Sy stood, his hand in Sam’s and allowed Sam to pull him close against him. They swayed to the music, every inch of them touching as the music washed over them. Sy set his head on Sam’s shoulder, listening to his heart beating, relishing in the safety of the moment, of Sam’s arms. 

Right then nothing could touch them. Not their past. Not the hatred of the world. In that moment it was just the two of them, the song, and nothing else. “I know we’re not done having this conversation. But for a while, let us have this moment.” Sam met his eyes and as the singer began to sing her bluesy tune, he asked, “Will you sing to me?” 

As Sy’s voice washed over him, Sam closed his eyes and felt himself relax. The conversation that they’d had thus far had been taxing, and he hadn’t even gotten into many details. As they moved slowly, Sam concentrated on Sy’s voice, the feel of Sy’s hand holding his, their bodies pressed so close together.

His scent was intoxicating and his warmth was inviting. “I missed you so much,” he whispered when there was a pause of vocals in the song.

Sy looked at him and smiled the slightest bit. “I missed you, too. So many nights and probably just as many days I cried for you. I begged you to find me. I pleaded with you to save me. A part of me had given up hope that that would ever happen. Eventually, I convinced myself that you’d moved on. It had been years and with each passing year without you, I really convinced myself that you’d likely moved on. That you’d found someone that you love. That you were happy somewhere.” 

“I hoped the same thing for you. I didn’t want you to be stuck in the past like I was. Stuck somewhere you couldn’t escape. I hoped that whatever had happened to you, that you’d come out of it alive and had managed to find some form of happiness.” They’d stopped dancing, the music playing still softly in the background, their hands still clasped, as they looked into each other’s eyes. 

“I did find some form of happiness. Since he was born, Sammy’s been my only reason for living. And while I always searched for you in every person that I would see, I had long given up actually finding you. It wasn’t something that I had admitted out loud. I didn’t want to admit it to myself. And maybe that’s why I never stopped looking. I couldn’t bring myself to completely give up. But goddamn it, Sammy, it hurt so much to actively look.” Sy looked deeply into Sam’s eyes before he leaned upward and lightly pressed his lips to Sam’s.

Sam’s arms wound around him, the kiss deepening as they made their way to the bed. While they had explored each other, tasted each other, they had yet to fully sleep together. Each of them holding back for their own reasons and fears that at this moment, were nonexistent. Sam’s legs hit the bed and his knees buckled, Sy following his trajectory and climbing into his lap. 

Sy could feel Sam’s want through their jeans just as he could feel Sam’s hands climbing up his ribs, leaving tickling trails that burned with desire. A desire Sy thought was long gone. Sam rid Sy of his shirt, his lips circling around the tender flesh of his nipples before moving upward, nipping at Sy’s neck.

Sy’s heavy breathing egged Sam on, the sounds escaping his throat encouraging. When his lips clashed with Sy’s again, Sam’s hands began working on the button to Sy’s jeans, pulling them down along with his underwear. Sy stood to discard the jeans and once they were off his legs and no longer a tripping hazard, Sam held Sy by his hips, holding him in place as his tongue dragged up the underside of his hardened length. 

Sy’s hands gripped Sam’s shoulders to keep his balance as lightning shot through his entire body in a feeling that was beyond simple bliss. He moaned deep in his throat as Sam swallowed him down to the very base, his breathing becoming ragged as his balls began to tighten. Sam heard his name being ground out through clenched teeth as Sy’s hips moved with Sam’s rhythm, his fingers digging into his shoulder, gripping his hair. With his free hand, the one that wasn’t gripping onto Sy’s hip in a firm grasp, cupped his balls in his hand, massaging and bringing Sy further into ecstasy.

“Oh, fuck, Sammy,” Sam looked up, his mouth and his hand never stopping, watching Sy’s face as he pleasured him. As his breathing picked up speed even more, coming in quick, choppy breaths, his head fell back, his mouth opened in a silent scream that only they could hear. “So good. God, you feel so good.” With one hard suck to his shaft and a gentle squeezing of his balls, Sy shouted Sam’s name as he shot straight down Sam’s throat. 

