He watched the sun sink below the horizon from his found perch. He sat alone, only the crows and remaining birds being pushed by a brisk wind kept his lonely company. The trees rocked gently with the wind’s quiet lullaby and with tear-blurred vision he watched the show. He checked the time on the wristwatch, a gift from Sebastian that hadn’t left its spot since being fastened there a few months previous. 4:30. He had thought that Sebastian must by now be aware of his absence. It doesn’t matter either way. He thought bitterly as he hunkered further down into his coat. He wasn’t directly in the wind, but he wasn’t immune to its affects either as confusion and pain echoed in his chaotic mind, and breaking heart. Quiet sobs shook his shoulders and made his chest ache with a familiar sense of abandonment and loss. 

He wanted to scream to the high heavens but his throat was too closed to allow such a feat. He blinked and the sun snuffed out like a lighted candle. He looked around, eyes slowly adjusting to the lack of light, and realized how alone he was. He hugged himself in vain attempts to keep warm in the plummeting elements, despite his thick winter coat. Tears rolled lazily down his cheeks, freezing in crystalline trails as his breath came in puffy tufts of steam. He tried not to think of or measure the loss he felt at the moment, or how even as he tried to staunch that thought train, his heart clenched, sending sharp tendrils of agony throughout his cold body.

He’d been so close to having a real family that really loved him and wanted him. He hugged himself tighter, small fists balled into his hair, forehead pressed tightly to his knees and screamed.

Sebastian Green stood at the stone cougar deep in thought. It was Thursday night and the temperature had dropped several degrees below freezing. It was just after 5:30 pm. He’d received a frantic call from Nizhoni at three, having waited almost half an hour before beginning to search for the errant child. After coming up short at his classrooms and checking the bathrooms to find them all but deserted, went to the front desk to make sure he hadn’t any reason to stay late he had forgotten to mention.

At precisely 3:06 p.m. Sebastian got the news: his son was missing. Normally he’d have been teaching a part time writing course, but it was not back in session until mid-way through April, so instead he was researching for his newest book at a local library when the call came. Not knowing where else to look, Sebastian found himself back where he’d started. He was worried and scared and angry. He had a pretty good idea as to what caused Jaxsen’s vanishing act, but that wasn’t an excuse for pulling something like this. Feeling restless he pushed himself from the stone feline and walked west, away from the school. 

He looked around at his surroundings, glancing in alleyways and behind buildings and homes. He walked slowly, eyes watering from the cold and blistering wind. He walked more than a quarter mile into Northpointe, an upper middle class neighborhood in the district. Call it instinct, but something told him-no-pulled him further into the neighborhood, telling him his son was close by. Finally he reached a park, looking up from his feet to find it standing before him. The wind gusted, seemingly to try and scoop him up and carry him toward the equipment. 

“Jack?” His voice came out quiet and thin, cracking in the center. He looked around but all was quiet, the only movement being the trees.

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting in his hiding place, but he was snapped from the thoughts that brought him despair he never thought he’d feel again by a soft hail of his name.

“Jack, please, sweet boy…where are you?” Jaxsen frowned. Sebastian was here? A panging shot through him at that…was he still ‘Daddy’? Or did he have to revert back to calling him ‘Bastian’? Tears sprung once more to his eyes. He looked to his left and saw Sebastian’s legs stop short in front of the tunnel’s end in which he hid.

“Jaxsen!” He roared, his voice echoing. Then he heard something that had Jaxsen crawling towards those legs. “Please, sweet boy, answer me. Please, Jack.” Sebastian let out a heavy sigh as his hopes began to dash. He couldn’t survive losing him, too.

“Daddy.”

“Daddy.” Sebastian swung around to his right and looked down. His heart leapt at the sight before him.

