Prologue: 

Life Altering Circumstance

He knew. The moment Sy Benson closed the bedroom door behind him, he knew that something was wrong. Sy had evidence of tears on his cheeks, but his eyes were dry. Sam Freeman looked up from his desk that stood against the wall just to the right of the bedroom door. The smile that lit up his face upon Sy's entrance dimmed quickly and he frowned as he stood. "What's wrong?"

"My dad...he...found out about us." Sy wouldn't look at him. "He's sending me away."

Sam's heart dropped to his toes. Sam and Sy had grown-up together, their mother's being dear friends since college, and had always been close, especially as there was just three months separating their birthdays. "Where?" 

Sy did look up then, his eyes reflecting a pain so raw Sam felt it twist his gut. "I can't tell you. I'm sorry, Sammy."

"When are you coming home?" Sam's voice cracked at the weight of the news he'd been delivered.

"I'm not coming home," Sy answered. "I'm...I'm not allowed contact with you anymore after tonight."

"What? But..." Sam didn't know what to say. In a matter of moments, his life was destroyed. He felt like a snow globe that was just shaken about. He didn't know up from down, left from right.

"I'm sorry, Sammy. I have to go." He turned toward the door to make his exit but couldn't turn the knob. He heard Sammy's tears behind him and his heart was breaking from their shared pain.

"Sy, please...don't leave me like this. Please, don't leave me like this." Sy dropped his head and slowly turned around. He took three steps forward and pulled Sam into his arms. Sam held on for dear life, his sobs cutting Sy down that much faster. Sy held on with equal fervor, his tears soaking into Sam's sleeve. 

When Sy did finally pull away he cupped Sam's face gently in his hands, softly thumbing away the pouring heartbreak falling from his eyes. Sy brought his lips down to Sam's and kissed him. Within that contact, he conveyed everything he felt for the older boy before finally, he pulled back. He blinked his eyes clear and took a deep breath.

 "I will always love you, Sammy. Please don't forget me." He kissed him once more and walked away. He heard Sam's screams long after he returned to the place he once called home. He lay in bed curled into himself, hugging the pillow Sam had always slept on to his chest as it muffled the sounds of his own screaming.

Sam's lamenting screams as Sy ran from the room caught the attention of his twin brother Logan, and his girlfriend Carrie. "Sammy, what's wrong?" Logan lifted his brother off the floor, dragging him to the bed. Sam latched onto his brother as his world continued to fall apart. He couldn't speak. He couldn't breathe. He could hear Logan and Carrie trying to calm him down enough to take a proper breath, but everything was so far away he couldn't hear what was being said. He could hear nothing but the sound of his own screaming before everything went black.

Chapter One

The sun was reaching its midway point in the blue, cloudless, summer sky. Birds flew overhead enjoying the warm wind that swept them up through the air, their songs ringing loud and true, a testament to the joy of the day. Beneath the singing birds on the ground children play. The trees, full of green leaves, providing adequate shade to picnicking families.

Sy watched his son play with a small smile adorning his face. "Go play," a voice to his right told him with a small chuckle.

He smiled as he looked at her. "I feel like I'm gonna burst." But he made his way to his feet. The boy's smile amplified as he saw his father approach and ran full force, throwing himself through the air, secure in the knowledge that he would never hit the ground. And he didn't. Instead, he went soaring through the air, much like the birds overhead, his arms and legs splaying out as the wind swept through his hair. His face was bright with smiles as giggles escaped deep from his belly. Suddenly his feet were on the ground and his father's face swam into view. The boy leaned into him, dizzy, but still giggling. "You're getting heavy. Pretty soon you'll be big enough to spin me around in the air." They both laughed and Sy tousled his son's blond hair.

"I love you, Daddy."

Sy smiled, his heart swelling at those words. "I love you, too, kiddo."

"Will you push me on the swings?" he asked, pointing a tiny finger in the direction of the swing sets. He looked back at Sy with a happy grin.

"That sounds like something I can do. I'm gonna go grab us some water. Thirsty?" The boy nodded. "Okay. Maybe I can convince your Aunt Shelly to join us. What do you think?"