Catching him as he fell into him, Sam rolled them until Sy was on his back, his body weight half-way pinning him down as he captured Sy’s lips once more. Grabbing the small bottle of lube from the nightstand, Sam returned to Sy’s lips, his one hand working the cap open and then squeezed a good amount into his other hand. As he slid his slickened hand over Sy’s hole, he willed himself to slow down. 

Not only did he not want to hurt Sy by rushing this process, he didn’t want this moment to end. He wanted this moment to last forever. As Sam slowly slid one digit inside he felt Sy tense around his finger, though the moans he was eliciting from Sy gave him the encouragement he needed to keep going. Sam captured Sy’s mouth with his own, sucking and biting on swollen lips as he slowly began to move the finger inside him. After several aching moments, and when Sy was begging for more, Sam slipped a second finger inside him, causing Sy to buck up, his back coming off the bed as his movement pushed Sam’s fingers all the way inside him. Sam waited, allowing Sy to grow accustomed to the feeling of being stretched, until Sy began to move his hips, telling him silently to keep going.

“Sammy…” he moaned, elongating his name as pleasure shot through him. “More. Sammy. I want all of you. Please. I want you inside of me.” Sam smiled as he kissed the man before him so gently and full of love that Sy’s eyes watered.

“Roll over to your side. It’ll—”

Sy shook his head. “No. Like this. I want to be able to see you. I don’t care if it hurts more this way. Please, Sammy.” 

Sam didn’t argue, just kissed him, slicked himself up and lined himself against Sy’s entrance before he slowly, ever so fucking slowly, pushed his way inside. The feelings that spread through Sy were exquisite. Even the pain of being taken like this, regardless of how gentle Sam was being with him, took him to levels he’d never known before. He moved so slowly, yet when he hit that sweet spot it brought stars to his eyes. As Sam felt him begin to get used to having him inside him, he began to pick up speed, hitting Sy’s prostate with enough force to make Sy scream out his name.  

Wrapping his legs around Sam’s hips, he matched Sam’s pace, bringing Sam all the way inside him. The pleasure and sweet torture surrounded them both. Sy watched as the sensations played across Sam’s face as they played across his body. Their moans matched in time as they came closer to that edge. “Fuck, Sammy, don’t fucking stop. Fuckfuckfuckfuck god, Sammy…so close, I’m so close.” 

His orgasm hit him like a freight train, his muscles going at once rigid as Sam’s name was forced from his lungs on the wave of a pleasure-filled scream.

 The tightening around Sam brought him so close, but he wanted to hold off, wanting to make sure that Sy got everything out of this. That he could give him this moment of pleasure in-between the pain they were working through. At the sound of his name echoing off the walls, and the knowledge that it was he that brought Sy to such heights, was enough to make him spill over the edge as well.

They lay together, side by side, panting, their hands connected as their bodies cooled, coming down from their endorphin high. Sam rolled over and brought his arm around Sy, gently pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. “I love you.”

Sy smiled, happiness spreading through him and he turned his head to look at him. “I love you, too. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but I really am happy. You have no idea how happy I am to have you in my life again. I knew that I always needed you, but I didn’t realize how much I needed you until I had you back.”

Sam looked at him, their eyes holding each other as they spoke without words before Sam did speak his thoughts. “I know exactly how you feel to have me back, because I feel the same way about having you back in my life. I just…I always knew how much I needed you. I just stopped allowing myself to hope that that would ever happen.” Sam drew his fingertips down Sy’s face, enjoying the texture of his skin under his hand. “Listen…before we get back into the hard stuff…how about we go grab a quick shower and go get some dinner. Once we get back, I promise, I’ll tell you whatever else you want to know.”

