Sy held Sam until he cried himself out and fell asleep. As he lay there in the quiet, the only sound being Sam’s even breathing, Sy contemplated the man next to him. Sam’s pain was much more intense than he ever let on. He held it close to his chest, never letting anyone know or see how much the years without him still affected him. 

Sy watched him sleep, absently running his hand up and down Sam’s back, arm, hair; thinking about the story Sam had told him that led to this moment. As he watched him, Sy contemplated that Sam likely had it worse, if there was a comparison, once he was out of the camp.

While true that he had gone to a homeless shelter for a duration of time, within its walls he found counseling and support, and while he still struggled, realized that he still did have support. Shelly, with whom he could talk about anything that he needed, and he knew that she would be there without question. He allowed people to help him, even if the slightest bit. And then there was his son. The light. After Sammy was born, Sy shoved away all the terrors that haunted him and focused on the infant he had created. He had someone he loved unconditionally that loved him equally in return. His son showed him that life wasn’t over, even if it hurt.

While on the other hand, Sam had locked himself away. All his pain and all his fear, he ran from it. He hid from it. Never letting anyone in and never letting his pain out, he masked it all behind drugs and sex. He was alone in every sense of the word and it was bearing down on him, overwhelming him to the point of suicide. And more than once. More than twice!

At the thought of Sam taking his life, as the images of what Sam had relayed to him hours prior replayed through his mind, Sy felt his heart break for his best friend. Silent tears leaked from his eyes and as he blinked them away, kissed Sam’s forehead gently. “I love you so much,” he whispered. “I love you more than I can ever tell you. I don’t ever want to let you go. I don’t want you to let me go, either.”

Sam was quiet the next morning as they gathered up their things to check out in time. Zipping up his bag, Sy placed a soft hand on Sam’s arm. Sam stopped his movements, his eyes slipping closed. Sy could see tears peeking from under his lashes, though none fell, and knew that what he had confessed the night before was weighing heavily on his mind. Sam swallowed heavily, swallowing more than the tears he felt brimming. 

“Sammy.” Sam looked at him, his eyes speaking loudly, even if he wasn’t. Sy cupped his cheeks between his hands, his thumbs wiping across prominent cheekbones. Sam took in a shaky breath, his eyes, full of an old sorrow, bored directly into Sy’s soul. Leaning up, he kissed him before drawing Sam into a tight embrace. Sy could feel him shaking and tightened his grip that much more. “It’s okay now, Sammy. I’m right here.”

At his words Sam nodded against his shoulder but tightened his grip as well, as if reaffirming Sy’s whispered words. When he pulled back, Sam hastily wiped his face and tried to smile. “Ready?”

“Are you?” Sy countered. At Sam’s nod, Sy asked, “Are you okay, Sammy?”

At the gentleness in his tone, Sam’s voice caught. He cleared it and tried again. “Yes and no. But I will be.” He sat down on the corner of the bed and Sy knelt so they were looking eye to eye. They had an hour before official check-out time, so Sy wasn’t worried. “All these years, I never dealt with how any of this affected me. I just tried to bury it. Under whatever I could. But nothing ever helped. And talking about it…” His voice thickened and he had to pause for a moment before he trudged on. “It brings it all back. I never knew how to handle it and I still don’t know how. I hate showing emotion to people. And it’s hard showing it to you. I…I never told anyone what led me up to trying to OD the first time. I’ve never told anyone that story other than you. And it still hurts.”

“Sammy, look at me.” When their eyes met, Sy continued. “I’m right here. And we will get through all of this bullshit together. We’ll cry and we’ll scream and we’ll relive it all, but we’ll do it together this time. We’re not alone anymore.”

Sam nodded, sniffled and closed his eyes for a moment. He breathed deeply to get himself under control. When he opened his eyes again, he smiled as the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen swam into his view. “I love you.”

Sy smiled and pulled him steadily to his feet and kissed him with the sweetest smile Sam could ever recall seeing. “I love you.”

“Hey,” Shelly greeted him as he came through their front door. She hugged him tightly. “How did everything go?” she asked upon pulling back. “Sam go home?”

Sy made his way into the living room, glad Sammy was still at school, and sat heavily on to the couch. “Yeah, he went home. He’s got some work that he needs to do, but more than that, I think he needs to process what all happened this weekend. As to your first question,” Sy scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “It was…emotional…we both ended up talking about things. But…something else happened too…”

His pause left Shelly in high anticipation and she became impatient. “Well, what? What happened, for crying out loud?”

Sy could feel his face heat up as he said, “We slept together.”

Shelly let out an excited exclamation, her hand gripping his shoulder as her mouth fell open. “Holy fucking shit! Are you serious?” At his nod, she squealed in delight and hugged him tightly. “Oh my God, that’s so amazing! I’m so happy for you! How was it?” 

Sy laughed at her enthusiasm, but couldn’t deny he felt ecstatic about the experience as well. “It was...God, Shelly, it was amazing. He was amazing. He was so gentle with me. He made me feel better than I ever have felt before in my life. In his arms I felt taken care of and treasured. It was unlike anything else.”

Shelly smiled at him, happy that he was happy. “So, he actually opened up about things?”

Sy nodded. “He did. All the way. He didn’t try to hide anything. He didn’t try to get out of talking about it. It made me realize some things, really.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

Sy thought about it for a moment, gathering the right words in the right order. “It made me realize how alone he’s been all this time. I’ve had you and Sammy…and the people that have helped me along the way once I got out of that place. Shelly, I was only there for a year. And for that one year I was incredibly alone. But after that…after that I was surrounded by people that were helping me in some form.” Sy looked at her then, his eyes saddened by this new knowledge. “He didn’t. His brother Logan and Logan’s girlfriend have been there, and they would have been more so had Sammy actually allowed them to be. But he didn’t. He locked himself inside his pain and that’s where he’s been ever since. In some form, I was able to escape that night. Maybe not entirely, but I was able to move on from what happened to me and to us to some degree. He hadn’t.”