the tone of his brother’s voice, worry suddenly spiking through his bloodstream. “What’s up?”

Still emotionally raw from the night before, Sam bit his bottom lip to keep himself together. “God fucking damn it,” he said quietly to himself as he felt his eyes water. He wiped at his eyes before giving up on the front altogether. “I’m sorry, Logan. I’m sorry for everything. I never considered how all this affected you. Sy’s leaving. My reaction and continued reaction to that night. I’m sorry for leaving you to find me almost dead or trying to kill myself. I’m sorry for leaving you behind.

“I want you to know, Logan, that I was never mad at you. It was never you. Even if I never acknowledged it before now, you kept me alive the last twelve years. And I owe you everything.”

“Sammy, you don’t owe me anything. I didn’t do what I did to keep score. I did it because I love you. I’d do it again in an instant. I’ve missed you, brother.”

Sam smiled. “I’ve missed you too, Logan. Thank you. Thank you for taking care of me when I couldn’t even bother to take care of myself. I can never tell you how much that means to me.”

Logan pulled him into a hug and they held each other for the span of many healing heartbeats. “I love you, Sammy.”

“I love you, too, Logan. I really am sorry.”

Logan pulled back and, clasping his brother’s shoulders and met his stare directly. “Listen to me, okay?” At Sam’s nod, Logan continued, “You’re my brother. My best friend. I can feel your pain, Sammy. I feel it here.” Sam allowed Logan to guide his hand over his heart, his hand covering Sam’s. “I’ve always felt you right here. No matter where you were or where I was. I could always feel you. I knew when you were in danger, Sammy, that’s why I always showed up. I felt something wasn’t right. I knew because you’re the other half of me. And I need you. And within that certainty, I will do whatever I can to keep you with me. Do you understand? You don’t owe me anything. I just want my brother with me. However I can get you. As long as you’re alive. It may be selfish on my part, but I can’t help that. I need you, Sammy.” Sam smiled through the tears and Logan wiped at his face, too. Logan pulled Sam back to him and they both laughed, feeling as though they made steps in this conversation that broke down parts of the walls that had thus far separated them. When they pulled back again Logan said, “So the weekend was productive?”

Sam smiled a wide, bright smile and Logan raised a questioning eyebrow. “Yes. It was very…productive.”

It was like a light bulb went off above Logan’s head and he smiled just as brightly as his twin. “Samuel Adam Freeman…did you sleep with him?” Logan laughed as Sam’s face turned red and he looked away, but he was smiling. “You did, didn’t you?”

Sam chuckled, his face showing his happiness despite the emotion that was still present. “Yes. It was…wonderful. The whole thing…it was difficult…and the conversation isn’t over. I think we both just…were wrung out by the end of it. There’s so much more to tell. For both of us. But it was a good start. I don’t know if we’ll ever be where we were, you know?…But maybe now…maybe now we can make something new.” He took a breath. “Logan…I don’t have to tell you that I’m not the same person that I used to be. But…” he looked down unsure of himself before he continued, “but I want us…I’ve kept myself away from you for so long. Can we work on getting back the relationship that we used to have? Before I let my life spiral out of control…before all this mess happened? I know it won’t be something that happens over night…but…I…” Sam looked at his brother, a face that mirrored his almost exactly, not being able to finish his plea. 

And a plea is what it was, Logan wasn’t fooled. Something had happened over the weekend. A switch was flipped somewhere within his brother’s core, and Logan could see it plain as he could see the tears in Sam’s eyes. Logan smiled a bit sadly and replied, “I’ve just been waiting for you to finally see me again, Sammy. I’ve always been right here, man. I’m right here now. There’s nothing to forgive, Sam. Okay?” Sam nodded, unable to speak as his throat closed. “I’m here for whatever you need. Always. I’d love to be back where we used to be, Sammy. I’d love that so much. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry.”

Logan smiled gently. “Stop apologizing. We’re okay. I promise. Alright?” Logan’s voice shook as he looked at his brother’s face. Upon Sam’s nod, Logan hugged him once again. Logan smiled at his brother, glad that he seemed to be coming out of the prison he’d locked himself in so long ago.

“Hey, so, the fair is in town. Wanna take Sammy and go ride some rides and eat some cotton-candy tonight?” Sam grinned at Sy as they sat at the kitchen table Friday morning. Sammy was already at school, Shelly had gone to work where she managed a high-end bank in town, and it was just the two of them. “It’ll be fun. And I don’t know about you…but I haven’t been to a fair since you and I went last.” Sam tried to keep the smile on his face as he mentioned back then. 

“No?” Sam shook his head. “Shelly and I took Sammy a couple of years ago. He was very intrigued by the rides he couldn’t get on yet.” Sy laughed at the memory. “Why did you never go again?”

