Jaxsen sat nestled in the corner next to his dresser, his knees drawn to his chest. The anger had long ago faded, tears, though sticky on his cheeks, had dried. He sighed and dropped his head on his knees. Why am I so stupid? he berated himself. How could I say those things? Why did I want to hurt him? He hugged himself feeling cold and alone.

“It’s your own fault, stupid. He’s gonna send you away for sure now,” he whispered out loud. No tears fell though his heart sank at the thought. He looked up as his door opened, startled. Seeing Nizhoni, he froze. The anger in her hard, dark eyes made him pause in fear. He said nothing as she came to stand in front of him. He looked up, trapped against the wall with nowhere to run. She glared at him a moment before speaking.

“Are you proud of yourself?” She did not yell or raise her voice. She was calm, but he could plainly see the fury on her face. Somehow it was worse. “Well?”

He realized he hadn’t answered. “N-no.”

“Do you have any clue what you said to him? How much you hurt him?” Jaxsen looked away, shame filling his soul. “Answer me.”

He sniffled. “Y-yes. I kn-know.” He closed his eyes tightly against her disapproving scorn. He felt the atmosphere darken as her anger deepened. He bit down hard on his lower lip in fruitless venture to hide the tears behind his eyes. He felt betrayed as molten saltwater burned down his cheeks. He did not wipe them away, but drew himself in closer; making himself smaller.

“I understand what’s going on here, Jaxsen, even if you don’t.” He flinched at how harshly his name was spat from her tongue. “I’ve done this. Been where you are now. I get you’re scared, but let me tell you something, little boy-look at me.” Slowly he raised his eyes to her fierce, smoldering charcoal eyes. “I would do anything for you, and I love you like I carried you within me for nine months, but if you ever say anything like that to him again, you will answer to me. Is that clear?” 

He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t draw breath. He nodded minutely and that seemed satisfactory as she glared harshly before turning and leaving the room. He jumped, a small bellow of fear escaping him when the door slammed shut behind her.

Sebastian sat on the home plate mound, in the very spot he last held his son as he slipped away. The chain-link fence had long since been replaced, the grass regrew and the earth evened, erasing the ruts from the car that struck his son. He’d never again come back here after that day; this was a twisted kind of self-torture. The park was nearing empty, the sun beginning to set below the horizon. 

“I love you, Danny. I’m sorry I failed you. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind.” 

Sebastian did not remember the drive home, just blinked at the sudden realization he was now parked in his driveway. He looked up at Jaxsen’s window. The lamp was still on. He sighed and looked away. He knew he needed to talk to the boy but he had no idea if he should attempt that yet; he didn’t know if he could handle something like that a second time.

When he entered the house it was dark, quiet. He scanned the room seeing the patio door was slightly ajar. Nizhoni sat on a deck chair, the wind softly blowing her hair. He came out to join her, leaning back against the rail facing her. He read her body language well. He waited for her to speak.

“Goddamn hormones,” she said as if to herself. “I was so mad, Bastian.”

He stood straight, instantly on alert. “Nizhoni?” There was a questioning in his voice but a warning as well.

“I didn’t touch him. I didn’t even yell at him, I just…scared him.” 

Sebastian glanced upward as if he could see through walls and roof to glimpse his son. “What did you do?”

“I told him I get what he’s doing. Fuck, I’ve even done it to you. But I told him if he ever says anything like that again he’d answer to me.”

“Has he come down?” he asked after a moment.

“No. I made him some dinner, but he wouldn’t answer me when I knocked.”

Sebastian nodded. “Right. I better go talk to him.” He bent down and kissed her gently. “I love you, baby.”

Sebastian knocked lightly upon entering the bedroom. “Jack?” He heard a small clamor next to the dresser. Jaxsen was curled into the corner, a very small sobbing ball. His hands and arms covering his head, knees pulled tightly against his chest. He seemed to be protecting himself from an anticipated fit of rage yet to arrive. “How long have you been like this?” he said to himself before trying to get the boy’s attention. “Jack, sweet boy?”

Gently Sebastian touched Jaxsen’s knees. He didn’t get the response he wanted, if not the one he expected. Jaxsen threw himself backward as if struck, eyes wide with fear, his breathing fast and shallow.

“Jack? Come on, sweet boy.” Sebastian tried to coax him from the corner, his hand lightly grasping Jaxsen’s shoulder.