He leaned around his father's legs looking at his aunt, who was propped up against a tree reading. "I don't know, Daddy, she's already reading. You know what that means."

Sy chuckled and looked at his son. "I do, indeed."

"Can I go to the swings while you get water?" He gave his best puppy dog pout. The one that always got him his way.

Sy looked to the swings and back to their picnic area and back again, gauging how easily he could see the boy from there. He nodded with an uneasy smile. He was rather protective of his only son. "Alright, but stay where I can see you."

The boy grinned. "Thanks, Daddy."

Sy watched the boy run toward the swings with a small chuckle. He loved the boy's sense of freedom, even if it did scare the shit out of him sometimes. But he was a good kid, Sy reasoned. He never had to worry about him wandering too far. Shelly smiled at his approach, lowering her book. He bent and grabbed two water bottles, opening one and taking a long drink of its cold contents. 

"Wanna come swing with us?"

Shelly laughed and squinted up at him. He stepped over to the left just enough to block the sun from her eyes. She lowered her hand. "Sure." She stood. "You twisted my arm." They laughed and began walking in the direction the boy ran off to. 

As they approached the swing sets, Shelly said, "Which swings did he go to?"

The undertone of worry in her voice prickled the hairs on the back of his neck and his head snapped up, his eyes wide. He was nowhere to be seen. 

"He was going to this one." Their steps quickened best they could as they rushed past scampering children. They looked around before their eyes met each other. 

"Alright," Shelly said, taking command. "You go to the right and look that way. I'll go look this way. Call me in twenty and we'll go from there." He nodded but didn't speak further. His son was his life. This couldn't be happening. How could he have been so careless? "Sy," Shelly called him before he turned completely away. He looked at her with obvious terror on his face. "He'll be okay." 

He nodded but didn't speak further, his heart hammering so hard behind his ribs he thought they may crack. The longer it took to locate his son, the more frantic he became and he had to stop once to calm himself from reaching hysteria. He would be no good to his son or anyone like that. This was not the time to break down. He searched, his eyes moving over the crowd. He stopped. There. He was walking with a man toward him. The boy didn't seem to notice him yet.

"Sammy!" Both the child and the man next to him stopped and looked in the direction of the shout.

"Daddy!" The boy, red-faced from recently dried tears now born anew, raced toward his father. Sy lifted him up, not getting him against him fast enough. The man approached slowly, allowing them their reunion.

"Oh, Sammy, baby, are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened? How did you wind up way over here?" Sy set him on his feet and began checking for marks, cuts, or abrasions. 

In a voice that was clearly half relief and half fear, either of getting in trouble or his getting lost was a coin toss, he said, "When I got to the swings, I was waiting for you and I saw a pretty butterfly and I chased it. I'm sorry, Daddy, I didn't mean to wander off. When I looked up I didn't know where I was and I got really scared and I started crying for you, but you didn't answer me."

"That's where I come in." That voice. He noticed the man walking next to his son but didn't pay him much mind in light of making sure Sammy was okay. But it couldn't be. He would know that voice from anywhere and above all others. By the look on the other man's face, he knew exactly who Sy was. "I found him and offered to help find you with him." His throat was tight with suppressed emotion, his eyes revealing so much and nothing at all.

"Sammy?" Sy couldn't breathe. He stood, his face one of complete shock and disbelief.  He was even more beautiful than he remembered. He also had the memories of a boy and twelve years had done him very well. His body was trimmed and toned to perfection, his once pale skin was now a natural tan that made him shimmer bronze. His hair was shorter than what he held in his mind and he'd grown taller. Taller than Sy even, who stood at a fair six-foot-one. "Is it really you?" He felt stupid for saying that, but when Sam smiled at him all else vanished.

"Yeah. It's really me. Hi, Sy. It's been a long time." Sam's voice was calm, but there was something in his eyes he couldn't place.

