"I don't know if he will or not. It isn't something that he brings up. You...at first it was crushing devastation...after you left...then he was angry. Then he was obsessed with finding you. After that...when he couldn't find you, he..." He paused trying to find the correct way to form his words.

"I what, Logan?" Logan's head snapped up to the direction of Sam's voice. The voice so much like his own. Sy's head whipped toward Sam as well, his eyes wide. "Go ahead. Tell him." Sam's eyes shifted back and forth between them, his hair still sleep messed and sticking up.

"You were defeated. You gave up. On everything. On me. On him. On life itself. Nothing mattered anymore." Logan didn't look from Sam's stare as he spoke. It was as if Sy didn't exist there at that moment. "You overdosed. On purpose, might I add. Twice. You slit your wrists. You just...gave up."

Sam nodded slowly. His face one of past pain and passive anger.  "I didn't want to live anymore, Logan. I haven't for a long fucking time."

Sy's chest felt perforated by his words. The air left his lungs in a rush like he had been sucker-punched. He didn't say anything as his eyes ping-ponged between them both. 

"I know," Logan said quietly. "But what else was I supposed to do, Sammy? What else am I supposed to do? You made me promise not to let you kill yourself. And now you resent me for keeping you alive." Logan looked down before looking at his brother. "Yet, if I hadn't kept my promise, you never would have known what happened to, let alone found Sy. Keep that in mind, would you, while you hate me." He spoke softly and Sy heard the ache in his voice, saw the pain in his expression. 

Sam closed his eyes a moment, taking deep, calming breaths. "I don't hate you."

Logan laughed and that sound was full of that same pain. "Yes, you do." There was no accusation in his tone as he said this. He spoke in resigned fact. "But I don't blame you. I've never held it against you. You needed someone to blame after Sy left. You needed someone who you could focus your pain on. And who else was there but me?"

"Logan..." Sam's voice was a ragged whisper. It was as if Sam was understanding something from over the last decade that he'd never before considered. And suddenly and with great clarity he knew exactly what Logan meant. And the truth behind his words. Logan met eyes that were his own. A face that reflected his.

"I couldn't let you die, Sammy. Even if you hated me for it. At least you would be alive to hate me. And that...that was enough...that and the moments when the Sam I always knew would shine through. Little glimpses. It was enough. Call me selfish, Sammy, but I need you. And I couldn't just watch you destroy yourself." Logan sniffed once and looked away from his brother, shaking his head slightly. He stood suddenly and grabbed his keys, leaving without another word.

Sam watched the door Logan vanished through as if he were expecting him to reappear at any moment before his eyes slowly shifted over to Sy. "Why?"

Sy frowned at the one-word question. "I don't understand."

"Why were you talking about all that?" His voice was hard as stone, his eyes colder than Sy had ever seen.

Sy's expression remained soft even as he stared at Sam, momentarily not speaking before standing up and coming to stand nose to nose with him. 

"Because I wanted to know about what happened while I was gone. Because I hate that even inadvertently I put the pain there that I see in your eyes. And I thought that if maybe I knew...I could help take it away again. But I knew asking you to talk about it would cause you that much more pain...so I asked Logan." Sy reached up on his tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss to Sam's lips.

 "I wanted to have some insight before I brought it up to you." Sy lightly dragged his fingertips down Sam's cheek. "I love you, Sammy." He saw Sam's eyes glistening as he tried to hold back every emotional response he was trying to deny himself.

"I love you, too." Sam's hand reached out, clasping hold of Sy's hand, and leaned into him, his head resting heavily on Sy's shoulder. Sy felt the tension in Sam's body, how rigid his muscles were as he held on to him. He sighed and straightened, looking toward the front door.

"Are you angry with me?" Sy asked gently, his eyes meeting Sam's.

"No. I understand why you asked him." Sam closed his eyes for a moment, gaining his courage to speak this promise. He sighed as he opened his eyes. "I'll tell you. I'll tell you about what happened after you left. But not now. I need to fix things with Logan. Something I should have done a long time ago."

Logan sneaked back into the house as quietly as he could and wished that Carrie was home. She would know exactly what to say to set his mind at ease. Especially when it came to his stubborn ass brother.

The lights in the house were off and all was quiet, as if the house were in a deep state of slumber with the rest of the world. Stumbling through the dark he made it to his bedroom door. When he walked through it, he came up short. He frowned at the body in his bed, fully clothed and sleeping on top of the covers.

He wondered how long Sam had been waiting here for him to have fallen asleep on his bed. He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. He'd always kept his feelings, mostly, from Sam, knowing he had so much else going on inside his head that Logan didn't know if he could handle more. But he'd seen something today while telling Sam what he had. He saw recognition and guilt and sorrow.

Slowly, Logan sank down onto the bed and looked at his sleeping twin, and remembered.