“No!” he screamed, terror evident in his face. “No, please, I’m sorry.” His respiratory increased, drawing breath a more difficult feat than moments ago. “Nonononono…” Jaxsen cried as the attack increased. “Don’t hurt me. Please, don’t hurt me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Sebastian knew he needed to reach the boy and break him free of this episode he was wrapped within. 

“Jack, I’m not gonna hurt you, baby, come here. Come on, baby boy, look at me. It’s just me. I won’t hurt you, Jack. Come on, Jack, baby, look at me. I won’t hurt you.” He kept talking until finally petrified and hesitant eyes raised upward, scared and unsure. Sebastian smiled a delicate smile. “Jack, love, I need you to listen, okay?” Sebastian spoke in low tones, his voice even.

What he felt was pushed aside, not important in lieu of his son’s distress. “Can you come out of there for me?” Silent tears still tracked down his baby face, his nose running unchecked. Jaxsen curled himself tighter at his question, whimpering in fear.

“Awe, my love. It’s Daddy, baby. I’m not going to hurt you.” He knew he was close to begging and he didn’t care. “Jack, sweet boy…” He trailed off, his voice faltering. Suddenly Sebastian was utterly exhausted and he felt all of his reserves drain out into the atmosphere. He studied Jaxsen’s wide eyes and dropped physical contact entirely. He leaned his back against the closet door. Jaxsen relaxed when his hand was gone and through the haze was momentarily confused as to why he missed it. Sebastian closed his eyes against the day’s taxing fatigue. He didn’t want to cause anymore trauma. So he just sat with Jaxsen, not moving. Not touching. Jaxsen’s tears slowed as he studied Sebastian.

The attack that had lasted several hours was beginning to calm. The fear didn’t vanish with the panic but was replaced by another, less irrational fear. Rejection. And all that came with it. After several, silent minutes ticked by Jaxsen risked words. Jaxsen knew, as did Sebastian when he opened his eyes to the broken plea of his name, that his next move would determine the remainder of their relationship. Sebastian smiled warmly, if a little unsure, and slowly reached out his hand in invitation. Jaxsen hesitated, watching his hand before unfolding himself and launching into open arms. No words were exchanged. They held each other and as the moments passed Jaxsen’s tears slowed. He pulled partly away from Sebastian’s chest; tears trailed down his cheeks and he slightly flinched as Sebastian wiped his face. He smiled at Jaxsen, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat.

“Oh, Jack…” Sebastian’s voice was thick with emotion, his eyes misted over, but he ignored it. “No matter what you say, or what you do…I will never hit you. One day, baby boy, you’ll believe it here as well as here.” He laid his hand against his hitching chest before placing his palm atop his shaggy hair.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.” He bit his lip and lowered his head in shame. “I didn’t mean to say that.” Two fat tears fell and soaked into Sebastian’s jeans. 

Sebastian was silent a moment before speaking. “Why did you? If you didn’t mean to, then why would you say something like that to me, Jack? Do you understand how much what you said hurt me?”

Jaxsen curled his legs into Sebastian’s side, his grip tightening on Sebastian’s shirt. His breath hitched as he choked out a violent sob, his body beginning to ripple with growing fear and upheaval that Sebastian grew worried he’d fragmentize into little pieces. When Jaxsen made no reply Sebastian challenged him with a gentle voice.

“Was this a test, Jack? You’re still scared about the baby. So you intentionally said the most hurtful and hateful thing you could muster to see if I’d send you away? Is that right?” Jaxsen still said nothing but his cries increased, telling Sebastian he was on the correct track. Sebastian ran his left hand up and down the boy’s back, feeling the bones of his spine. His fingers strayed into Jaxsen’s blond strands of fine hair. Jaxsen said something Sebastian didn’t catch due to his face being pressed into his shoulder.

“What’d you say?” Suddenly all emotion that proliferated through Jaxsen’s veins gathered at the center of his chest. The magma pushing up the conduit of his throat, erupting in a scream and a violent self-expulsion from Sebastian’s lap. Sebastian sat stunned, his eyes wide. As Jaxsen pulled at his hair and slapped at his face and torso and anywhere he could reach, it took a moment for Sebastian’s brain to catch up with current events and reach to halt the boy’s self-destruction.

“Jaxsen, stop,” Sebastian yelled over the boy’s scream. Nizhoni came running up the stairs in time to see Sebastian pull the boy’s arms down from his face. Jaxsen kicked and struggled in his arms, his screaming growing in volume. “Jaxsen, stop,” Sebastian pleaded again, tightening his grip and bringing the boy to his chest. Jaxsen fought until he sagged against Sebastian’s torso. Spent and out of breath from the struggle, Sebastian slid to the floor, the wall being his only support. Jaxsen clutched and clawed at whatever part of Sebastian he could reach. His fists balled in anger; another charge of fury about to explode. The whole time they’d been sitting, Jaxsen hid his face in Sebastian’s chest.