Suddenly Sy inhaled sharply. "Shit." He pulled out his phone and looked at Sam. "Hold on. Please." Sam nodded and Sy waited a beat before speaking into the phone. "Shelly. I got him. No, he's fine." He told her where they were before disconnecting the call and looking back at his long-lost love. He couldn't breathe. Of all the times he'd imagined himself coming across Sam's path again and all the things he would have said, this scenario was never among them. Sy took another step closer to him and another, stopping just short of his arm's reach. How he wanted to be in those arms. His chest ached at being in such a close proximity that he could smell his coconut shampoo and body wash mingled with a musky smell that was all Sam. 

"Shelly!" Sammy let go of his father's hand and ran toward the only mother figure he'd ever known. They latched onto each other, relief washing completely over her face.

She approached them, the boy’s hand tucked safely within hers, her eyes on Sy's gaze. "I'm going to take him to the car. He said he wants to go home. Meet you there?" He nodded and she walked away without further comment, sparing a nod to Sam in acknowledgment.

"How have you been?" Sam tried again, taking half a step closer. 

Lost. Utterly lost. "Fine," he said instead. It was a lie but he couldn't get into specifics in the middle of the park. "What about you?"

Sam didn't smile as he answered, his hand coming up to caress Sy's cheek, just slightly in the barest of touches. "I have never been the same." He dropped his hand and stepped back and instantly Sy felt bereft and empty. "I'm glad Sammy is okay." He began to turn away from him, to walk out of his life forever and Sy had nothing. No idea what he could possibly say right then.

"Wait." It was all he could get out, but it was enough. "Please. Wait." Sam turned around and faced him, not speaking. "Look...I, uh...I don't know how much it means to you after twelve years, but...I'm sorry, Sammy. Everything was beyond my control. My father..." He paused. "You have no idea what all he forced me to do after he found out." He swallowed an old pain and shut out visions from his mind, dragging his eyes up to Sam's carefully calculating ones.

Sam closed the distance between them slowly, his eyes softer than they had been, and studied him carefully. Sy knew that if Sam looked long and hard enough he might one day find the boy he once knew. But as it was, Sy didn't even know where that boy hid among the calamities that had become his existence after that night. He wanted so badly to reach out but couldn't move. Sy's breath caught when Sam took his hand in his own, linking their fingers. 

"I'm sorry, Sy." The words seemed heartfelt but what exactly was he apologizing for? Sam touched his cheek again. At the contact Sy inhaled deeply, feeling nervous, but also feeling the blazing warmth of those fingertips against his cold, dead skin. And make no mistake, dead is how he felt. How he's felt for the last twelve years, and had begun to wonder if he'd ever feel like a part of the living again. He caught glimpses of it when he laughed and played with his son, but it was always just out of reach. "Can we meet again?"

Sy didn't know how to read his eyes. Hopeful with a tinge of an old pain showing through. "Please." He didn't care if it sounded like begging. If that's what it took, he would beg. He would beg until the cow finally jumped over the goddamn moon if that's what was necessary.

Sam heard the desperation in his voice and his reaction was plain on his face. "What about...uh...?" He pointed vaguely.

Sy shook his head. "Uh, no. She's...Sammy's aunt. She helps me with him and we're great friends, but..." He shrugged. He didn't need to explain further. He felt like a schoolboy, nervous and tongue-tied.

Sammy nodded and pulled a sharpie from his pocket. The sight made Sy smile. Some things never changed. Taking his hand, Sam scribbled down his phone number. "Text me or something. It'd be good to catch up."

"Okay." Why did he suddenly feel so deflated? This wasn't how he ever expected this first meeting to go. But what did he expect? What was Sam supposed to have thought for all these years? He looked up from his hand. "I really missed you."

Sam almost smiled. "We'll talk soon." And then he was gone. Sy watched him walk away, every instinct he had telling him to run after him, but in the end, he turned and made his way back to the car, his heart fragmenting more with each step put between them.

Shelly gave him a look when he reached the car and he shook his head, indicating that he didn't want to talk about anything right now, nor in front of Sammy. 

"All buckled in, Sammy?" Sy closed his eyes, his voice hitching slightly on the name.

"Yes, Daddy." Sy checked his mirror and frowned. He sounded rather subdued.

"Holy shit, Sy," she whispered as it all finally came together.