Sam’s face became serious for a moment as he answered, his eyes darkening with that old, familiar pain. “I stopped doing a lot of things. There wasn’t a point anymore. It all just reminded me of you. And I spent so much time trying to escape the memories that…I stopped doing the things you and I did together. That was one of them.” There was a pause before Sam, having put back on a smile, said, “So? Whattaya say?”

Sy watched his facial expressions. He saw the outer layer, the smile, the childlike excitement at the prospect of going. He bounced slightly in anticipation of his answer and Sy couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled forth. However, through their laughter and Sam’s smile, Sy also saw the under layer. The part that is pushed down where it would be safe from the prying eyes of the outside world. The part that raged with insecurities and anxieties, but hadn’t always. The part that he tried to hide at all costs. 

“I’m sure that Sammy will not be objectionable to this suggestion,” Sy said with a chuckle. Sam’s smile widened and he gave a triumphant ha! And then took another sip of coffee. “What shall we do in the meantime? Do we have any plans today?”

Three weeks had passed since they’d had their stay at the hotel. While they had not, in the time that has since transpired, resumed their talk of the past, they both knew that it would once again be a discussion they would share. However, they both were also aware that they each needed time to regroup. 

Sy shook his head. “I have to update a few of my web designs for a couple companies that want some things changed. Shouldn’t take more than a few hours to get them both done. The deadline isn’t until next week. Why? Did you have something you wanted to do this morning?” Sam gave him a suggestive look with a devilish grin attached to it. Sy laughed outright, a true laugh that was free of anything else, a freeing feeling sweeping through him. 

 “I’m okay with this plan,” Sy agreed with a wink and a smile. Since the weekend at the hotel, where they both let go and gave in to their desires, Sy found himself allowing these moments of sexual intimacy and teasing and, allowed himself within these moments to feel the happiness that he’d thus far lacked in his life. The happiness Shelly had convinced him that he needed to pursue; the light in his life that had been missing since that night.

This idea, this resolve that he had set within himself, within his heart, terrified him to the very core. But he also decided that Shelly was right, as she usually was. He couldn’t let what those bastards did to him control him forever. He wanted to be happy and he wanted to be happy with the man that was sitting across the table looking at him like he was the only other person in the world. Sy concentrated on this feeling. All the feelings that coursed through him. 

He wanted this so badly. 

Sam reached his hand across the table, palm up, and Sy laid his hand within it and smiled. “Have I told you today that I love you?”

Sam smiled and it lit up his face. “You might have mentioned it a few times, but feel free to mention it again. I never get tired of hearing it.”

Sy’s smile matched Sam’s and he felt his heart flutter as he laced their fingers together. “I love you.”

Sam smiled a smile that was as pure as the fresh morning light. There was a slight pinkish tint that colored his cheeks, and his eyes shone like sparkling champagne. “I love you too.” Sam kissed Sy’s knuckles before lightly squeezing his fingers. “Are you done eating?”

Sy nodded. “Yep. I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought,” he said with a face as he looked down at his half eaten plate. 

Sam laughed and standing took Sy’s hand. He locked eyes with the man standing in front of him, his gaze never wavering. Sam leaned in, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss with the promise of more to come once they reached the bedroom. Walking backward, he pulled Sy along with him, their mouths still exploring one another, as they made their way almost blindly toward the bedroom. 

Sy took a moment to be thankful that they hadn’t bought a two-story house as they walked through the bedroom door. Collapsing onto the bed, they slowed down; Sam didn’t want to rush this. He’d missed so much time to love and make love to Sy that he wanted to cherish each moment. He wanted to make Sy feel good without the fear that may follow. He wanted him to get lost within their shared bliss, to get lost within his own pleasure and not have anything hanging over his head once the moment ends. 

And take his time, he did. He explored every inch of Sy’s body, nibbling and sucking sensitive spots, learning his body all over again. He wanted to learn what Sy liked, what gave him the biggest reaction of pleasure, and slowly tease until he could no longer stand it. Until he had Sy begging for release, his breathing hard and fast, fingers digging claw-like into Sam’s back, his hair, the sheets. Sy’s back arched as he came, Sam’s name echoing off his lips as stars burst within his vision.

After they went and picked Sammy up from school that afternoon, both were relaxed and smiling. Sy was taking the time to relish in the feelings he’d been engulfed within as of late. He felt happiness licking at him like the fire of Sam’s touch, burning him within its heat. He’d never before felt happiness on such a level. Nor had he ever felt so loved before.

Sy noticed that while things had changed, some things had not. And something…something had grown. Matured like they had over the last twelve years. The love they shared back then, while real, was young and immature, like they were. Their movements with each other, as far as they had gone back then, which wasn’t exactly too far in Sy’s opinion, their moves were fumbling, nervous. While there was enough nervousness, there was a different form of excitement that went along with the relationship that they were building now. It was new, yet familiar.

