Dinner was eaten in mostly quiet, heavy tension. Jaxsen nervously glanced between Nizhoni and Sebastian, afraid to be the first one to speak. He sighed heavily and took another bite of his pork chop dinner Nizhoni prepared. Afterward, as per usual, Jaxsen began to gather the dishes for him and Sebastian to clean.

“Leave it, Jack. Come sit down, please.” His tone was soft, strained. Jaxsen swallowed visibly and followed Sebastian into the living room. With his head hung low, he did as instructed and sat down on the couch. He was nervous. He sat hunched over in a self-hug, head down and on the edge of his seat; as if ready to bolt at the first sign of danger. In reality Jaxsen knew he’d never get beaten here, but no matter how many times he repeated these words in his head, his fears resurfaced full force and he found himself shaking.

Sebastian, seeing his son’s quivering form, sat slowly on the coffee table; not wanting to move too fast and frighten him further. Sebastian’s next words made his blood run cold.

“I understand why you did what you did today,” Sebastian began resting forward on his knees. He kept his hands in sight and folded together. Jaxsen glanced at those hands then away again. “Now, be that as it may, I’ve given this a lot of thought and what you did, however understandable, needs to have consequences.” Jaxsen closed his eyes, tears slipping from between his lashes, and released a shaky breath that led to more tears.

Jaxsen bit his lower lip and finally met Sebastian’s gaze. His eyes held terror at what might come, fear at what the lasting repercussions would be, a small bit of pleading, hope, and something Sebastian didn’t quite know how to place…betrayal? 

His next words confirmed. “Are you going to beat me, Daddy?” His voice broke on the word ‘Daddy’. Sebastian swallowed the lump in his throat several times before it permanently stayed at bay.

“Oh, Jack…” He paused and cleared his throat. In the kitchen he heard Nizhoni clanging dishes softly as she washed them. “Jaxsen, do you remember when you first came here how I said that should you ever do something that’s bad enough to warrant consequences, that no matter what, I would never, ever raise my hand to you in anger?” Jaxsen nodded but otherwise remained silent. “Look at me, Jack.” He waited until he almost repeated the gently spoken command before aqua-marine and shining eyes met his face. Sebastian stroked the boy’s soft cheek, cupping it lovingly as he broke down. He’d flinched. Sebastian drew the boy toward him, unresisting. 

“Baby boy, I would never hurt you. That’s not going to change, Jack.” Jaxsen ringed his fingers around the cloth of Sebastian’s shirt nervously, compulsively clutching and relaxing his hands. 

“I’m sorry, Daddy,” he wailed, his cries muffled against Sebastian’s shirt. Sebastian rocked him calmly, whispering soothing messages against his ear until finally, he was calm. Sebastian pulled back to look at his son, breaking contact with him and moved back to the coffee table. He looked a pathetic, small mess, with red, swollen and tear-stained eyes, his cheeks were puffy, red and he had a stuffy nose. He chewed his bottom lip in apprehension.

“Jack, do you know…can you even begin to fathom how Nizhoni felt when you didn’t come out of the school? Do you know the heart-stopping fear I felt when she called me and told me you were missing?” Sebastian took a deep breath, holding it in, in an attempt to keep the emotions in check that threatened to overtake him. “How terrified I was that someone had taken you? That someone would find you dead in a ditch somewhere, or worse?” Jaxsen’s soft cries increased to quiet sobs as guilt plagued his heart. Sebastian sat quiet for several moments to allow his words to set in. Jaxsen had his arms wrapped tightly around his torso, his fists balled into his shirt. His head was down, his eyes squeezed shut as if attempting to dispel Sebastian’s sad gaze. “This stunt you pulled today is unacceptable and it’s inexcusable, Jaxsen. And I can’t allow this to simply be swept under the rug. To what I’m about to tell you there are no negotiations, no other options. I don’t want to hear any complaints during the term of this punishment. Do you understand?” Jaxsen nodded and sniffled. “You are grounded for one month. You will go nowhere other than school and back home. When you get home you will do homework, if you have any, then you will clean a section of the house. I’ll have a list of things each day for you to do.

“You can still have your after school snack before you begin cleaning. I’ll still help you with the dishes as per usual.” He paused before continuing, “For thirty days from today you will have no TV unless you’re in the living room with us. I’m not going to sequester you to your room. Other than that, no books, no Xbox, or any other console, no computers, no phones, no company. Do you understand this punishment?” Sebastian asked gently.

Jaxsen nodded and wiped his eyes. “Yes, Daddy.”

“Do you understand the magnitude of what you did today?”

“Y-yes, Daddy. I understand. I’m sorry.”

“I know,” he sighed before asking his final question. “Considering what you did, do you feel this is punishment enough to make you never do something like this again?”