“Oh my God, Jaxsen.” He bent down and scooped his small frame up and into his arms, hugging him tightly to his breast. Tears formed in his eyes as small, cold arms wrapped around his neck. Getting hold of himself he pulled back to look Jaxsen in the face. “Are you alright?” His voice was tight, controlled, as anger for needless worry assaulted him. Jaxsen nodded and looked down. Sebastian nodded once, set his jaw and Jaxsen on his feet, grabbed the boy’s hand and made the way back to the truck. 

Once Jaxsen was buckled in, Sebastian called Nizhoni as he got into the driver’s side, an ever present scowl on his handsome face. “Hey, it’s me. I’ve got him, he’s okay.” There was a pause before, “Hiding in a…tunnel…thing…” He gestured with his hand as he spoke. “At a park not far from the school.” Another pause. “No, we’re on our way home now.”

Jaxsen watched Sebastian’s face in the rear view mirror. He looked mad and upset. 

“No, we’re going to have a nice conversation about this when we get home.” Sebastian’s eyes met Jaxsen’s in the mirror, who promptly looked away. The boy was worried. Good Sebastian thought, let him worry for a while. To Nizhoni he said, “I love you, too, baby. We’ll be home soon.” He hung up the phone and the rest of the ride was completed in silence. Soon they arrived home, pulling slowly in the driveway, snow crunching under the truck’s tires. 

Jaxsen sat, afraid to move before Sebastian did. Not since he’d first arrived at this house had he been afraid of this man he’d come to call ‘Daddy’. Not when he was angry. He didn’t think nightmares counted. Jaxsen wrapped his arms around himself in a self-hug and tried making himself very small. He tried to control his breathing in order to control his heightened anxiety, fear, and other emotions.

One Week Prior

“Jack, can you come down here for a few?” Sebastian called from the bottom of the stairs. Jaxsen, who’d been picking up his room after his sleepover with Basil, dropped what was in his hands on the bed and proceeded downstairs. Jaxsen frowned at the look on Sebastian’s face. He seemed both excited and nervous.

“What’s up?” he asked, stopping a few steps from the bottom. For reasons he didn’t know or yet understand, his heart clenched and his stomach dropped. 

“Come sit for a minute. Nizhoni and I want to talk to you about something.” Sebastian smiled and waved him over as he went to the living room, taking a seat on the couch.

“What’s going on?” Jaxsen asked, anxiety clearly written all over his face and posture. 

“Jack, don’t look so worried, huh? Its good news.” Jaxsen relaxed only slightly. In most cases in his experience other people’s good news wasn’t so great in his perspective. Sebastian looked at Nizhoni and she smiled. She had a look on her face that he didn’t recognize. Then Jaxsen’s eyes switched back to Sebastian’s and as it hit him, the realization stole his breath.

No! Nonononono! Don’t let it be that, please, not that! He begged silently, already feeling his eyes beginning to water.

“Jack, Nizhoni’s pregnant.” Sebastian smiled. Jaxsen’s heart crumbled. “You’re going to have a little brother or sister.” Jaxsen nodded trying mightily to hide his devastation. 

Sebastian shut off the engine but didn’t move to exit the truck. “Daddy, I-” Jaxsen began just to be interrupted.

“Save it, Jaxsen. We’ll talk inside. Let’s go.” With his head low he followed Sebastian inside the house, tears already slowly falling. Nizhoni met them half way from the living room to the front door. She knelt down in front of Jaxsen, her hand resting center his chest.

“Yanaha,” she said softly, gently wiping the tears from his face, “are you alright, baby?” Jaxsen shrugged and looked down. He wasn’t alright at all. He felt right back at square one. A terrified little orphan boy. More tears fell as these thoughts whispered around his head. Nizhoni pulled him into a hug and kissed his forehead, and led him over to the couch.

Jaxsen fidgeted with the hem of his shirt in fearful anxiety, his fingers flailing and dancing around each other. Would today be the day that Sebastian would strike him? Finally get tired of dealing with all his crying and insecurities? Would he say adopting him was a mistake and send him back to New York? Nizhoni sat close to him; close enough they were touching. He was shaking and wanted either of them to wrap their arms around him and comfort him. He didn’t move but to wipe his eyes.