Logan walked into his parents' house, a strange feeling having brought him here. He knew his mom and dad weren't home, having gone out to dinner and a movie, and made his way up the stairs.

He stopped outside his brother's door and listened. "Sam?" He knocked on the door.

"Leave me alone, Logan." The voice on the other side of the door was almost unrecognizable as his twin's.

"You know I'm not gonna do that," he said as he walked in. "Christ, Sammy, what are you doing?" Logan said, stopping short. He took in Sam's reddened face, the tear stains upon his cheeks, the tears remaining in his eyes. He noticed how pale and sunken in his brother's face was. And finally his eyes traveled downward along his left, stretched-out arm where there was a needle sticking out. Logan stared at the empty syringe, his heart pounding.

Sam smiled as tears fell from his eyes before they rolled backward and he collapsed onto his bed.

"Sammy!" Logan screamed, taking the few steps it took to reach his side. He checked for his pulse and breathing, swallowing the panic he felt at the realization he wasn't breathing, and his pulse was getting weaker. Quick on his feet, he dialed 911 and set the phone down, turning on the speaker phone. He pulled his brother down to the floor as the operator picked up.

"911, what is the address of your emergency?" the operator said into the phone.

"73 Sunshade Street. My brother is overdosing. His pulse is weak and he's not breathing. There's foam coming out of his mouth." Logan was clearing Sam's airway with his finger.

"Do you have any idea as to what he might be overdosing on? And are you able to administer CPR?"

Logan made a mournful sound as a cry escaped him, but he pulled himself together so he could answer the operator. "Heroin. Yes. I'm going to start breathing for him."

"Very good. You're doing just fine. The ambulance is on the way, okay?" Logan didn't answer. He simply kept giving his brother rescue breaths, keeping track of how many cycles he'd made before the EMTs pulled him off.

"Logan?" Logan snapped out of his thoughts at the calling of his name. His focus went to Sam, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before Logan looked away. Sam sat up, his eyes never leaving his brother's face. "Logan." Sam set his hand along Logan's arm, trying to get him to look at him. When he didn't look at him, Sam dropped his head softly onto Logan's shoulder, his hands coming up to grip his bicep with both hands.

Logan sat still, stiff. It was as if he relaxed he would unravel. Perhaps he would. Logan could hear Sam's harsh breathing, feel him shaking from the emotion pouring through him, and feel every ounce of his twin's pain. 

"I'm sorry." Sam's hands tightened on Logan's arm. "God, I'm sorry." A small sob worked its way out of his throat. "I'm sorry, Logan. I've been so terrible to you. I've been a horrible brother." Sam's lamenting gained in power at these last words, his grip tightening that much more, suddenly afraid that Logan would finally give him what he deserved.

"You've not been a horrible brother. Not when it really counts. You're my best friend, Sammy. You're the other half of me. And I need you. And I'm sorry if you've...held that against me...but I would do it again every time the same way." Logan finally met his brother's eyes. They both had tears on their cheeks as they looked at one another.

Sam pulled Logan tightly against him. "I never hated you, Logan. I never hated you. I was angry. And lost. And I took it out on you. And I shouldn't have. And I'm so sorry. But I never hated you. I love you, Logan. Thank you. For everything. For keeping me alive. For loving me even though I was a complete ass and didn't deserve it."

Logan had his arms wrapped tightly around Sam. "I couldn't just let you die, Sammy." Logan sat back then. "I love you, too. I'll always love you, Sammy. No matter how much of an ass you might be."

Sam smiled against Logan's shoulder, leaning against him once more. "Thank you for not giving up on me."

"We're twins. If we can't rely on each other, who can we rely on?" Logan said in an emotionally choppy voice.

"How can you forgive me for the last twelve years, Logan? How can I ask you to?" He spoke in barely a whisper and Logan tightened his grip slightly.

"Sammy, there's nothing to forgive ya big oaf. I just want my brother back. I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too. I'm sorry. I haven't handled things all that well, have I?"

Logan sighed lightly. "You did the best you could given the circumstances. We all did. Let's not beat ourselves up over it anymore, okay?"

Sam sat up then and looked at his brother's drawn face. With a groan he asked, "What are you beating yourself up over?"

Logan looked at him a moment before shaking his head. "Don't worry about it, Sam."

"Logan..." When Logan brought his head up, Sam said, "Please."

Logan sighed heavily and ran a hand over his face. "Why do you want to rehash this, Sam?"

"Because there's so much I've kept from you. There's so much I've always wanted to tell you and I never could. There's so much I've kept locked away. I kept it locked away because I was afraid of what would happen if I finally crumbled completely. And I hate it. I want my brother back."

"Sammy, you never lost me," Logan whispered, his throat clogged with emotion. "I've just been waiting for you to see me again. To come to me again. Let me help you. But you're so fucking stubborn." Logan smiled when Sam laughed, breaking some of the tension. "What made you want to talk about all this now?"