“Why won’t you hit me?” He asked, punctuating his question with his fists to Sebastian’s chest. “Why won’t you yell?”

Sebastian’s heart broke. He wound his arms around the quivering form. “Because I love you, Jack.” 

Jaxsen sobbed his denial before shaking off Sebastian’s arms. “No!” Sebastian did not move his arms back, nor did Jaxsen move away. His eyes remained screwed shut, face pushed into Sebastian’s chest. Sebastian wondered briefly how he could properly breathe. Jaxsen pounded against Sebastian. “Hit me! Hit me!” Tears flowed from his eyes as he continued throwing his fists into Sebastian’s chest. “Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.” His screams got louder and he screamed until his throat began to hurt. His fists struck Sebastian with each word he cried out.

“Hit me, Daddy, hit me,” Jaxsen bellowed into Sebastian’s shirt, his sobs making his chest hurt. “Why won’t you just do it?” When he was sure Jaxsen had spent his energy. Sebastian wrapped his arms securely back around his son. His screams became silent sobs, and he clutched at Sebastian’s shirt.

“Because I love you, Jaxsen,” he told him softly, brushing away the hair that was stuck to his sweaty forehead and kissed the spot of his third eye. “Because I love you, Jack,” he repeated.

“Not when the baby comes. Zhoni already doesn’t like me anymore. Y-you’ll b-be next, Daddy. You’ll leave then, too, I know you will. You’ll you’ll you’ll send me back, and I’m scared and I thought if I was bad enough, or I did s-something you’d at least have another reason not to want me anymore.

“Thought thought thought thought th-that,” he paused, gasping for breath. “Can’t…breathe…Daddy, can’t can’t can’t-” Jaxsen began to panic. He couldn’t breathe. Suddenly he felt something at his lips with instructions to breathe in. He gulped the medicinal taste as his pathways began to open.

“Once more.” And he did. Not long after Jaxsen had come to live with Sebastian, Sebastian had gotten inhalers for him from the doctor’s office for just these moments. He hadn’t needed to use it in months, but Nizhoni had the foresight to run and grab it from his nightstand drawer. 

He panted in Sebastian’s arms, wide eyed with fear. “Easy, Jack. Slow, easy breaths. That’s a boy. Sh, baby, I’m here.” Jaxsen fell silent as he concentrated on the next breath. Sebastian held Jaxsen closely, reveling in the solidity of his calming essence. 

After several, long silent moments, Jaxsen spoke in a quiet whisper, “I wanted something to convince myself of.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you sent me away. Because of the baby. I could convince myself I was bad, and you couldn’t handle me. It’s better than you not loving me anymore, Daddy.” He sounded so broken, so resigned to his fate. 

“Jaxsen, I don’t know what I have to do to prove that I’m not just going to abandon you; for any reason. I’m not going to one day decide I’ve had enough.”

“I don’t want to be sent away, Daddy.” Jaxsen choked out another sob, curling more so into Sebastian. 

“Well that’s good, ‘cause I need you right here at home.” 

“Promise?”

Sebastian kissed his temple. “I promise, baby.”

“Even though I was bad?” His voice was barely above a whisper, his body trembling.

“Jack,” Sebastian said gently, “there is absolutely nothing in this world that you can do that would make me love you less.” 

Jaxsen nodded and hesitated slightly before adding, “What about Zhoni?”

Nizhoni, who had been quiet up until this point, spoke, “What about me, Yanaha?”

A tear escaped him at the pet name and his hands anchored themselves to Sebastian. “You didn’t s-stop loving me, did you, Zhoni?” The question clogged his throat and he had to force it out. He sounded so broken, knowing she would say yes.

“No, my Yanaha. I could never just stop loving you, baby.” He didn’t answer, simply stared through Sebastian’s shoulder. Nizhoni glanced at Sebastian who was keeping his eyes on his son. Nizhoni sighed. Maybe she was too harsh with him before? She was sure she was going to hear about it later. Suddenly Sebastian’s stomach reminded him he hadn’t eaten since that morning. 

“Jack, baby boy, you hungry?” Jaxsen nodded minutely. “Yeah?” Jaxsen nodded again but didn’t move. “How about some pizza?” 

Jaxsen nodded again. “Okay.” 

Sebastian nodded and kissed his forehead. “Okay.”