Jaxsen nodded, gnawing on his bottom lip. “Daddy?” His voice was strained and choked. 

“What, sweet boy?” 

Jaxsen took a couple deep breaths before asking, “Are you still mad at me?”

“No, baby. I’m relieved you’re not hurt. But I’m also very disappointed.”

“In me.” He stated it as fact not in question, though the question was in his eyes.

“Some, yeah. Mostly though, Jack, I’m disappointed in myself.” Jaxsen, by this point had dried his tears, began tearing up. This comment felt to the boy like being stabbed in the heart.

“Why? I’m the screw-up.”

“You’re not a screw-up, Jack. You messed up. There’s no denying that. But that’s life, sweet boy. You learn by making mistakes. And I’m disappointed in myself because I thought we’d gotten pretty close since you first came here,” he said, breaking eye contact. “I thought I’d earned enough of your trust and respect for you to come to me with the big stuff as well as the little stuff. I thought that you felt safe enough that you could come to me about anything. 

“No matter how hard it may be or how scared you might be. Was I wrong, Jack?”

Jaxsen shook his head and hugged himself. “No. No, you weren’t wrong, Daddy.” He sniffled before a sob escaped him. “I do feel safe with you, Daddy. Since my mommy and daddy I’ve never felt safer, I promise.” He doubled over as if in great physical pain, arms wrapped around his center, quiet sobbing blanketing a quiet chaos, punctuated only by thundering gasps as he breathed. Figuring the child had now had enough of a lack of comfort on his part, moved to the couch and in lifting Jaxsen into his lap, wrapped his arms completely around him.

It was almost midnight when Sebastian sank to his bed, head in hands, fingers gripping his hair. Now that everything was said and done, Sebastian began to feel himself slipping of the tightly reigned in emotions. His whole body shivered, not unlike how Jaxsen had been earlier in the night. Nizhoni shut off the adjoining bathroom’s light, startling Sebastian as she stepped between his knees.

His arms wound her thighs, his face pressed gently into her abdomen. She held him close, running her fingers softly through his hair as the levee finally broke. His mind raced with possibilities that hadn’t occurred, but he couldn’t stop his mind from beating him into submission.

“God, Nizhoni, I was so scared. I thought I’d lost him, too. I kept seeing him dead-I kept finding him dead.” His breathing became heavy, uneven gasps as the panic finally set in. “I kept thinking I’d failed him just like I failed Danny. I wouldn’t survive losing him, too, Zhoni. I don’t know how I survived losing Daniel…I wouldn’t if I lost him, too. God, I thought I lost him, too.” Words were cut off as choking sobs erupted from his chest. Nizhoni stood and held him, swaying slightly back and forth until his tears finally ran dry.

“Daddy?” Sebastian looked up from making breakfast.

“What, Jack?” He’d turned back to the food, but when Jaxsen didn’t answer for several moments, turned back. Jaxsen had his eyes squeezed shut, his fists clenched on the table, his lower lip between his teeth. Small, defiant tears fell. Sebastian turned off the burner, and knelt down beside him.

“What’s the matter, sweet boy?”

Jaxsen took a breath. “Can I please stay home, Daddy? Will you stay with me?”

“If you need to, Jack. What’s wrong, baby?”

He took a shaky breath as more tears rolled in never ending streams from his eyes. “I don’t know. I don’t f-feel good.”

Sebastian brushed his hair from Jaxsen’s face. “What kinda not feel good? Does your tummy hurt, you feel sick?”

Jaxsen shook his head. “No. I feel really sad and I don’t feel good. I’m just really sad, Daddy.” The look in his sky-blue eyes broke his heart. He was sure this was still a part of yesterday’s heightened emotional states carrying on into the next day. 

Sebastian nodded. “Alright, Jack. We’ll stay home just the two of us, alright?” 

Jaxsen nodded and hung his head. “’Kay. ‘m sorry, Daddy.”

Sebastian frowned. “For what, sweet one?” 

Jaxsen shrugged and gnawed on his lip before answering, “For crying so much all the time. And for making you have to deal with it. F-for being a baby all the time. For…for being a pussy bitch.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened at those last words. He said, “Whoa, Jack where did that come from?” He had a fair idea where he’d heard that.

“That’s what Mr. Cunningham used to tell me when I’d cry. ‘Stop being a pussy ass bitch!’ He always said that after hitting me and I’d cry. And then he’d hit me some more.” Jaxsen looked Sebastian in the eye, his own eyes shining bright with unshed tears. “Am I really a…what he said…because I cry a lot? Does that make me bad?”

Sebastian’s eyes softened even more. “No, Jack. No, you’re not bad at all. Tears,” he reached out and brushed away the wetness from the boy’s cheek, “don’t measure a man. And neither does a lack of tears.”

