He lay there on the grass, the outside sounds, the summer winds, the feel of the grass against his skin, and the sun on his face made him smile as his eyes closed. The smile wasn't splitting, but more of a play of his lips. He didn't smile much anymore. He heard Logan and Carrie playing nearby, their laughter penetrating his closed-off heart. He frowned and sighed. Fuck it. He didn't need anyone. A good lay was all he needed. Emotions, hell sometimes names weren't even involved, and that suited him just fine. He always did the leaving when he was done, ensuring never to be left again. The sound of their happiness was beginning to grate on his nerves and silently he rose to his feet and walked the other way.

"Sam," Logan yelled from behind him. He sighed and closed his eyes. "Sam, wait up." Sam stopped and waited as his brother caught up to him. "Where are you running off to?" Logan looked at him with worry on his face. It was a look that hadn't been a stranger for a long time.

"Just for a walk, Logan." His voice was low but he made eye contact. "I'm okay, I promise. I just...I'm restless. I need to move."

He sighed but nodded. "Okay."

Guilt crept up on him. Everyone had given up on him. Family. Teachers. Their parents. They always included him and did their best to show they loved him, but they had all given up hope of him finding happiness. Of just being generally happy instead of this destitute shell he had morphed into over the years. He kept everyone in the dark, including his twin; though admittedly, he let Logan further behind his barriers than anyone else. 

"I...I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm sorry."

Logan half grinned at him. "No worries, brother. I just wanted to make sure you weren't upset. Enjoy your walk."

Sam nodded with a pained grin. He didn't need to mention that upset was a constant state of affairs within him. Logan was well aware of his constant state.

Sam lost himself in his head, wandering the park with the sun at his back. He was transported back in time, the grass and scenery drifting away, fading into a moment he relived all too often. He stopped moving, leaning his body against a tree, and tried to breathe through the rush of emotions from the memory. He was torn from his thoughts when a sound brought him back to reality, the memory fading with a bitter aftertaste. He looked around. There. There was a small boy no older than five or six standing about ten feet west of his own position. He was alone, clearly terrified if the look on his face was anything to go by, and looked utterly helpless.

"Hey there, little man. Are you lost?" Sam asked once he had approached him. He knelt down to be at the boy's level.

He nodded. "I accidentally wandered away from the swings and now I can't find my daddy." His lower lip protruded pathetically forward, his little brow furrowed as tears trickled down his face. "And I'm scared I won't find him again."

"Alright, big guy, it's alright. I'll help you find your daddy, okay. At least that way you won't be walking around alone." He patted the boy's chest lightly. "What's your name?"

"S-sammy," came the sniffling reply.

"Hey, what do you know? That's my name, too." Sam smiled at him. The boy giggled. "Which way did you come from, Sammy?"

Sammy looked around him, a concentrated frown appearing as he took in his surroundings. "I'm not sure. I went all ways."

"Okay. Which way do you think you came from right now to lead you right here?"

Sammy bit his lip and looked around. "I think that way," he said pointing, his body half turned to face the other day.

"Okay. Well, let's go that way and see where that takes us." Sam stood and took Sammy's hand. They began walking, Sammy looking intently for his father. "What's your daddy wearing? That way I can help look, too."

"A blue shirt and jeans."

"What shade of blue? Dark or light?"

"Cerulean blue," Sammy answered instantly.

"That's...very specific." Sam grinned down at the boy.

He giggled. "It's his favorite color of blue. It has a mouse on the front of it."

"A mouse?" Sam grinned as his heart began to speed up.

"Uh-huh. A cartoon one in a cape."

He almost smiled past his frown. He'd given a shirt like that to Sy for his birthday the year they had been separated. He distracted his thoughts by continuing to engage the boy in the conversation, ultimately keeping him calm. Their conversation was halted however by the frantic shout of their name. 

"Sammy!"

"Daddy!" Sammy let go of Sam's hand and raced toward his father. Even from the slight distance, Sam could clearly see who the man was. His heart stuttered in his chest and his lungs seized. For a moment his feet were rooted to the grass as if the earth beneath his feet had rooted him to the spot as he watched the love of his life check over his son.

His son...Sam thought about what that could mean. "...When I looked up I didn't know where I was and I got really scared and I started crying for you, but you didn't answer me." Sam heard the child say and took a hesitant step forward. Would he remember? Would he recognize him?

"That's where I come in," he said with a voice he forced to be steady. He attempted keeping his face unreadable. He'd gotten so good at that. But this sudden and unexpected reunion threw him on his ass so hard his peripheral began to white out. "I found him and offered to help find you with him."