As they exited the hotel they turned left and headed south. They’d walked half a block when Sam glanced sideways at Sy, smiled, and reached out his hand. Sy stared at the proffered hand for what felt like an eternity, but what was only mere seconds, before he threw aside his anxieties and took Sam’s hand. He closed his eyes as they began to walk, ignoring all the shouts resonating inside his head, breathing deeply to stay calm.

Sam smiled, squeezing his hand slightly as they continued to walk down the road looking for dinner. “Have any idea what you might be hungry for?”

“Actually, yes. I want a juicy burger with all the toppings that's so greasy that it’s running down my arms and a large fry.” Sy giggled delightedly as he looked to his left, his smile widening even further as he spied Sam’s smiling face. He’s so beautiful.

Sam laughed. “Is that what you want?” At Sy’s nod and cheeky grin Sam couldn’t help the laugh that flowed forth effortlessly. “Alright then. If that’s what my love wants, that’s what he shall receive. I know just the place.”

They walked the rest of the way, hand in hand, laughing at the conversation they shared. The mood was bright and they took the time to enjoy the moment. For now they had agreed to let the past be the past. To not allow their shared pain to intervene with right now. 

They made it to the burger joint without issues, laughing and joking the whole way, and this mood preceded them through dinner. Sy’s mouth began to salivate as the waiter placed their plates down in front of them. Sam was reminded of a cartoon wolf sneaking up on its prey, drool upon their lips with anticipation of this more flavored meal. He couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. 

“Oh my God, this is hitting the spot perfectly,” Sy said about half-way through dinner. “I was starving.”

Sam smiled with a mischievous glint in his eye and said, “Well, you, uh, did burn a lot of calories beforehand.” He winked and as Sy’s face turned beet red, Sam laughed outright. “You’re adorable, you know that?”

Sy, still blushing furiously, couldn’t help the small smile that appeared. “Stop it.” He hid behind his bite of food, trying to avert his eyes from Sam’s smiling face.

“Stop what? I don’t understand. All I said was that you’re adorable. That’s all.” Sam laughed as Sy’s face began turning colors all over again. 

“Sammy, stop it!” Sy couldn’t help but laugh along with Sam. “It’s very hard to eat my dinner all blushy like this.”

Sam chuckled around his food, but relented. “Okay, I’ll stop. For now.” He winked. “I just really like seeing you smile. And I like the fact that you believe me when I tell you you’re adorable. Or beautiful.”

Sy’s smile widened. His face was almost purple by this point. “What makes you think that I believe you?” He did believe Sam when he told him those things. Which was new and exciting. He had always believed him when they were kids. And now that they were falling into a place where they were more comfortable with each other, to a place that felt like, at least to Sy, was leading them toward where they were all those years ago, wanted to allow himself to enjoy each simple moment like this one.

“Because you’re blushing. If you didn’t believe it, you wouldn’t blush about it.” Sam smiled triumphantly as he popped a french fry into his mouth. 

They finished eating, Sam paid for the food, and hand-in-hand they left the restaurant. As they walked, Sy contemplated recent events. He thought about the fact that he was holding Sam’s hand out in public, and while he was still terrified, he was doing it and no one else walking the street that night was glancing twice at them. He was beginning to allow himself to believe that maybe things would be alright. That they really were wrong in what they made him and the others believe. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Sam asked as he placed a light kiss against Sy’s temple.

Sy smiled and shrugged. “Just thinking that…I’m happy. With you. Being here. Having found you. Not…” he tightened his grip on Sam’s hand, “not letting my own fears stop me.”

Sam stopped walking and looked at him, his eyes roaming gently over Sy’s face, a smile upon his own. “Have I told you how proud I am of you?”

Sy frowned, confused, but then smiled nonetheless. “No.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what I’ve done for all that, but…” he shrugged again and looked down, a smile still playing on his lips. 

