Sebastian closed Jaxsen’s bedroom door softly. They’d all eaten dinner in the living room, dining on pepperoni and mushroom pizza and Land Before Time; at Jaxsen’s shy request for their dinner movie. They watched the movie as they ate, Sebastian hugging Jaxsen a bit closer to his side at the part where Littlefoot’s mother was killed by the T-Rex. Sebastian wondered as he felt Jaxsen’s tears soak into his shirt that during that scene if he’d always have that reaction, or if it was because it reminded him of the loss of his own mother, and why he loved watching it so much. Not quite three quarters the way through the film, Jaxsen crawled into Sebastian’s lap and fell asleep, his head pressed to hear the echoing to his father’s heart. Once the credits rolled Sebastian stood and carried the sleeping child to his room. Nizhoni smiled sadly before she turned off all the electronics and followed a moment behind them up the stairs.

“Daddy?” Jaxsen called once the covers had been pulled up to his chin.

“Yes, sweet boy?” Sebastian carded his fingers through Jaxsen’s silky hair and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I love you.” Sebastian heard the tears in his voice and soothed the frown with the pad of his thumb.

“I love you, too, baby boy.” Jaxsen wanted so badly to request him to stay as he hugged him goodnight, but he refrained; keeping a slipping reign on his emotions. He bit his tongue hard to focus on something else, anything else, to keep his tears at bay. Sebastian kissed his forehead and closed the door behind him.

He was bone-weary and melancholy of heart. He sighed as he heard Jaxsen’s crying through the door but continued on to his own room. He felt beyond like he was abandoning the boy, but he just couldn’t muster the energy. His head low, a migraine forming behind his eyes, he opened his own bedroom door. Nizhoni was fresh from the shower, her hair hanging in combed, dripping strings. He looked at her closely, she really is beautiful.

He sighed. “Nizhoni, I understand the reasoning behind why you said to him what you said; but don’t ever threaten him again.” He met her eyes briefly, too tired to fight about it, before walking past her to their adjoining bathroom. Nizhoni, to her credit, kept her mouth shut for the time being. She glared at the closed bathroom door before silently shaking her head and crawled under the blankets.

Monday came too early and yet not fast enough. Jaxsen moped that morning, walking around sullen-faced and moving almost in slow motion. His movements were still calculated and his eyes watchful. He didn’t speak unless spoken to and kept his answers laconic at best. Sebastian watched him closely trying to come up with a way to get that look out of his eyes. As Jaxsen and Sebastian were walking out the door, Nizhoni reached for Jaxsen to kiss him goodbye, like she’d done every day since she’d moved in. Her hand stopped her way mid-way when fear overtook his features. 

In the ways of old habits that won’t completely die, Jaxsen flinched away, a moaning protest at his lips, as he partially hid behind Sebastian. Nizhoni felt like she’d been stabbed in the heart and she pulled her hand away.

“I’d never hit you, Yanaha,” she whispered, her voice thick and choked, before standing up and briskly walking away.

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” Jaxsen said as he pointed his eyes at his feet.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jack. Come on, we gotta go.” 

Sebastian sat in the driveway of his country-style home, his head resting against the steering wheel. He felt drained. Exsanguinated of all emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Acid churned in his belly as the stress of the last few months caught up with him. With a lingering, heartfelt sigh and consternation in his heart, he shut the engine of his truck off, looked one more time at the house before stepping out and preparing himself to face what awaited him. When he entered the house he found Nizhoni in a frenzy. She was in the living room cleaning. The couch pillows were askew and thrown onto the recliner, loveseat, and floor. 

She paused as he entered the room. “Don’t fucking start, Sebastian, okay? Just don’t...” she told him, her face taunt, her lips pulled tightly against her teeth. Suddenly all the emotion that was drained only moments ago came flooding back like a broken levee; unable now to hold back as the tide came rushing forward. 

His eyes narrowed. “What the fuck, Nizhoni? Did I say anything?”

She glared at him. “You never have to say anything. I know what you’re going to say, so just save it.”

Anger boiled within, everything surfacing and expounding outward in a rush of emotions. “No, I don’t think I will. Why is my son flinching away from you?”

Nizhoni stared at him as if he suddenly began speaking an alien tongue she had no context with which she was able to translate. “Are you fucking seriously asking me what I think you’re asking me, Sebastian?” She stared at him a moment before nodding slightly, as if to answer an internal thought, turned, and went to the stairs.

He followed a moment later and stopped abruptly in the doorway of their shared bedroom. “Where are you going?”

“Fuck you, that’s where I’m going.” There was an open bag on the bed and the dresser drawers were open.

“Nizhoni,” he began, pinching the bridge of his nose as his headache increased. She threw the shirt that was in her hands down, her eyes full of anger, pain, and unshed tears.