Sy looked up at him, his face paling as recognition swept over him. "Sammy?" He stood, his eyes bright with so many emotions it was almost Sam's undoing. He stared at him, motionless, his jaw agape as shock swam around his brain. "Is it really you?" His voice shook with emotion, and Sam had to swallow to keep composure.

"Yeah. It's really me. Hey, Sy. It's been a long time." Sam kept his voice calm but left the torture in his eyes.

Suddenly Sy inhaled sharply. "Shit." He pulled out his phone and looked at Sam. "Hold on. Please." Sam nodded watching Sy. He looked at his son fondly who was hugging his leg as he put the phone to his ear, his free hand atop the boy’s head. "Shelly. I got him. No, he's fine." He hung up the phone a moment later, their eyes meeting once again. Sy took another step closer to him, stopping just shy of being able to touch him. Sam's whole body trembled. There was so much that needed to be spoken, but neither of them could do more than stare into the other's face.

"Shelly!" Sammy ran toward the approaching female. She was beautiful, Sam noted with growing sadness. The woman picked up the boy as relief flooded her features at him being safe.

She approached them, her eyes on Sy. "I'm going to take him to the car. He said he wants to go home. Meet you there?" He nodded and she walked away, sparing a glance at Sam before she turned.

"How have you been?" Sam tried again taking half a step closer. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but refrained, ignoring the ache in his hands.

"Fine," Sy answered a bit too quickly. It was the kind of fine that resonated anything but fine, but he couldn't delve into it given they were standing in the middle of the park. "What about you?"

Sam could no longer ignore the need to touch him and lifted his hand, brushing it lightly down Sy's cheek. He had prepared to rattle off some bullshit answer, some meaningless and protective facade that was beyond any truth inside of him. But instead, pure honesty poured from him in a ragged whisper. 

"I've never been the same." He dropped his hand and stepped back, feeling like if he kept contact he would shatter. "I'm glad Sammy is okay." He turned, his heart breaking all over again. But he stopped before he turned completely by the sound of a single word. A plea.

"Wait." The word was choked out and gut-wrenching. "Please. Wait." Sam turned around and faced him without a word. He couldn't possibly speak now and still hold himself together. "Look...I, uh...I don't know how much it means to you after twelve years, but...I'm sorry, Sammy. Everything was beyond my control. My father..." He paused. Sam noticed a flicker of Sy's pain as he said those two words. "You have no idea what all he forced me to do after he found out." He swallowed visibly hard as if trying to dispel things he'd rather not remember before dragging his eyes up to Sam's.

Sam closed the distance between them slowly, his eyes softer than they had been, and studied him carefully. As if he were looking for something deep within. Sy didn't break eye contact, his chest tight as he looked into the hazel eyes facing him. Sam noticed Sy's breath catch when he took his hand, interlocking their fingers like he used to do so often. So effortlessly. 

"I'm sorry, Sy." And he was. Sorry because he had no way to protect him. Sorry because he couldn't take away the drops of pain he saw reflected in his eyes. Sam touched his cheek again. At the contact Sy inhaled deeply, Sam's breath becoming too thick to inhale, swallowed, and held his breath. "Can we meet again?"

Sy searched Sam's eyes and he let him, although he wasn't sure if even Sy could see past the walls he'd built so solidly. So much had changed in twelve years. Sam thought of the little boy who looked so much like his father. 

"Please."

Sam heard the laden emotions in his voice and his reaction was plain on his face. He felt his chest tighten as he questioned, "What about...uh...?" He pointed toward where Sammy and the woman, Shelly, had walked.

Sy shook his head, a look of pain flashing across his face. "Uh, no. She's...Sammy's aunt. She helps me with him and we're great friends, but..." He shrugged.

Sam nodded and pulled a sharpie from his pocket. Sy smiled and Sam caught it from the corner of his eyes. He was just as beautiful as he always had been. Possibly more now that adulthood has taken over adolescence. Taking his hand Sam scribbled down his phone number. "Text me or something. It'd be good to catch up."

"Okay," Sy said, his face becoming crestfallen at the dismissal. "I really missed you."

Sam almost smiled. Almost. But as his heart began to crumble, the muscles that worked his lips felt numb. "We'll talk soon." 

Sam looked at him a moment more before turning around and forcing himself to walk. Keep walking. Keep fucking walking before he turned and threw himself into the arms of a lover who, for whatever reasons he was not privy to, exited his life as if he was never a part of it.