With a finger under his chin, Sam brought Sy’s gaze back up to his. “I’m sorry, then. I should have said something sooner. I, Sy Benson, am very proud of you. I’m proud of you because after what you’ve been through, you’re not letting it stop you. You’re holding my hand in public. You’re letting me stand close enough to kiss you right here on the sidewalk.” Sam grinned as he leaned in and kissed him in the most fleeting of ways. When he pulled back, Sy followed, kissing him a bit deeper. When they pulled back, Sam was smiling. “There’s a lot to be proud of when it comes to you.”

When they entered the hotel room, a heaviness came over them as they knew what was to come next. Sy smiled gently at Sam over the glow of the lamp light and walked up to him. He took his hand and leaned up to kiss him. “You don’t have to talk about it anymore tonight. You know that, right?”

Sam closed his eyes with a deep sigh. “I know. But I haven’t really told you much. And that was the whole point of coming here this weekend. It hurts, and it scares me, but I need to tell you. It’s killing me, Sy.”

Sy nodded. “Then let’s talk.” He turned and tugged on Sam’s hand, who followed as he mentally prepared himself. 

When they were situated on the bed and facing each other, Sam took Sy’s hand and began to rub this thumb over Sy’s palm. “I kinda knew some people that I would drink with at the club. Six of us including me. Anyway, we were at the club…”

Sam was standing at the bar, drink in hand. The music was blaring loud enough to drown out Sam’s thoughts, the alcohol doing the rest. Colored lights flashed and danced around the dance floor, illuminating the dancers as they moved in quick spurts. The spotlight’s gleam ran over a couple who were pressed close together, their mouths and tongues entangled. The pang that shot through Sam’s chest made him choke on his drink. He turned his back to the crowd, not able to look any longer.

“Hey. You okay? Looking down tonight.”

Sam looked to his right where a female voice spoke to him. “Hey, Morgan.”

She wrapped a tattooed arm around him and drunkenly leaned in. “So, what’s up, buttercup? Why the long face?”

Sam took a sip of his drink and shook his head. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. Just thinking.” He said, dismissing her question with a shrug. 

“That’s some heavy thinking about nothing, then, eh?” She smiled. “Well, me and the guys are gonna jump this ship and go have some fun. Want to come with us?”

He shrugged again and downed his drink. “Sure. Why not? What are we doing?”

She grinned as they turned to meet the others. “I guess you’ll find out when you find out.”

“So we left the club together. I followed them to Morgan’s house. They grabbed some drinks from the fridge and we all smoked a bit, listened to some music. They were messing around and whatnot, but my head wasn’t in it. That’s when Andrew pulled out a little baggie.”

“Did you ever…I mean…did you ever share needles?”

He shook his head. “No. I was always safe. With sex. With drugs. And I got checked regularly. The last time I got checked was a couple weeks before we met at the park that first time. And I haven’t been with anyone but you since the last time I got checked. Nor had I been with anyone for weeks before I got checked.”

“Hey, man, you ever tried this shit before?” Andrew asked him as he pulled out his kit.

Sam shook his head as he eyed the baggie. “No.”

Andrew paused in unzipping his kit and looked at him. “Do you want to try?”

Morgan sidled up next to him grinning. “It’ll make ya feel really good. Make you stop thinking about whatever it is you’re thinking about.”

Sam looked over at her with a look that made her stop short. “You promise?”

She studied him for a moment. She didn’t know him well, but in that moment saw the pain he was in. “Yeah. It’ll make you forget about the pain. For a while anyway.”

“And she was right. For a while, it worked really well. I wanted so badly to not feel anymore. Because all I felt was…was your absence. So I took a clean syringe from the box and Andrew loaded me up a hit. Since I’d never shot up before, Morgan did it for me the first few times and then taught me how to do it myself.”

“What did it feel like?” Sy asked with a curious expression. At Sam’s frown he added with a small chuckle, “Don’t worry. I’m not looking to try it. I’m just wondering.”

