They loaded up the car with their overnight bags Saturday morning. Sy could feel Sam’s anxiety rolling off of him in waves, and his expression echoed how he felt. 

“Hey,” Sy said gently, bringing his hand to cup Sam’s cheek. “Just breathe, my love. It doesn’t matter what you tell me...or how many tears you may cry in the telling...I’m not going anywhere.”

Sam pressed his cheek into Sy’s hand, closing his eyes as he did so, attempting to calm his racing heart and bring his respiration back down to normal. He was more scared than he’d been in years, and he was still standing in Sy’s driveway. They’d already said their goodbyes with hugs accompanied by kisses to and from Sammy, and Shelly had taken him back inside for breakfast. They were alone and getting ready to head to a Sleep Inn that wasn’t far from Sy’s house. They didn’t need much for the telling of these tales...just the two of them and a room with privacy. 

“I just…” Sam looked at Sy begging for understanding. He found it.

“I know,” he said gently. “I know how you feel.” He placed his other hand against Sam’s chest, feeling the furious pace of his pulse. “I’m not gonna run away with whatever you have to say. I’ve been waiting just as long as you have, Sammy. I’m not inclined to let you go because of what happened back then.”

“I know.” Sam drew him into a tight hug and he held on for several, long moments before finally pulling back and getting into the car. He was quiet as they drove, the radio playing softly in the background. He closed his eyes as Sy’s singing voice washed over him. He remembered how he always loved his voice. How often he would request him to sing to him in their most private moments. He remembered as the calm came over him, how much Sy’s voice relaxed him. Eased his anxieties and helped him to regain his mental balance.  

Sy glanced over to his right, taking in Sam as they sat at a red light. He smiled slightly as he continued to sing, watching Sammy begin to relax within the moment. As he drove, he remembered things he had always tried his hardest not to think about, but never could forget.

 They sat against the wall, hidden from view by the bed to their left. “Why do you care so much about what they say? They’re not worth all this energy you’re putting toward them.” Sy said gently, his arm around Sam, comforting. 

“Because! Why should they get away with saying shit like that to you? I don’t give a fuck who they are or what they’re worth. They’re not gonna get away with treating you like that, Sy. Especially in front of me. I won’t stand for it.” Sam was very obviously angry, checking his swollen lip every now and then for blood. 

Sy smiled and kissed Sam’s lips, softly, so as to not hurt him. “That’s one of the many reasons I love you.”

Sam smiled back, running his fingers down Sy’s cheek. “I love you. And that’s why I care so much about what they say. I know you pretend it doesn’t bother you, but I know better. I see the hurt they cause. I hate it. And I will always defend you.”

Sy smiled and shyly looked down as he whispered, “I know.”

Sy’s smile widened as he took off from the red light. It was a small moment, but one that had always remained an important memory. More than the fight Sam had fought in Sy’s honor, that moment sitting on the floor in his bedroom meant the world to him. 

“Sammy. We’re here.”

Sam opened his eyes and looked at the building with mounting dread. As if he were being led to his execution and he was at the door to the chamber. With a heavy sigh, Sam exited the car and Sy followed suit. Watching him closely as they got their key from the front desk and proceeded to their room, Sy wondered exactly what made Sam so scared to tell him. It couldn’t have just been the fact that he was in a vulnerable situation, could it? Sam looked pale with a thin sheen of sweat covering his face. 

Sy opened the door and proceeded Sam into what would be their room for the next two days and nights. Sam looked around before kicking off his shoes and sliding onto the bed. Sy made his way into the adjoining bath to give Sam a moment to gather himself. When he came out a few minutes later, Sam was seated centered on the bed, his large, calloused hands covering his face. 

He watched him for a moment trying to control his breathing before Sy went over and sat down next to him. Sam leaned into him as Sy put his arm around his back, drawing both arms around Sy’s abdomen and holding on as if for dear life. 

“Sammy, my love…” Sy said gently kissing his hairline. “We don’t need to start in on the hard stuff right away, you know.” Sammy nodded but didn’t further reply. Sy held him tighter before sliding back and down, bringing Sam with him until they were both lying on the bed, Sam’s head atop Sy’s chest.

Sy didn’t say anything further and wondered if Sam was just going to dive right into the deep end. Something that Sam had always been prone to doing. Even before he could swim. He needn’t wait long to discover his answer. 

Sam sat up and hastily wiped his eyes. He avoided eye contact with Sy as he gathered himself and taking a deep breath he said on the exhale, “No. I need to get this over with. If I wait...I’m gonna talk myself out of it. And…” he closed his eyes, “I just need to get through it.” He brought his eyes upward to meet Sy’s expression. There was worry there. Fear. Though not for what he was going to say, but for the pain that Sam knew was clearly written all over his face. There was no pity, though. 

If Sam was honest with himself, he knew that that was one thing he feared the most from Sy. And when he saw none, he breathed a sigh of relief. 

“That night,” he began slowly, his eyes pointed firmly downward at his folded hands, “after you left...I just screamed my voice raw. I didn’t know that kind of pain existed...and God, Sy...I never stopped feeling it. I didn’t understand. You...didn’t explain anything...not really. It just left more questions than answers...and the part of not knowing was just as bad in a way.” He paused briefly and took a deep breath.

“As time went on, I felt the pain they were causing you. Everyone thought I was crazy. They all gave up on me. Except Carrie and Logan. No one knew what to do so they just...ignored the problem. Acted like I was still the person I used to be. Acted like nothing happened at all.” Sam shrugged lightly. “But things had changed. I had changed. I felt dead inside. Dead and yet...I felt so much pain. Yours. Mine. I knew that I had to do something to find you.”

He paused for a moment and when he didn’t speak again, Sy said, “Logan mentioned that you tried to find me.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. I did. I thought that maybe I could. That maybe...maybe I would just know if you were close. The third time I tried, I thought that I had actually found you. But…” Sam shrugged. “I took off in the middle of the night on the second anniversary after you were gone…”