He looked back once to find Sy still watching him, his arms wrapped around himself as if he were stranded on a cold, alien world completely by himself. They stared at each other a moment before Sy, his face imperceptible at such a distance, turned away himself. Sam watched him until he was out of view. He walked over to the nearest tree and fell against it, sliding down the roughened bark until he was sitting completely and called Logan once he was able to get his mind working again. He couldn't be here anymore.

"Hey. Um... I need you to take me home." Sam closed his eyes as Logan began to question. "Please, Logan. I'll tell you once we get home. I can't get into it here. Please, just take me home." He released a shaky breath that wasn't hidden from his twin. Sam looked around at Logan's query as to his whereabouts. "I'm close to the southwest parking lot. I'll meet you there."

Sam didn't say anything on the way home. Not about seeing Sy. Not about the worried glances Logan kept sending him in the rearview mirror. He said nothing about the chaos wracking his brain and torturing his soul. He never wanted to admit how much that night, that singular moment in time, changed his whole life up until now. Logan and Carrie were the only ones who really knew. Everyone else could see definite changes in his behaviors, in his moods; which were constantly sour. But only those two knew just how badly the whole affair broke him. Would he actually get a hold of him? He could only hope. He could only hope to finally get some closure, an explanation. Something other than this black void that's been living within him for over a decade.

"Okay, what's going on Sam?" Logan demanded so gently when they were all seated in the living room that Sam almost began sobbing on the spot. It had been a long time since he had cried over this. Over anything.

Logan sat to his left, Carrie to his right. She had her arm around him and he leaned slightly into her. He looked to his brother, his eyes bearing his soul to his twin. 

"I saw him." It was all he could manage before his throat closed, effectively cutting off any passage of words or air for that matter. He looked away, his eyes sliding closed.

"Who, Sammy?" Sam smiled. After Sy left him that night he couldn't bear to be called Sammy anymore. Carrie, being Carrie, resoundingly refused. You've been Sammy my whole life. It isn't changing now. He found he didn't begrudge her for it.

"Sy," he managed. "I saw Sy."

"Whoa, wait a minute. Back up. Sy?" Logan took a deep breath to cover his anger. They too had been close friends and Logan never forgave his leaving like that. He also had always been hurt that he didn't get a goodbye. But more so what his leaving had done to his twin as Logan was the one to try and pick up the pieces. "What happened, Sam?"

"I was walking and I found this little boy. He said he accidentally wandered off and lost his father. So I was helping him look. And low and fucking behold..."

"Sy has a kid?" Carrie asked in disbelief. "Wow."

"Yeah," Sam said lowly. "The best part... the kid's name is Sammy."

"Wow," Carrie said again, more surprise evident in her tone this time.

"So what happened next?" Logan pressed, his look intent on his brother's face. Logan did his best to keep his voice even, but Sam heard the tension behind his words.

"We talked for a minute. I gave him my number so we can talk more. And...I'm going to see him again." He looked at his hands as he declared this.

"Are you sure that is a good idea?" Carried asked, rubbing his back. He knew she would support him regardless. He knew they both would. Even if they disagree with his reasoning.

"Even if nothing progresses further than an explanation of why...then yes. One way or another I need to move on from that night. I've been trapped there for so long. I need to get out of that room," he said this with a tremor riding his words.

"You know I love you, bro, and I'll stand behind whatever you decide to do, but please, Sam, be careful." Logan squeezed his upper arm and Sam nodded.

"Thank you. For everything. I love you both." He took a deep breath. "I'm gonna go to my room for a bit. I need to think." He stood and went directly to his room. 

They shared a two-bedroom house on the outskirts of town. They didn't need anything bigger and they were content. Flopping down upon his queen-size mattress, Sam's mind began to spin in every direction at once. He had the brief thought that his mind was swept up in a whirlwind and he was unable to touch ground without first being hurled from the vortex and smashing unceremoniously onto the broken rubble left in its wake.

 He named his kid after me? That was the same shirt I gave him. I can tell it's the same one. He had so much pain in his face. What have I missed all these years? Has he hurt all this time as I have? Is he straight now?

These thoughts spun him around until he was sick to his stomach. Abruptly his sole focus zeroed in on his phone chiming. He looked at his wristwatch. 8:30. He'd been in here like this for hours. He opened the text with heavy fingers, his heart beating wildly against his chest.

Sy: Hey. It's Sy.

So simple. But there was so much that went through Sam at those three words that he had to take a moment to catch his breath.

Sam: Hey. This is...a shock to the system to say the least.

He hit send. His hands were shaking, the evidence clearly noticeable by the shaking of his phone screen.