“No, Sebastian. How goddamned dare you accuse me of doing anything to that boy? You, of all fucking people, Sebastian, know how I feel about that shit. You know more about what was done to me than the lawyers that worked the case. You know, Bastian, you fucking know…and you still have the goddamn gall to subtly accuse me of hurting him?

“Should I assume the same every time he’s scared and flinches away from you?” She angrily wiped the tears from her high cheekbones. 

Sebastian sighed. “No.” He looked at the suitcase lying open on the bed. “No. I wouldn’t…” He scrubbed his hands over his face, a big sigh escaping him. “I wouldn’t hurt him like that.”

She laughed humorlessly, her arms in a ‘so what’ kind of gesticulation. “So what are you saying then, huh? That you couldn’t, but the abused kid could? Because abused kids always become abusive parents right?” Her hands came up automatically to her stomach.

It was his turn to stare at her, mouth agape. “How do you expect me to respond to that?” He wanted to hit something. Hard. Very hard. “This is stupid. I wasn’t even going to bring anything up. We’re both upset and stressed and goddamn it, all I wanted was to come home and sit down and fucking decompress.”

Suddenly the flame driving his anger ran out its fuel and died. He slid down the door jam, his legs no longer able to hold his weight. He curled up, forearms supported by his thighs, head cradled in his hands. He felt his heart breaking and heard his house falling down around him.

Basil had noticed all day Jaxsen’s demeanor. He was sullen, quiet, and lacked any enthusiasm that was almost trademark now. He didn’t smile, or laugh, and had not spoken more than five words all day.

“Jaxsen?” Jaxsen’s eyes flicked upward before falling again. “Jax, man, what’s wrong?” Jaxsen shook his head. He silently begged his friend to drop it. He didn’t want to break. Basil had been asking on and off throughout the day and Jaxsen was thankful he had a friend who cared enough to make sure he was okay when he clearly wasn’t. Despite all of his denial that anything was wrong Basil kept checking on him. He really wanted him to stop for now, grateful as he was for his friend. He couldn’t lose it at school.

On Wednesday, like every Wednesday, Sebastian waited by the stone cougar for Jaxsen to meet him. He watched the doors, anxiety rushing to his heart that Jaxsen might not be there. He relaxed slightly when he emerged among the bounding students. He walked slowly, his head down, hands gripping his backpack straps.

“Jaxsen, wait,” a young girl called from behind. Jaxsen stopped and looked behind him. Sebastian couldn’t hear them, but knew she was trying to cheer him up. He nodded slowly before she drew him into a hug and kissed his cheek before walking away.

“Hey, Jack,” Sebastian greeted when he was next to him. 

Jaxsen waved. “Hi, Daddy.” His voice was just an octave above inaudible.

“You ready to go home?” Jaxsen nodded and together they turned toward the car.

Nizhoni sat in her favorite recliner in the silence of the house. Silence had always scared her as a child. It scared her now, only for different reasons. She looked at the clock. Sebastian and Jaxsen should be home any moment. She felt her throat constrict at the tension the house had been full of for the past week. In the end she put back her things and tucked away the suitcase. She closed her eyes against the memories that were constantly pounding around her mind, and had been since that night. The last few days everyone had been quiet and tense. 

Each of the three of them were walking on their own set of egg shells. She had no idea what to do.  “What’s to do, little nugget?” She spoke to the almost visible bump, her hand resting lightly upon it. She sighed and wondered if Sebastian had yet forgiven her outburst. He hadn’t said much to her, though his body language was not that of anger, but of heartbroken disappointment. Did she really think he thought she could do Jaxsen harm? His words suggested it. There was blame to go around.

Jaxsen’s reaction to her reaching for him shook her to the center of her core. So many times did she flinch away from outstretched hands, even after the abuse was long since removed from her life.

“God, little nugget, how am I going to fix what is so royally fucked up? This is how Mamma Lou must have felt for the first…God…three years I was there. I flinched from everyone but your daddy.” She sighed again and taking a deep breath mentally prepared herself for two faces of dejected rue.

Jaxsen, for his part, said nothing upon entering the house, simply made his way to his room. Nizhoni respired mournfully before glancing over toward Sebastian, whose sorrowful eyes still watched where Jaxsen turned the corner at the top of the stairs. Is it going to be like this much longer? She cursed herself for not being able to school her feelings better than this as she felt herself tearing up. 

“I…I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said. I just…” She shook her head and closed her eyes, “never mind. Just, I’m sorry.” She choked down the sobs that had been threatening to overtake her. Her eyes pleaded understanding, but within his she found only cold detachment.  She said nothing more, merely nodded slightly as she stood only feet from him. She wanted nothing more than for him to engulf her within his arms, but neither moved. She turned and walked out into the backyard not saying anything more. She hugged herself, wrapping the sweater a bit tighter around her. She heard the sliding patio door open and close before warmth engulfed her. He kissed the side of her neck, burrowing his face into her shoulder. He breathed deeply, her scent filling him up. She leaned back against his chest, her arms encircling his. 