"Not now, Shelly. Yes to what you're thinking, just...not now." She nodded, reached over, and grabbed his hand. He squeezed it hard, using her support to calm himself down. He needed her support to calm down. Her grip on his hand remained strong until he relaxed first. When he did, both of their hands became lax, but neither broke the hold.

They had had many conversations over the years, always laughing over a few glasses of wine, that they'd make a perfect couple. If only either of them liked the opposite sex. She loved him dearly. She had seen the aftermath of what he had gone through. Held him in the long hours of the night when it all became too much. When he could do nothing but scream his voice raw. Scream for Sam. She knew. Better than anyone she knew.

When they got home Sammy didn't want to be anywhere but in his father's arms, his getting lost at the park still playing on frayed nerves. Sy doted on the boy, holding him, doing his best to make him smile and laugh. Shelly offered to make dinner, leaving the boys to play. She smiled as she watched them. Sammy, while completely unplanned, quite possibly saved Sy's life, as before him, Sy was on a quick downward spiral. She would not want to bear witness to him once again self-destruct.

When Sammy was in bed and tucked in, Sy took great care in talking to him about the dangers of wandering too far and to make sure he was paying attention to his surroundings. Tears fell from the boy's eyes at the prospect of someone taking him away from his daddy, but Sy smiled and kissed his button nose. 

"You're not in trouble. I just want you to be aware of what might happen so you don't wander off like that again. Daddy was very much scared today." He slipped his fingers through the boy's hair. "No tears are needed, my love. You're safe and home and everything worked out fine. But be more careful next time, deal?"

Sammy nodded. "Okay, Daddy. I love you."

Sy leaned down and made snorting sounds against Sammy's neck and cheek, the vibrations tickling and making the child giggle. When Sy sat up some he, too, was smiling.

 "I love you, too, baby boy. Sleep tight and sleep sweet."

"Daddy?"

Sy had started to stand, but stopped at his name. "Hm?"

"Did you know the man that found me? We laughed when we found out we have the same name." Sammy smiled at the memory.

"Yes, Sammy. I know him. He was...the best friend I ever had. You’re even named after him. But I haven't seen him in a long, long time." Sy swallowed his emotions.

"How come?"

"That's the way of things sometimes, baby." Sy leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep, Sammy. I love you."

When he exited the room and joined Shelly back in the living room, she had the atmosphere set up purposefully for him to pour his heart out. He sighed. He knew he wouldn't be able to escape talking to her about it. This ritual is what helped him come back after everything his father had done. Or what others had done with his blessing. He had told her everything. Everything about Sam. That final goodbye. His father. His own inescapable darkness, she bore it all. Over the last eleven years, she had been his only rock, his only constant. The only one he had ever allowed himself to trust since the night his life was ripped apart as he knew it.

"Is it necessary to do this?" He knew it would be a losing battle, but had to at least put up a feeble attempt at stalling. But even as he said this, he made his way over to her and sat down on the plush carpeting, his head dropping back onto the couch. She only smiled in response. 

"I don't even know where to begin." He sighed and Shelly watched as his eyes slipped slowly closed. His face contorted slightly, his hands curling into tight fists. "I can say that that's not how I ever expected my first time seeing him again would go. I thought he would be...happier to see me?" He looked at her and frowned. "But then why would he be? With the way I left him...crying, screaming for me to come back." He took a ragged breath but forced his eyes to remain dry.

"Or," Shelly began, "you can think about it this way, Sy." He looked at her. "It's been twelve years for him, too. I'm sure it was a shock to him just as you to see you after all this time. After how things ended." He nodded slowly, thinking about the emotions that ran behind Sam's eyes as they stared at each other in disbelief. The way his hands were shaking when he wrote down his number. "He gave you his number. Take that as a good sign. Are you going to text him?"

Sy nodded. "Yeah. I wasn't sure when I should..."

Shelly laughed some, touching his shoulder. "Fuck protocol, baby. It's been twelve years. You both have waited long enough."

"Shelly...what if he doesn't really want anything to do with me anymore? What if I ruined it back then?" He sighed again and bit his lip. "I told him I really missed him."

"What did he say?" Shelly asked curiously.