Sy: There was enough shock to go around. Sammy...please don't hate me. If you let me...I'll give you an explanation. One I wasn't allowed to give you back then. I don't know...I mean...you've moved on from me, I'm sure, after twelve years...but...shit...I'm sorry. I'm fucking all this up. I'm gonna make you run away screaming with this kind of talk. Lol

Sam read the text again and again. He felt the emotion and heartache and then the nervous backpedal.

Sam: I never forgot you. I've thought about you every day for the last twelve years. Like I promised. I would like an explanation...but not over text. Maybe we can meet up? Talk. Catch up. We don't necessarily have to get into the hard stuff right away...maybe we can get to know each other again?

Sy: I would like that. When would you want to meet? And where?

Sam thought about the answer before sending his reply. He needed a safe space that wasn't home. Somewhere neutral.

Sam: What about the park again? It's usually pretty much deserted after eight. What about Friday night?

Three days would give him some time to prepare himself mentally for this meeting. The last thing he needed to do was fall apart the very moment they laid eyes on each other again.

Sy: What part of the park? Where we met today?

Sam: Yeah, that's a good spot.

Sy: I'll see you then. Sammy?

Sam: Yeah?

Sy: Would you mind if I texted between then and now? I'll understand if not...but...I mean I won't blow up your phone or anything. Lol

Sam looked at the formatting of the sentence. Of a lot of his wordings. He seemed so unsure of himself. Like a beaten-down dog. So very much opposite of the boy he grew up with. His heart ached with the unknown causes that reversed his confidence so drastically. The unknown causes for all the suffering he'd earlier seen within those green-blue orbs. He wanted to tell him no, to give him those few days, but he knew he wouldn't do that. He knew he really didn't want that.

Sam: I wouldn't mind at all. Even if you did blow up my phone. Sy…

He hit send leaving the sentence unfinished. His chest exploded, bursts of pain tearing through him that this was actually happening. All the old wounds that hadn't actually healed were ripping all the way back open, to bleed once more and pool at his feet.

Sy: Yeah?

Sam: I missed you, too.

By the time Friday came, Sam was a wreck of nerves from the moment he woke up. Carrie was overdoing it with the mother hen act, but he hadn't the nerve to mention it. She was worried. Logan was worried, but he showed it in different ways. He loved them both. He didn't put up any argument when Logan and Carrie said they wanted him to move in with them once they got this house. He was certain being at his parents' house was killing him little by little. Being in that bedroom, where, as it turned out, he couldn't escape from even if he wasn't within its walls, killed his spirit. He did note, though, that not having the constant reminder right in front of him was helpful.

He puttered around the house, doing a bit of work, but found his mind kept wandering and couldn't concentrate. He decided since he was ahead of schedule on the project, it could wait. At six-thirty he jumped in the shower, letting the hot water pour over him, soothing his tense muscles. 

He arrived at the designated spot in the park early, unable any longer to just sit and wait at home. At seven-thirty the park was deserted save a couple here and there. He was lost in thought when he caught movement from the corner of his eye. He looked and his breath caught. There he was. He wore a blue button-down shirt and jeans that hugged him perfectly. Sam stood as he approached. They stood there for a moment, neither speaking before Sy broke the silence. 

"Hi," he said with a small smile.

Sam laughed, giddiness spreading through him. "Hi." He gestured to the blanket he had spread out. "Wanna sit?"

"Would it be too much to ask for a hug first?" Sy looked so sure he would tell him no and sit down when Sam paused. But he nodded and wrapped his arms around him. He didn't know which one of them was shaking. Maybe they both were. "I've missed you so much."

It was a whisper, but there was so much behind those words. "I've missed you, too." They separated and sat down facing each other. "How have you been all this time?" Sam asked after a bout of thick silence.

Sy looked down, his fingers twitching to reach for Sam's hand. He gave it to him. "Lost," Sy said so quietly that Sam almost missed it. "If you want the truth of it."

Sam didn't know what to say, but after a deep breath said, "Me, too." He didn't know what to expect coming here. He had planned on being as distant as he could without being off-putting. A protective measure he'd adopted that worked well for him. But he found now that all his walls were turning to dust without his prompting or permission.

"Sammy is the only thing that's kept me going. He's really the only light in my life," he continued.

"Sammy. You named your son after me?"

Sy nodded. "Yeah. His mother and I...were just friends. She was Shelly's sister. We got really drunk one night and she asked if I'd ever done anything with a woman. I said no and we...experimented?...I guess...Anyway...she got pregnant, despite the condom and her being on birth control. Nine months later the baby came and she died. Complications. The baby almost didn't make it either, but they were able to save him without any brain damage. She didn't even get to see him." He cleared his throat. "When they asked for a name to put on the birth certificate...I said Sammy. You've never been far from the forefront of my mind." He squeezed his hand and watched in amazement. As if he thought it was a dream.