Jaxsen frowned and wiped his nose with his shoulder. “I don’t understand.”

Sebastian smiled lightly. “Tell you what, how about I make us breakfast.” He glanced at the pan on the stove. “One that isn’t turning to mush.” Jaxsen giggled, his eyes brightening considerably. “We can eat, maybe watch a movie, and then we’ll have a sit down and have a good talk of mice and men. Plan?”

Jaxsen smiled, for a moment his worries were forgotten. “Plan,” he confirmed with a single nod. The atmosphere lightened and they spoke of happier matters, both content for a window of peace in the midst of underlying chaos. For breakfast they dined on mushroom and cheese omelets with diced ham and green bell peppers. Sebastian made it a point to make Jaxsen smile or even laugh, and ended up picking ‘The Lion King’ as their breakfast movie. Jaxsen’s ‘all-time favorite.’

Sebastian wrapped his arm around the boy’s slender shoulders, pulling his close against his side. Jaxsen turned slightly into Sebastian, his left arm snaking around Sebastian’s ribs. They sang loudly each song that played, mimicked the character’s lines to one another and laughed. Sebastian wanted to lift the boy. He’d had so much happen in such a short amount of time. He wanted nothing more than to erase the pain in his heart.

Too much for someone so young. They laughed through the movie and Jaxsen found himself thinking maybe he really wouldn’t be pushed to the wayside. Sebastian was determined to prove it. When the credits rolled Sebastian shut off the TV and DVD player. The air around them tightened and Jaxsen’s smile fell.

“Hey,” Sebastian said, “don’t look so glum, huh?”

Jaxsen shrugged. “I’m scared.” He turned sideways on the couch crossing his legs under him, tenaciously ready to face whatever Sebastian had to say. Sebastian looked at his son and his heart swelled. He loved him more than he thought was possible to love another human being.

“I just don’t understand what you meant,” Jaxsen continued. “I always heard ‘take it like a man’, or ‘man up’. Or ‘quit being a little girl.” He looked at Sebastian with a small frown. “If not showing emotion or that you’re hurting or anything isn’t ‘being a man’ then…what is? What measures a man, Daddy?” 

“What do you think?”

Jaxsen shrugged. “I don’t know. How my daddy was. How you are.”

“How’s that?” Sebastian asked, scratching his nose.

Jaxsen frowned in concentration trying to form his words correctly. “Well…just that…you aren’t mean. And you love me and Daniel and Zhoni. You’re forgiving and understanding and…you’d do anything for us. My daddy was like that, too. Is that it?”

Sebastian smiled gently. “That’s part of it. A man, Jack, is many things. He's a protector, provider-and I’m not meaning monetary provisions, either. Whatever person you end up giving your heart to, be it love or friendship, there are things that are expected. A real man nurtures those relationships. Takes care of them. A real man stands up for his morals and beliefs. He stands up for those who are less fortunate. For people who can’t stand up for themselves. Emotions aren’t a sign of weakness, nor is asking for help if you need it.

“Sometimes asking for help takes more strength than not. Sometimes allowing someone to help or know how you feel is manlier than hiding and facing it alone. Do you understand?”

Jaxsen nodded as he thought about what Sebastian had told him. “It’s hard though. To ask for help when I’m scared. I wanted to tell you I was scared about the baby. But I was scared to.”

“Why is that?” He shrugged, breaking eye contact with him. “What, Jack?”

“Well…one night when they thought I was asleep, I overheard the Masterson’s talking about me. Mrs. Masterson said that it would be hard to give me up, but that if she had to choose, she’d choose her own blood first. Then he said if I didn’t cry all the time and wasn’t always so emotional and with ‘less problems’ they could keep me…but that I was too much to deal with like this.” A tear fell from his eyes and he roughly wiped it away.

“Ever since they died people have made fun of me or rejected me, or did really bad things to me for crying too much. And I hate it!” He slammed his balled fists against his knee. “And I was scared that you would feel the same way. Th-that I would be too much. That my emotional outbursts and fears and insecurities would make you send me away like it made them send me away. ‘Cause I’m not really yours and you would keep the baby over me. And that scared me, Daddy, ‘cause I don’t wanna leave.”

Sebastian held out his arms to which Jaxsen readily went. “Sh, baby, you never have to worry about that. Not anymore. You’re home. You’re family.” Sebastian pulled away to look the boy in the eyes. “I love you, Jaxsen. Blood lines notwithstanding, you are my son. You are really mine. A new baby won’t take me away, nor will it mean you’re no longer welcome. The baby won’t make me love you any less, my sweet boy.”

Jaxsen nodded into Sebastian’s chest. “I’m sorry I’m still scared,” he whispered brokenly.

“It’s okay to get scared, Jack. Everyone gets scared, just like everyone cries. Even those who are mean cry sometimes.”