Quietly he zipped up his duffel and slung it over his shoulder. He knew no one would be awake at this hour and slipped quietly and unnoticed out the front door. He walked through the predawn hours toward the bus station. He had one destination in mind.

He didn’t know why he was so certain that he would find Sy at this location, but he knew he had to be there. Several nights prior he dreamt that he’d finally located him. He knew in the dream he had never been there. But when he awoke, he knew that he had to go there. He had to try. He couldn’t resist the pulling he had toward this place. 

“I put all my hopes into finding you there. Every single shred of hope I had left.” 

He spoke to no one as he boarded the bus, nor did he speak for the duration of the journey. It took days, but he didn’t care. He had money in his pocket, so he wouldn’t starve. 

“Where did you plan on sleeping?” Sy asked with a small frown.

“I didn’t plan on sleeping, Sy. And I didn’t, really, I just...napped where I could. When I got there, I had no idea what to do next.”

When Sam arrived at his destination it was two p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon. Three days after he left. He looked around wondering what to do next. 

“I just kinda...aimlessly wandered around town for the next few days. Just...looking for you. On the third day there, I thought I saw you. He looked so much like you. I almost called out to him...and I would have but...just as I was about to shout your name, he turned around and faced me. I swore it was you. He looked at me for a minute...almost like he recognized me, too...but then he turned away and kept walking. What?” Sam asked as he looked at Sy and saw the expression on his face.

“Wh-where did y-you go?” Sy’s voice was a mere whisper, his eyes wide, his face pale.

“Arizona. A town called Winslow. Why?”

Sy began shaking his head in denial, his eyes watering and spilling. “No. No, it couldn’t have been you.”

“What do you mean? Sy…where did he send you?”

“The camp was in Tucson. But...when I got into school, I was in Phoenix. Was he with anyone else when you saw him? A girl?”

Sam’s heart began picking up speed at the realization he’d been trying to deny. “Yes. They were holding hands. Sy...was that you?” 

Sy nodded. “I...knew it was you. I knew it...but I...I didn’t let myself believe that it could have possibly been you. I never expected to see you again...let alone in the same little town…”

Sam wiped his eyes and shook his head. “So close...we were so close…”

“What happened next?”

“I followed you for a couple blocks. Staying out of sight mostly. I wanted to see if it was you. But your mannerisms were all wrong. You didn’t really smile. You spoke quietly. You kept looking around like you needed to look over your shoulder. And I thought…that’s not him…” He paused for a moment, his lips pursing together. “I watched you walk away and I lost every bit of hope that I had managed to hold onto. The next day Logan found me and brought me home. Who was she? The girl you were with, I mean.”

Sy smiled a faint smile. “Sammy’s mother. Marley was her name. It was a few days after that trip she found out she was pregnant.” Sy looked at Sam’s face. It was drawn. Pale. Lost in the memories as they pulled at him like a current, sweeping him up in all that he felt, in all the pain that followed. “Sammy.” His voice was hardly a whisper, his palm coming to land gently against Sam’s cheek. Sam grasped Sy’s wrist, nuzzling into Sy’s hand, his eyes slipping closed. 

“When Logan brought me back home, I’d lost all hope. I was shattered. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to try anymore. I was completely consumed by your absence. And every day that passed, I felt like I could breathe less and less. And I couldn’t escape the pain. The pain of you leaving. I didn’t know what really happened, but I knew it wasn’t your choice. I didn’t blame you, but that didn’t stop the pain of you not being here. I didn’t know if you were okay. If you were dead or alive. I swear, I could still feel the pain you were in and it all became too much.” He sniffled and wiped his eyes. 

“That’s when I started doing heroin. I needed to feel something else. I needed to be able to breathe. And soon enough that wasn’t enough to keep it all at bay. And the pain started coming through the high. And that’s when I tried killing myself for the first time.”

Sy looked down, his eyes watering of their own accord at the images Logan put in his head when he told him about that suicide attempt. “Logan told me what happened,” he said as he looked back up. 

Sam nodded and sniffled again. “Once I was released from the hospital, they put me in the nut hut for a few weeks. I played their game. I got out. I started sleeping around then. Nameless faces in club bathrooms. Blow jobs against alley walls. Nothing ever more than a single night. Most of them I didn’t exchange names with. I just…wanted to lose myself in someone. I wanted to forget.”

After a moment Sy asked, “Forget what?”

“You. I wanted to forget how much I loved you. I wanted to forget how much I ached for you. To see you. To touch you. To hear your voice. I wanted to fill the void in me.” He grabbed his chest, squeezing the cotton material within his closed fist, his eyes squeezing closed. “But I couldn’t forget. Any of it. You were everywhere.” 

Sy wiped his eyes and took a deep breath before looking over to Sam. “I never could forget you, either.” 

“Sy, can I tell you something and you not get mad at me for it?” 

Sy frowned, but nodded. “You can tell me anything. I can’t promise how I’ll feel about it, Sammy, but I can promise to listen.”

Sam nodded. “That’s fair.” He didn’t say anything for several, long minutes, staring into the heavy blanket upon which they sat. “I’m scared, Sy. I’m so scared that I’m going to lose you again. I don’t necessarily think that you’re going to vanish on me like that again…it’s not that…I don’t know if I can really put an explanation down to it exactly…maybe it’s just a reaction to losing you before. I don’t know, exactly. But I dream about losing you. And I wake up in cold sweats and in tears.”

“What happens in the dream?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know exactly what’s happening. I think we’re at a hospital. And you’re angry at me. You tell me that whatever it is, is all my fault. That if I hadn’t come back into your life everything would be fine still. When you turn away from me, I try to come after you. I grab your arm to stop you walking away and you’re crying. You pull away from me…hard…and you say something to me, then you walk away. That’s when I wake up. I don’t know what it means. I just know that it scares me.”

“Hey,” Sy said as he turned Sam’s face gently around to meet his eye. “I’m not going anywhere, Sammy. I understand that you’re scared. Honestly, the whole thing scares the shit out of me, also.”

“What are you afraid of?” Sam asked him gently.

“They did so many things to me there, Sammy. They broke me in so many ways. They broke my spirit. They broke something in me that I’m not sure can ever be fixed. Sex…I don’t want to feel guilty after we make love, nor do I want to go on a twelve-hour flashback, either. What if I can’t overcome what they did to me? How long will you stay around if…” He paused. Sam did not speak, knowing that Sy had more to say, and needed to find his words.

“I know that you’ve told me that it doesn’t matter. And maybe mostly it doesn’t. Right now. But what about later? What if you decide that you can’t handle me like this? If you can’t handle the baggage I come with. The trauma and the fucked up parts of me that you don’t know yet…what if it all becomes too much for you to handle and you leave? Where would I be then?” He looked Sam in the eye and smiled the slightest bit. “I’m not mad that you’re scared, Sammy. I'm scared, too.”

“I love you, Sy. However long it takes. Whatever I have to do. Whatever you need at any given moment, I’ll give you what I can. And I can only hope that what I can give you is enough.”

“I love you, too, Sammy. And no matter what happens…remember that. Remember that I love you.”

Sam smiled at him with a gentle smile that was full of promise. “I’ve never forgotten that, Sy.” Sam leaned forward and softly kissed Sy’s lips before getting up and pulling his phone from his pocket. He pulled up YouTube and selected a song, which softly began to play. Setting the phone down Sam walked back over to Sy and extended his hand. “Dance with me.”