Sam voiced those thoughts. "This isn't a dream, is it? I'm not going to wake up and discover that this wasn't real, am I? Because...I've waited for this moment for so long...never thinking it would come...and...I...don't want to wake up and realize I've lost you all over again." God, he hadn't meant to say all that. Fuck. He didn't want to show such vulnerability right away, but there was nothing to help it.

"I really hope not. I don't think I could handle it, either." He took a breath. "Thank you for keeping my son safe the other day. I never really got a chance to thank you. Anyone could have found him and done anything to him." Sy squeezed his hand a fraction harder showing not only his gratitude but his fear at something happening to his only child.

"That's why I stayed with him. I didn't want anyone to try and hurt him. But as fucked up as it is...his getting lost...led me to you. Something told me to take a walk...I think it was fated." He smiled some to ease the tension. Sy smiled back.

"I..." Sy paused. "I want to tell you so much...but I don't know where to begin...some of it is so painful. I'm not the same person I was back then. I don't even know that boy anymore."

"You tell me what you want to tell me in your own time," Sam told him. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not the same person, either. That night...it killed me, too. And all the years that followed." He bit the inside of his cheek. Goddamn it. He sighed.

"Something wrong?" Sy asked quietly, looking away.

Sam watched him for a moment. "Everything is wrong. Everything has been wrong." Sy flinched and Sam stopped talking. He'd never seen this timidity from him before. He looked afraid. Sam made an effort to lower his voice. "It's all fucked up, Sy. I'm sorry." Sam reached for Sy's hand, which he'd pulled from his grasp when he flinched backward. He began massaging his hand, remembering that it always calmed him down. "I wasn't trying to upset you." He worked his fingers down each digit of Sy's hand before smoothing his thumb across his palm. Sy nodded slightly. "The truth is, I don't let myself get into vulnerable situations. And no matter how hard I try, I can't not be vulnerable with you and, honestly, I don't know how to really handle it."

"I'm scared, too." Sam looked up into his eyes. "I'm terrified that at any moment you'll walk away...declare this was a mistake and that you never want to see me again. Not that I would blame you, or anything. I don't deserve less for what he made me do to you." Sy broke eye contact.

Sam wanted to ask but decided it was too soon. He went with instead, "Whenever you're ready to...we can talk about the hard stuff. I mean...none of it is necessarily easy, but...there's no rush...just whenever you're ready." He placed his palm lightly against Sy's cheek and brought his eyes back to his. "I'm not going anywhere." 

Sy didn't speak aloud, but his eyes spoke volumes. Sam brushed his thumb along Sy's cheekbone, feeling the texture of his skin under his hand. "What you said on the phone the other day...about my moving on...I never moved on. I never let anyone get close enough to move on. I've waited so long to have you back in my life...wondering if it would ever happen but knowing that..." He paused and pursed his lips. "Knowing that my heart and soul belonged to you and if I had to wait a lifetime, I would. And here you are...right in front of me...do you think I ever want to say goodbye again?" Sam pulled Sy closer, touching a ghost of a kiss to Sy's lips before deepening it. It wasn't an urgent kiss, but soft and tender, full of longing and heat.

They were both breathless when they parted, their eyes locked on each other's, Sam's hand still holding Sy's cheek. "I hope not. I've always looked for you. Once I was able..." Sam felt him tense as his thoughts went somewhere that Sam could only ponder. "I didn't want to leave you...please, believe me when I say that, Sammy. I never wanted that to happen." Sy closed his eyes and sat back some, bringing a bit of distance between them. He began breathing harshly before taking control and breathing deeply and slowly.

Sam watched him, aching to wrap his arms around him, but not knowing if it was a welcomed gesture. Sure they'd just kissed, but...fuck it, Sam thought.

 "Hey." 

Sy looked up, his eyes shining with pain he wanted to take away more than anything in his life. As he scooted forward and pulled him into his arms, Sam wondered about the horrors he just saw reflected in Sy's eyes. What had all been done to him to put that look on his beautiful features? What had beaten him down so low? 

Sy wrapped his arms tightly around him as if no one had hugged him in years and he was desperate for the contact. Maybe he was desperate for the contact. His contact. Sy clung to him and he clung back, both their minds and hearts reeling at their proximity. Sam lightly placed a kiss against the top of his head, inhaling deeply Sy's scent. It was like stepping back in time and he was at once intoxicated by it.