"What you said to Sy this afternoon. And what you said to me." He paused as he looked at Logan before, "Did...did you really think I hated you?"

Logan glanced down and shrugged slightly. "Sometimes I didn't know what to think, Sammy. Sometimes...yeah, I did." Logan rubbed his eyes. He did not want to talk about this. But as he noticed his twin's heartbroken expression from the answer he just received, he knew they were talking about it at least a little.

"I know I was horrible to you, but...was there something specific I did?"

"Sam..." He paused trying to keep himself in check. "It wasn't just any one thing. It was..."

"What?" he pressed after a pregnant pause.

"Why are you trying to punish yourself now? It's over, man."

Sam shot from the bed to his feet, his arms spreading wide in gesticulation. "Because it isn't over, Logan. And you know it! If it were over, you wouldn't look at me like you do." Sam leaned against Logan's dresser, his back to his brother.

"And how is that?" Logan sounded defeated as he spoke this query and Sam matched his tone equally.

"Like it's the last time you're ever going to see me alive."

Logan's eyes pooled at Sam's words and he exhaled a shaky breath. "What do you want me to say, Sam? You tried to kill yourself three times and all three times I found you. Have I thought it might happen again? I didn't know. But I missed the signs, Sammy, and I didn't want to again. I didn't want you to leave me. I don't want you to die." Logan's voice was soft, yet full of emotion, his voice breaking from the strain of his words.

"You want me to say I still have dreams about finding you dead and it scares the fuck out of me? That I fucking breakdown when I do? What exactly are you looking for?" He paused for a second. "I thought you hated me not because you told me. It was the little things that...culminated with the big things...like you telling me you hated me...you...were cold. After your first attempt...I was with you in that room and you woke up for a minute. I was holding your hand and...you woke up and told me not to let you kill yourself. Not to let you succeed." He wiped his eyes. "I promised you. And after the second, Sammy, and then the third…I felt like I failed you.

"And I thought maybe you did, too. You were so angry. With me. With the world. When you moved in here, I didn't want to crowd you too much. You didn't really seem like you wanted much of anything to do with me anymore. But you came and so I wasn't going to question it.

"I just...decided to do what I could from the shadows. Watch out for you where I could. Be there if you wanted me to be. But...I didn't want to miss those signs again should they occur. I've never broken a promise to you and I didn't want that one to be the one I broke. I didn't know what else to do. And sometimes I thought you, if nothing else, resented me for it."

Sam looked at Logan for several, drawn out moments as he processed this information. "I don't remember that time in the hospital."

Logan smiled sadly. "I know."

“Logan?”

Logan looked at his brother and wondered if that look on his face would ever vanish. Or if the black mark left on his soul from Sy’s abrupt departure so long ago would always remain. “Yeah, Sam?”

“How am I supposed to tell him the things I’ve done? How do I tell him without him thinking the worst of me?” His voice was thick and his words cracked. Logan knew he was trying to keep himself in control. 

Shrugging he said, “You’ve just...got to tell him. If that’s what you’re going to do, I mean. He’s rather worried about you. But honestly, man, I don’t think he’s gonna think badly of you for anything you’ve done. Not anymore than you think badly of him for the things he’s done.”

Sam scoffed. “He’s different. His situation is different.”

“No, it isn’t. Your situation, your past, is the flip side of the same coin, Sammy. He’s not gonna think badly of you. He loves you. You can see it when he looks at you, man. He’s worried and he wants to know so that he can help you just like you’ve been helping him.” Sam nodded, not speaking. “Are you afraid of getting upset around him? Showing him the emotions that come attached with telling him everything you’ve never told anyone else?”

Sam looked at him, the tears in his eyes refreshed but not fallen. “Yes.”

“To what end? You’ve got to be able to open up to him eventually.” He paused letting Sam take in that information. “Talk to him. But don’t rush yourself. Start with a not so...terrible story...work your way up to the harder stuff. But he’s not going to begrudge you for being vulnerable.”

“I’m scared, Logan.”

“I know you are. But I have a feeling he is, too. And maybe...I mean…” Logan shrugged trying to form his words correctly. “Maybe it’s something you both need to begin to heal from all this. To be vulnerable with each other. To talk and cry and hug and do whatever else you need to do to help.” Logan stood up and approached his brother, who still stood at the dresser.  

“And no matter what happens, Sammy, I’m here for you.”

Sam nodded and embraced his brother once more. “I love you, Logan. I’m sorry.”

Logan sniffled and tightened his grip around Sam. “I love you, too. Don’t be, okay? I understand to a point. Just…” Logan pulled back slightly to look at his twin. “Just don’t shut me out, okay? Please? Let me be there for you. I want to be there for you. Okay?”

Sammy nodded, his eyes watering at his brother’s words. “Okay.”