A bit more collected Sebastian came into the room and sat in front of his son on the coffee table. He leaned forward on his elbows, his knees supporting his weight. He waited a moment before speaking, taking a few deep breaths.

“Want to tell me what’s going on, Jaxsen?” Jaxsen shrugged, not meeting his eyes. “So, what then? You just decide to cut the last half of class today and run off and hide for no apparent reason? Is that what you’re telling me?” Jaxsen bit his lip and shook his head in denial.

“What then?” Sebastian demanded.

Jaxsen took a shuddering breath and his pulse increased. “I don’t know…” he whispered, his voice cracking and straining.

“That’s not good enough, Jaxsen,” Sebastian snapped. Jaxsen cowered backward into the couch with a gasp. “Do you have any idea how scared we were when we couldn’t find you? For all we knew some damn pervert picked you up and ran off somewhere with you, doing God knows what.”

Jaxsen felt his anger rise. “So? Probably nothing I haven’t already experienced.”

Sebastian began to shake in his anger. “Oh, you want to be a smart ass, huh? You telling me you want to go back to that, huh?” Jaxsen paled at his words.

“Sebastian,” Nizhoni warned. She could feel the boy quivering next to her. He shook his head, a sob escaping him. Sebastian closed his eyes, his heart breaking.

“Jaxsen, look at me, sweet boy.” Sebastian forced calm into his voice though he felt anything but. It took several moments but Jaxsen finally lifted his eyes to Sebastian’s. “What’s going on, Jack?” His tone and voice was calmer, his eyes softer as he looked at his son, losing that hard, angry edge. Jaxsen’s tears fell heavier, his shoulders shaking with heavy lamentation. He couldn’t answer. He covered his face with his tiny hands, trying to hide as best he could. Sebastian stood and reached for his son. However when Jaxsen was touched, he jumped away, a yelp escaping him. 

“No! I’m sorry, Daddy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry…” Jaxsen repeated this mantra over and over as he hugged himself tightly and rocked back and forth. 

“Jack,” Sebastian called. The sound of the gentleness in his voice made Jaxsen cry harder. “Jaxsen, sweet boy, look at me.” Jaxsen didn’t move. After a moment Sebastian sat next to him, Nizhoni having moved over, and he lifted the boy into his lap. This time the boy did not resist, but instead clung to Sebastian, his tears falling all the heavier.

“Don’t send me back, Daddy,” Jaxsen pleaded, gripping Sebastian’s shirt in two small fists. “I’m sorry, Daddy, I’m sorry.” His voice was muted and words muffled, caused by his face being pressed into Sebastian’s chest. “I didn’t mean to scare you and Zhoni. I didn’t mean to get scared and run away. Please, Daddy, I’m sorry. Don’t send me back.” Jaxsen slumped against Sebastian, his hands in loose fists, yet still clutching, his weight against him, tears still falling.

Sebastian gently wrapped his arms around the frail child, holding him close, rocking him gently. After several, extremely long moments, Jaxsen began to calm. Nizhoni stood once he was calmer, kissed Sebastian and Jaxsen and with a word about starting dinner, walked toward the kitchen. Sebastian sat there holding his son, keeping hold closely to his emotions.

“Jack, baby boy.” Jaxsen rested his head in the hollow of Sebastian’s shoulder and chest, thumb securely in his mouth. He didn’t reply. “Jack, my love, please look at me.” Jaxsen slowly sat up, his eyes still cast downward before slowly coming up to meet his gaze. “What happened today, Jack?”

He was quiet for a moment before he answered, his words barely audible. “I…th-thought that you didn’t…wouldn’t…want me anymore. And it made me really sad, s-so I thought…I thought…that if you were just going to send me back, I’d just go.”