“So, Sammy boy, you wanna have some fun tonight?” Sam asked when Sy set down Sammy’s after school snack in front of him.

“Yes!” the boy answered with enthusiasm. “What are we doing?”

Sam smiled, a chuckle falling from his lips. “Well, your dad and I were thinking that maybe you’d like to go to the fair that’s in town.”

Sammy’s eyes grew wide and his little jaw dropped. “Really?” he squealed as he bounced in his seat, a smile splitting his face with excitement. 

“Yes, really. What do you take me for?” Sam gave an indignant and offended look. 

“You’re silly, Daddy.”

Sam felt his heart stop and he had to look away to keep his eyes from watering, but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. Clearing his throat, he looked back at the boy and said, “As long as you’re smiling, little man, I’m happy.”

Sy watched Sam closely, as he always did when Sammy called him that. He was learning to accept how the boy was beginning to think of Sam, and realized that this was a good thing. This was what he had always wanted. For years he had dreamed and prayed to any god that might be listening for just exactly this right here. His son, the love of his life at his side…the family he always wanted.

This was right. This feeling spreading throughout his chest, his whole being, was elating in the most wonderful ways. This is what he’d been missing for so long. Sam’s smile. His laughter. His touch. Him. As he watched Sam and his son talk and joke around, how happy his son was with him and how much they loved each other, he couldn’t imagine how he ever thought this could be wrong. Even for a moment. Brainwashing be damned. He laughed quietly to himself as he felt that black void that had been so much a part of him for so long begin to fill and his soul began to lighten its burden. 

He caught Sam’s questioning gaze and smiled gently at him, as if to let him know that he was fine, despite the tears present in his eyes. When Sammy finished his snack, he went to his room to do what homework he had left, with the promise that they would leave for the fair when he was done. 

Once the boy was in his room and occupied with the door only partially closed, Sam pulled Sy off into the kitchen and leaned the younger man against the counter. With a gentle touch he ran his thumb along the track left by the tears and gave Sy a questioning look.

Sy shook his head, a smile on his face. “I was just thinking. I was thinking that I’ve finally got exactly what I’ve wanted for so long. I’ve got you back in my life. We’re together. My son absolutely loves you. I was thinking that I was happy for the first time in so long.”

Sam smiled brightly, kissing Sy softly, yet with as much passion as ever expressed within it. “I’m glad for all that. Because I’m in love with both of you. Every time he calls me ‘Daddy’ it…hits me somewhere that I didn’t know existed. It wasn’t ever something that I allowed myself to contemplate.” At Sy’s frown, Sam added, “If I wasn’t going to have a family with you, Sy…I didn’t want it. If I couldn’t have you…I didn’t want anyone. I didn’t want to raise a child with someone when my heart wasn’t completely in it. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone.”

“And now?”

“Now? With you and Sammy…I’m in a thousand percent. This is what I’ve waited for too. You, me, and a baby make three. I love that he calls me ‘Daddy’. I’m honored. And I didn’t know how much I needed it until the first time he called me that. I love you both so much. You two have become my world. It’s consuming in a wonderfully different way than…back then.” 

Sy’s smile blossomed across his beautiful features. “I love you so much.”

“Daddy, can we get some cotton candy? Oh, and the…the…I can’t remember what it’s called…the cake stuff? And can we ride all the rides that I’m tall enough to ride? Oh, and Daddy, I wanna win a gorilla stuffed animal! The big one!” The boy was going a mile a minute as they approached the admission gate.

As Sam paid for the three of them, Sy said laughing, “Sammy, baby boy, slow down.” The boy bounced on his toes in excitement uncontained and bit his lip. “We can have cotton candy and funnel cake, ride all the rides and make a valiant effort in obtaining you your giant stuffed gorilla. You’ve just gotta wait a moment until the nice man gives us the tickets.”

The ticket man handed over the bracelets that allowed them on the rides and inside the fair with a gruff grunt and a dismissive wave of his hand. Sam handed one to Sy and secured Sammy’s to his wrist before putting his own on. With a smile they entered and Sammy looked around, his face alight with excitement, the colorful lights reflecting in his eyes. Sy pulled the boy off to the side with a small tug of his hand and knelt to his level. “Now,” he began, “what did we say about staying close to us?”

Sammy looked very seriously at his father and replied, “I’m to stay next to you or Daddy and hold one of your hands if we’re not on a ride or playing a game and that no matter what, I’m not to wander off for any reason whatsoever. And I won’t, either, ‘cause I ‘member how scary it was at the park and…” he looked around at the massive amount of people gathered at the fair tonight before looking back to his father, “and I don’t want anyone taking me away from either of you.”