Sam sighed and looked away. “It was euphoric. All I felt was the drug rushing through me and when it hit me, I smiled for the first time in years. I felt lighter. The void inside me that was left over when you left…I mean, it wasn’t gone, but…it wasn’t so consuming. All my thoughts left me and I relaxed. And I liked that feeling. It was something other than…empty.”

Sy nodded. “I understand empty.” He gave Sam a half-smile as he said this. 

“Anything you wanna share?” Sam asked quietly as he lightly touched Sy’s cheek.

He shrugged and looked away. “Aren’t we supposed to be talking about you?”

“We have been talking about me.” Sam leaned in and kissed him, kissing him between each sentence, his words gently whispered in encouragement. “You just looked like you had something to say. So please. I want to know.”

Sy let out a deep breath, his gaze never wavering from Sam’s. “I understand that empty feeling. Once my father…” he squeezed his eyes shut and looked away. “And then once he made me go with the man that ran the camp…there was nothing left.”

“Can I…can I ask you something?” Sam sounded unsure, and this made Sy nervous. He swallowed his nervousness and nodded. “The man that ran the camp…did he ever…hurt…you…like…like your dad did that night?”

Sy shook his head. “No. He had his own special brand of torturing us. But it wasn’t sexual. It was mental, physical and emotional torture. But it was never anything sexual. He didn’t get off on what he was doing. The sick thing is, I really think he thought he was helping us.”

Sam nodded with a sigh of relief. “Good. That it wasn’t sexual, I mean. I was worried about it. Bad enough that it happened once…I’m glad that it didn’t happen there, too.”

“It’s about the only thing that didn’t happen there. Though I’ve heard of similar places that were sexually abusing the people there.” Sy looked at him a moment before speaking again. Sam took a breath to ask something else, but then let it out slowly without speaking, a small frown appearing across his brow. “What? You look like you want to ask something.”

“I have a lot of questions I want to ask you, Sy. Twelve years worth of questions.” 

There was a sad and yet desperate look in his eyes that Sy wanted to alleviate. His throat closed and his chest tightened but he pushed his next words from his gullet with all his might. “What do you want to ask me?” Sam brought his eyes up from the floor to look at Sy.

“Really?”

Sy nodded. “I’ll answer your questions, Sammy. Even if it hurts to do so. It’s only fair. I have to give to get and if we’re going to be sharing difficult things this weekend, I can do the same.”

Sam took Sy’s hand in his and said in a broken whisper, “I don’t want to cause you pain, Sy.” 

Smiling with a slight upturn of his full lips, he said, “Sammy…these are not easy memories. They won’t be easy questions to ask and they won’t be easy questions to answer. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt us both. It won’t be easy to listen to, either.” He took a deep breath and tried to slow his breathing. “So just…ask me.” His voice broke, his tone lowering to an unsure whisper, and he closed his eyes as Sam voiced his question

“Did you ever try to look for me? Ever? Did you ever try to find me? I mean…I know you said you looked for me in the people that you saw…but that isn’t quite what I mean.” His voice carried with it such a tone that it tore at Sy’s heart strings. He sounded both terrified to know the answer to that question and like the weight of not knowing the answer split him equally down the center. His eyes misted over and his voice shook, but he didn’t look away from Sy’s stare.

“I looked for you in every person I saw. After we graduated college, I wanted to move back here. I knew there was no way that I could do it alone with Sammy being as little as he was…and Shelly, well…she knew about our past and how my father ripped us apart. She knew that I wanted to find you. So we found the place we’re in now and moved here.” He took a steadying breath before he continued.

“Once we got here…I hoped that I would run into you somewhere. I imagined it would be somewhere benign like the grocery store or the bank. I tried a couple times to find you on Shelly’s Facebook, but I never could find you. I don’t have one…so I tried to use hers.

“There were times where I drove by your parents’ house to see if maybe you were there. I never saw you. I never had the courage to knock. I knew that you likely didn’t live there anymore. I didn’t know even if they still lived there. On particularly bad days I would walk around and just search…search every face and listen for your voice. But I never found you.”