“I love you, Nizhoni Hosteen. I’m sorry, too, baby.” She closed her eyes against the tears that spilled down her cheeks. “Don’t cry, beautiful,” he said, kissing away her tears.

“God, Bastian…this is how Mamma Lou felt for all that time. Every time I flinched from her.” Sebastian nodded, the days’ worth of stubble prickling her skin.

“You’re gonna freeze out here, beautiful. Let’s go back in, baby.” She allowed him to lead her back inside the house. She stopped as she passed the stairs and looked up. He watched as a myriad of emotions crossed her face.

“I really wouldn’t ever hit him. That wasn’t what I meant.” Her voice was low and filled with pain.

“I know.” He was ashamed of what he’d said to her earlier. 

“When I said what I said it wasn’t a threat of physical violence. Disciplinary actions, yes, but…”

“I know. But he doesn’t understand the difference between that right now.” They both kept their voices even. It was a discussion not an argument. 

“I know. But I couldn’t not do anything, Bastian. He knew that he shouldn’t have said that to you when he said it, and I know that he’s guilting himself terribly over it if his behavior is anything to go by the last few days…but I couldn’t just…it’s been a long time since I saw that look in your eyes and I couldn’t just let it go.”

Sebastian nodded and kissed the corner of her eye. “I know. I’m sorry, Zhoni.” He turned her so she was fully facing him. Cupping her face gently in his palms he looked deeply into her eyes. “I never thought once you’d hurt him, nor that you’d be capable of hurting a child in any likeness of what you endured. I was stupid and upset and I’m sorry.” She nodded and he pulled her tightly to his chest.

The next morning Sebastian had already left by the time Jaxsen came downstairs. He followed his nose to the kitchen where Nizhoni was fixing breakfast, plopping tiredly down into the wooden kitchen chair.

“Good morning, Yanaha.” She smiled at him before turning back to the stove. “Breakfast is almost ready.” He nodded at her in reply before dropping his gaze. He wanted to go get a hug from her. He missed his morning loving that he’d begun to take for granted. He wanted her to forget about breakfast and to give him the comfort he so desperately needed. But he resisted these selfish yearnings as a form of internal punishment. His circumscribed dialogue was paused when Nizhoni knelt down in front of him. Her hands rested on his knees for balance. 

“Jaxsen?” He sucked his bottom lip and began to nervously gnaw on it. Her voice was soft and light, comforting, like her touch. “Yanaha, I’m sorry. I should have realized how what I said sounded to you before I said anything. I didn’t mean it like it sounded.” Two tears slid down his eyes and he nodded, still favoring his lip. She sighed lightly and wiped his tears.

“Jaxsen, look at me, please.” He did. He wanted to look away but held her gaze. “Baby, I will never, and I mean never cause you physical or any other kind of harm on purpose. If I say there will be consequences to any action or inaction, it won’t be violence.” She rubbed his knees gently as she spoke and his hands found their way on top of hers. “I know, baby, what it’s like to be scared of everyone, to be hurt by everyone, and I would never put you in a situation for similar grounds. Please believe that, Jaxsen.”

“Because of the bad people?” He played with her fingers as he spoke.

“Yes, my love. Because of the bad people. Yanaha?” Jaxsen met her eyes again. “I love you, baby. I’m sorry I scared you so badly. And I’m sorry that I didn’t come check on you.” Jaxsen felt his resolve crumble as the need for comfort outweighed his need for self-punishment. He shot out of his chair like a rocket, the force knocking her backward. She caught him and herself before falling back completely. 

“I’m sorry, Zhoni. I’m sorry,” he wailed against her shoulder. “I don’t want you and Daddy to be mad at me.” She felt his body quiver under her arms and ran soothing hands over his back, through his hair.

“We’re not mad, baby.” He pulled back to look at her face, tears falling freely from his blue eyes. 

“Yes, huh. Daddy is. I know he is. And you’re mad at me, too, ‘cause of what I said to him,” Jaxsen lamented. Nizhoni brushed the hair from his face, pleased this time he didn’t think about violent repercussions. 

“Sh, sh, baby. He’s not mad, I promise. He’s hurt that you said that to him. He’s a bit unsure, but he’s not mad, Yanaha, I promise.” Jaxsen sniffled and as they both sat up he wiped his face, looking skeptical to say the least. 

“Then how come he hasn’t come to tuck me in, or have me do the dishes with him? He’s just done them without me.” Jaxsen covered his face as his litany of woes seeped from disgruntled lips.