Sy smiled and glanced up at Sam, who was standing next to them, before looking back to his son. “That’s very good. ‘Cause I don’t want anyone taking you away from either of us, either. So let’s make sure to all stay together, okay?”

Sammy nodded and smiled, his attention moving to Sam. Without a word the boy slipped his hand into Sam’s and together they began heading into the fair. Sammy looked around, his mind focused on finding one thing. Cotton candy. It wasn’t often that Sy allowed the boy to have candy, let alone pure sugar, but there were occasions like this that he allowed that child-like exuberance for things like cotton candy and funnel cake and kettle corn to run wild. 

“Daddies, look! I found some!” Sammy, in keeping with his promise, kept his hands firmly locked within Sam’s and his father’s, but dragged them along as he tried to both hold their hands and sprint toward his ultimate goal.

“Well, hello there, little boy. What color do you fancy?” The vendor looked at the tall stick that held the treats. “We’ve got blue, pink, or multicolored.”

Sammy giggled. “I want the colorful one, please.”

“That’s a good choice there, little sir. It’s the one I always pick too.” The man handed Sammy the sweets with a wink and smile and Sammy accepted it with a genuine smile back.

“Thanks, Mister!” And before Sy could even fully hand over the money to the man in the red and white pin-stripped uniform with a matching hat, Sammy had already taken his first bite.

It wasn’t long before Sammy handed Sy his cotton candy, becoming distracted by the prizes for the games they had lined up. “Daddies, look!” Sammy pointed up above a man’s head that was calling for players to win prizes. “It’s a giant gorilla. Can I play, Daddy? Can I?”

Sy smiled at the boy. “Of course you can.” Sammy smiled and ran up to the man running the booth, Sam and Sy only a step behind. “How much?” Sy asked as they walked up.

The man smiled at Sammy then answered Sy. “One dollar for six baseballs.” Sy handed over the money and the man slid the balls over to Sammy, whose smile split his face. “Alright, big guy, what you need to do is take this baseball and throw it at the stack of cans right there. The more you knock over, the bigger the prize won! You ready?”

Sammy nodded and picked up a ball. “I’m ready.”

“Fire away,” the man said with a gesture and a smile as Sammy threw the first ball. The ball flew through the air, smashing directly into the center of the stacked tin cans. The top five cans fell, clanging against the ground beneath, leaving five cans left standing. 

“Whoa, look at you! You’ve got quite a good arm on you there, son. One day I’m gonna turn on the baseball game and there you’ll be, the starting pitcher! Knock down the rest of them.” The man turned and smiled at Sy, who returned it. “That must be a new record,” he said as Sammy knocked down the last five cans with his second ball. See if you can take down that next stack over there.”

By the time that Sammy had run out of baseballs, he had three giant stuffed animals and he was beaming with pride. “Did you see me knock down all those cans, Daddy?” Sammy asked Sam as the worker handed Sam the prizes.

“I did see you, Sammy boy. I’m very proud of you.” Sammy beamed brighter with the compliment. As Sam looked at Sy he said, “I don’t know how I’m going to see anything else, but I did, at least, see that.”

Sy chuckled and took Sammy’s hand. “Maybe they’ll let you go put those in the car or something.” 

Sam nodded in agreement. “I hope so.” With that he made his way through the crowd, trying not to bump into anyone, in the hopes that he wouldn’t have to carry these damn things around for the next several hours. Who knew the kid could throw like that? 

With some mercy the ticket attendant allowed him to go unload his burden in the car and re-enter the fair without hassle. Sam thanked him more than once. Meeting back up with the two smiling faces that awaited him, they wandered back into the throng of people.

 “Can we ride some of the rides now?” Sammy asked as he looked around. “I think I’m tall enough for at least a couple of them now.”

Sam laughed at the indignant tone in his voice, his little hands coming up to rest on his little hips. “I’m sure you are, Sammy boy. Come on, let’s go find some.”

And they did find some. Three. Which was satisfying enough for Sammy, who came away smiling and dizzy. “That was fun, Daddies. Can we get some funnel cake?” His eyes grew wide at the prospect and Sam swore the boy’s mouth began to water.

Sy laughed and ruffled the boy’s hair. “I don’t see why not. After all–” Whatever else he was about to say was forgotten as he heard a calling of his name. 

“Sy?”

He’d know that voice anywhere, as it haunts him in his dreams. He turned toward the sound of the voice, the noise from the fair now silent, as if someone turned down the soundtrack. When he turned, his heart fell to his toes and his breath left him. His knees felt so weak upon seeing her face that if Sam hadn’t been standing so close behind him, he would have fallen backward.

“Mom?”