Sebastian frowned. “What are you talking about, Jack? Why would I send you anywhere?” 

Jaxsen took a long shuddering breath, his eyes closing against Sebastian’s gaze as his sobbing increased at actually having to spell it out. The very notion was soul crushing; let alone having to speak the words.

“Be-because you’re going to have your own baby again. A newborn would be too much to handle along with me, too.” Jaxsen leaned into Sebastian, clutching at him. Sebastian glanced up to Nizhoni, who was standing just his side of the kitchen. She smiled heavily, wiped her eyes and came forward into the living room.

“Yanaha,” Nizhoni said softly, “why would you think something like that?”

“‘Cause…y-you’ll have a baby. One that’s yours. You won’t need me anymore to fill that spot.” In answering Nizhoni’s question Jaxsen’s heart broke that much more. While speaking he spoke only to Sebastian, his tiny hand resting over Sebastian’s heart. 

“Jack,” Sebastian began, trying not to choke on his words. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Jack, sweet boy…you’re not just a temporary replacement until someone newer and smaller comes along. Baby boy, you’re not a replacement at all. I didn’t spend all that time trying to find you, getting you here, getting to know you, loving you…” Sebastian paused as Jaxsen met his eyes; lightly Sebastian wiped the boy’s tear-stained face, “to send you anywhere. Jaxsen, you’re my son. You’re not here and I didn’t adopt you because I lost Daniel. I love you, Jack, for you. This baby won’t take me from you.”

Jaxsen’s bottom lip trembled as he failed to hold back more tears. “Promise, Daddy?”

Sebastian cupped Jaxsen’s cheek, thumbing away the physical evidence of his distress. “Sweet boy, listen to me. I love you. Do you understand?” The boy nodded as a sob escaped him. “Nothing will change that, Jack. Nothing.”

Gently Sebastian tugged at him, causing the scared boy to throw himself into Sebastian’s arms. He didn’t fight the whimpers and wails and tears that escaped him. He hadn’t been this terrified in a long time. He gripped Sebastian’s shirt, his small fists locked like the jaws of a fighting Pitbull over its dinner. Sebastian held him tightly against his breast, trying not to lose to his own gathering tears.

“Sweet boy, why would you think I would send you back?”

Jaxsen’s cries became more pronounced, if it were possible, at the question. “B-b-because it happened before.” He choked out muffled words, his face still buried against Sebastian.

Unconsciously, Sebastian tightened his grip around the trembling bundle. “What do you mean?”

Jaxsen took several deep breaths before answering. “I w-was placed with a family…well, a husband and wife…and I was with them a few weeks and they said they’d adopt me. Well, then they took it all back and didn’t want me anymore because they said they were expecting a baby and how it was a surprise ‘cause they didn’t think that could happen and th-that they couldn’t handle me and a baby. So they they they gave me back.” He pressed himself bodily against Sebastian as he began to plead, “Don’t send me back, Daddy. I don’t wanna go.” He was so out of breath from crying and panic that this last sentence was spoken in a breathless whisper. 

“Jack, baby, look at me.” Sebastian pushed him back enough to look him in the eyes. “This is your home. You’re home, Jack. I would never, never send you away. We’ll still have our days, like we do now…nothing will change other than you’ll have someone to look after. Stick up for. Teach. Someone else to love you. You aren’t a replacement, baby, and you, Jaxsen, are irreplaceable.”

Jaxsen clung to Sebastian for several moments before sitting back up as Nizhoni came and sat next to them.

“Dinner is about ready,” she told Sebastian before sending Jaxsen a soft smile. 

“Zhoni?” he said in a strained whisper.

“Yes, my Yanaha?”

Jaxsen bit his lips as he considered his question. “Would I hurt the baby if I gave you a hug?”

“No, baby. I’d love nothing more than a hug from you.” And she opened her arms to him.