"'We'll talk soon.'" He didn't want to admit how much that statement both elated him and hurt him. He didn't know which emotion overpowered the other and it left him dizzy and slightly numb.

"Maybe he just couldn't get into it right there in the park. I mean...he knew you had to go. Maybe that's just all he could say right then." Sy shrugged. "Look, love, my point is maybe you should wait before you destroy yourself until after you talk to him."

He nodded. "Yeah, I suppose you're right." He looked at her. "I'm terrified to text him, Shell."

She smiled and played with his hair. "I know, baby. But this is a chance you've waited twelve years for. Are you going to squander it?"

He shook his head. "No. No, I'm not, it's just...I'm not the same person I was back then. What if he doesn't like who I've become?'

"Then at least you'll know and maybe allow yourself to move on."

They talked for another hour, the conversation finally moving on to other things. "I was really scared today. What if something happened to him? Someone could have easily grabbed him." He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled deeply.

"Hey," Shelly said as she leaned toward him. "Don't get yourself all worked up." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind, her palms resting lightly against his chest. She kissed his cheek. "He's fine. He's home and he's safe. Right now that's all that matters. I'm sure he won't wander like that again."

He nodded. "I'm sure I won't let him from my sight again. It just...could have been so much worse. I'd die if anything happened to him. Without him, Shelly, there wouldn't be any point anymore."

It was hours later that Sy finally entered his bedroom. He shut the door and flipped on the light, undressing down to his boxers. His legs bent unceremoniously and dropped him to the edge of the bed. With a sigh he leaned over and grabbed his jeans off the floor, pulled out his phone from his pants pocket and unlocked the screen after dropping the garment back to his feet. As he brought up the text screen his heart hammered like it had in the park, and he forced himself to take several steadying breaths.

"Hey. It's Sy."

As he waited for an answer, his mind began wandering into the past.

"Sammy?"

They were sitting under an ancient Willow tree, enjoying the shade this particular tree gave them on this particularly hot summer day of their thirteenth year.

Sam looked over to him, his attention drawn away from the ducks lazily swimming in the pond in front of them. "Hm?" Sammy studied his friend for a second before, "Are you okay, Sy? You've been really quiet today."

Sy shook his head slightly, looking away. "No. I'm really not."

Sam turned to fully face his friend, his brow creasing as he watched tears fall down his cheeks. "What's the matter?"

Sy pulled his legs up to his chest, his arms wrapping around his knees. "I'm..." He bit his lip, clearly nervous. "I'm scared to tell you. I don't want you to hate me."

"I could never hate you, Sy. You're my best friend. And you can tell me anything."

The sincere look on his friend's face made Sy that much more anxious, rather than its intended reassurance. "What if this is the one thing I can't tell you?"

Sam smiled at him as he threw an arm across his shoulders. "Anything means anything, Sy. Not anything minus this one thing." Sammy smiled slightly in hopes that Sy would as well. He frowned when he didn't. "Really, Sy. What's going on?"

"I..." He choked on his words and tried again. "I'm gay, Sammy." He waited for the verbal hatred followed by the physical brutality of his larger fists. Even though they were three months apart, Sam had always been a bigger kid than he. Sammy was built, even at thirteen, having been playing sports since he was small, and therefore hitting the gym at an early age.

Sam smiled gently at him and pulled him into a tight hug. Sy clung to him, his shoulders shaking, his hands clutching to the back of Sammy's shirt. 

"I already knew that," Sam said to him once he'd calmed. "I don't care about that. You're my best friend, Sy. I love you, you know?"

"You can't tell anyone, Sammy. Please, don't tell anyone."

Sam shushed him gently as he held him, leaning up against their tree. "It isn't something you need to worry about, Sy."

"If my dad finds out, he'll kill me. He already hates me. I don't know what he would do."

Sam didn't comment, just held his friend despite the heat. He'd known Sy's father all his life and, while never known for violent outbursts, held a cold detachment toward his only son. When they were younger still, he remembered many nights comforting his friend, unable to answer the questions he had no answers for.

Why did you hate me so damn much? Sy wiped tears away he hadn't known were falling. His phone chimed in an incoming text message and his heart began to race.