Sam looked away as a tear fell from his eye, wanting to hide the pain and the vulnerability he was now ensconced in. “Sammy…” Sy placed his palm against his cheek, wiping his thumb across his cheekbone, catching the falling water. Sam pushed his face into Sy’s hand, searching for that comfort, as well as the reassurance that he was actually there with him. 

Sometimes it was still hard for him to believe. 

“Sammy, I’m right here. Look at me.” Sam did look even as more tears fell and lost to gravity’s pull. “I’m right here.” 

“Please don’t leave me again.” The plea was whispered in a heartbroken and aching way.  

“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know how I survived without you before, but I don’t plan on repeating the experience. ” Sy kissed him with such gentleness that their lips merely brushed together. But within it was a message that made Sam’s heart slow back down. “It’s late. Let’s lay down and get some sleep. We can talk more tomorrow.”

As they lay down Sy opened his arms, offering Sam some of the comfort he so desperately sought, and wrapped up within the other’s embrace, each fell into slumber. 

That night Sam dreamed. He dreamed about a life that almost seemed out of reach. A life where they weren’t haunted by their past. A life where they didn’t have to be afraid to love each other. One where they weren’t held back by unsureities and unrelenting fear. 

The fear that had settled within Sam’s core was different from that of Sy’s. Their experiences, while spinning off from the same singular moment of time, were unique unto themselves. 

The following night found them bringing dinner back to their room, their conversation superficial, each nervous about what they knew was coming. They’d spent the day relaxing in the room, each trying to put from their mind the things that brought them to this spot, each wanting to ease themselves and each other into what was to come next.

They cleaned up their dinner silently and gathered back on the bed. Sam, as opposed to the night before, sat on the edge of the bed, not facing Sy. His elbows were braced on his knees and for twenty heartbeats hid behind the cover of his hands. Sy gave him a bit of space, crossing his legs in front of him as he faced Sam’s profile. He didn’t speak, but he did watch, scrutinizing in thoughtful rumination as he waited for Sam to speak.

“The first time I tried to OD…I did it because…I thought…” Sy watched as he fought to keep in control of his emotions and was losing the battle. Understanding that Sam needed his space through this telling, didn’t move to touch him; despite every instinct telling him to do so. He knew Sam would let him know and so, kept still and silent, waiting for Sam to finish. “I thought I saw you. Morgan and I were walking through the mall. Just goofing around. I was telling her something…I have no idea what…I remember her laughing…

Sam stopped speaking half-way through his sentence, his body going completely still, his eyes fixated on something across the way. Morgan, who had been laughing at his story, watched him as her smile slowly dropped away. She didn’t move until she saw tears fall from his eyes. 

She had never known the cause of the pain he carried within, as he always refused to speak of it, but she knew that whatever it was had cut him deeply and her friend had never healed. She walked up next to his side, slipping her hand into his. He gripped her hand in a fierce attempt at keeping it together. “What? What is it?”

He didn’t look at her. He didn’t speak to her. “Sy?” He began walking in the direction of a clothing store, dragging her along only because she hadn’t let go of his hand. 

“Who’s Sy?” she asked, but he didn’t hear her. 

“Is it you? Please be you…” 

“Who are you talking about?” She helped him look even though she had no idea who she was looking for.  

He approached a man from behind, his pace quickening. He had finally let go of her hand, allowing her now to follow him on her own. “Sy?” Sam placed his hand on the man’s back, causing the man to turn around. Sam’s hand fell to his side, devastation marked clearly over his face. 

“Sorry,” the stranger said with a small frown. “I think you have me mistaken for someone else.”

Sam felt himself die inside at this disappointment. “I’m sorry to bother you.” As tears began to fall freely, he looked to Morgan, desperation written clearly on her face. “I need to go.”

“She took me back to her place. I didn’t say anything on the way to her house. She tried at first, but…” he shrugged, still not looking at Sy, “she gave up. Until we reached her house.”

Sam collapsed down onto her couch as his soul collapsed in on itself. Morgan sat down next to him, her arm going around him in a friendly gesture, as he came undone. 

Once he’d calmed down, she asked, “Who is Sy?”

Sam let out a choked sob and shook his head. “He is the love of my life. His father sent him away years ago…after he found out about us…” He wiped his face and took a breath. 

“What happened to him?” Morgan asked softly. 

He shrugged again. “I don’t know. I’ve not seen nor heard from him since the night he told me goodbye. I thought…he looked so much like him.” Sam wiped his face and sniffled before he cleared his throat and pulled out his wallet. Pulling out some money, he said, “I need a hit. Or three,” he said as he laid down the money. 

“Are you sure?” 

He nodded. “Fuck yes, I’m sure. I just want it to go away. Please.”

Morgan nodded and stood, disappearing into her bedroom and coming back with her own kit that she used and three fresh needles. 

“I took the first two hits with Morgan and then I went home. I knew that my parents wouldn’t be home and Logan wasn’t living at home anymore. When I realized that he wasn’t you…it all became too much. The pain of not having seen you in almost three years. Not knowing what happened to you then. Or what was happening to you now. I didn’t know if you were alive or dead…I didn’t know anything. And when he wasn’t you, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t live with it anymore.” He paused, gathering his wits and his thoughts before he plunged onward. “I’m not sure how long it was after I took the hit that Logan found me. It must not have been too long because he found me before I lost consciousness entirely.” 

Sam looked at Sy then. “At that moment, I lost any last shred of hope that I might have still possessed. I was haunted by it. I was haunted by the memory of you. You were everywhere. And you were nowhere. And I didn’t want to live in that pain anymore. And I knew the only way out of it was to die.” 

Sy kept silent even as he too cried, his understanding of the pain that Sam was describing was paramount and intense. “I’m glad he found you, Sammy.” Sy pursed his lips together, compressing them to keep himself from falling apart completely. “I’m glad th-that you found me.”

Sam nodded in quick succession. “I am, too. Sy?” Sy arched an eyebrow at him in question, but didn’t speak. “Hold me. I just…I need you…Please.” Sy reached for him then, pulling Sam by the hand gently up next to him before laying him down in the safety he was presenting. When Sam was wrapped up in his arms and Sy’s arms anchored around Sam’s back, Sam broke. He clutched and clung to Sy, his wails and lamentation that came directly from a locked away space in his soul, let loose of the pain he’d hid from for so long.