He just drove. With no destination in mind, he simply drove before he was forced to pull over, his vision too blurry to see, and his breath coming rampant and quick. He closed his eyes, hands clutching the wheel, and tried to remember to breathe. The calm lasted a space of nine heartbeats: he counted; before weeping loudly into his hands.

Nizhoni did not attempt an interruption of his exodus as he departed. The front door shut softly, mindful not to cause any other ruckus that might wake Jaxsen. It wasn’t until she heard the car back out and drive off that Nizhoni spoke.

“Well,” she said with faux pas airiness to her tone, “I hope you’re satisfied with that outcome.”

Rose fidgeted with the hem of her shirt abashedly. “Nizhoni, I-”

“No,” Nizhoni cut her off, her hand arching in front of her in a wave of dismissal. “No, you don’t get to defend yourself to me after knowingly using his guilt and parental incompetency complexes against him. You knew damn well what you were saying; and you know damn well you shouldn’t have. Do you know how often he’ll break down after talking about Daniel? Do you understand the manner in which you just ripped your son’s heart out by filling his head with images of his dead son in comparison to the son he had to give CPR to while that whole time terrified he, too, was going to die?” Nizhoni paused in an attempt to reign in her growing fury. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths before opening her eyes once more. 

Rose hung her head and closed her eyes as well in an attempt to tamper down her seething temper. What she had said had been true. She had been thinking of Daniel and didn’t want to break down in the room with the boy in case he’d woken up. But she did know how raw the subject was with her son. She shouldn’t have said what she did. She didn’t mean for her words to be as harsh as they had been, and if she were honest with herself, lashed out on purpose in a subconscious attempt to inflict pain to relieve some of her own. It was the wrong thing to do, but there it was.

“I…” Rose shook her head minutely, failing to swallow the lump in her throat. “I have no excuses. I was out of line.” She looked up, meeting Nizhoni’s hard gaze with a fixed and determined expression, her jaw tight and prominent. “Please tell him when he comes back I’d like to speak with him if he’ll allow it. It’s been a long day. Good night, dear.” She spoke quietly, in a dull kind of monotone Nizhoni had never heard Rose employ as a speech pattern. Rose smiled at Jaxsen, briefly patting his head before vanishing silently into her bedroom.

Jaxsen, who looked on puzzled, turned around and padded the rest of the way into the kitchen. He stopped at the threshold and frowned. Nizhoni sat at the table, her head in her hands, her face partially covered with splayed fingers.

“Zhoni?” He tentatively spoke as he tugged on her sleeve. She looked up startled before hastily wiping her eyes.

“Yanaha, what are you doing up, baby?” Her voice was thick with emotion but managed a smile nonetheless.

“Why are you crying, Zhoni? What’s the matter?” She did smile then at the worry in his eyes. He was much too young to be that old.

“Nothing, baby. Grown up stuff you needn’t trouble over, okay?” She patted his chest and breathed deeply.

“But you’re sad. And Gramma Rose is sad.” He looked around then as if seemingly for the first time to notice they were alone and the rest of the house was dark and quiet. “Zhoni, where’s my daddy?” Panic and fear instantly erupted inside his chest cavity making his whole body numb. He tried his best to keep gathering tears at bay. He didn’t understand why it still scared him so much when Sebastian left. He was always so afraid that he’d never come back. His mommy and daddy always promised they’d be there, too…and now they were gone.

“He’ll be back soon, baby. He just needed some fresh air.”

“When will he be back?” He was nervous that he wouldn’t be at all. He hated being so weak all the time. Jaxsen bit down on the inside of his lips hard enough to taste the telltale copper infamous of blood.

“He won’t be long, Jaxsen. Go back to bed, baby.” Jaxsen chewed on his bottom lip but didn’t move toward his room. He didn’t know if his open defiance would get him in trouble, but he knew he wasn’t going back to bed. Nizhoni smiled lightly and reached for him. He jerked backward, a slight whimper escaping him accidentally. 

“I’m sorry,” he verbalized, his quiet admission echoing loudly in the kitchen. Nizhoni held fast to his hand until he wasn’t nervous of being struck before gently pulling him to her.

She looked him in the eyes, sad and serious. “I will never raise my hand to you, Yanaha.” Then he threw himself into her arms. She held him tightly, her hand rubbing lightly along his back.

“I know you wouldn’t. I don’t know why I jumped. Just stupid, I guess,” he grumbled as he pulled away with a bowed head. Nizhoni pulled him into her lap, her arms supporting him, her chin resting on his tiny shoulder. His back rested heavily against her chest, his head leaned back against her left shoulder.

“It’s not stupid, Yanaha,” she chided gently.

“Is so,” he countered. “I know you’re not gonna hit me. I know you’d never hurt me. I don’t understand why I still get scared.” He frowned slightly pouting. “I shouldn’t be. I know I’m safe and you and Daddy love me. But I still get scared you’re gonna get mad ‘cause I was too bad and the illusion of safety will finally shatter.” Nizhoni squeezed his mid-section lightly as she gently rocked him.

“You remember my telling you that I was adopted when I was twelve?” Jaxsen nodded, his arms wrapping around hers as they crossed over his chest and stomach.

“Yeah, I ‘member,” he answered. “They saved you from the bad people.” Nizhoni smiled lightly, the corners of her mouth lifting and curling slightly. It amazed her that with all he’d seen and experienced that he could retain even an ounce of innocence. And he still had so much…

“It wasn’t until I was almost sixteen that I stopped flinching when my parents, or anyone, save Bastian, would reach for me. After the first six months,” she explained, “I didn’t flinch or cry out unless in a heightened emotional state. That is, with my parents. Teachers, other adults…even Rose and Patrick…I still flinched away from them for a long time. And I knew they wouldn’t hurt me.” She spoke gently, slightly swaying.

“Is that Daddy’s daddy?”

“Mhm. And a good man he was, too. See, I knew that once I’d adjusted to being there that my mom and dad would never hit me. I learned to trust them. But even after three years of being there, when I would get overly upset, or if I was too stressed…any hyper-emotional state, I would still flinch away.” She kissed his cheek. “Doesn’t mean I was stupid. It doesn’t mean you are. It just means that you’ve been hurt and sometimes, my love, old habits and old instincts become very hard to ignore. There’s not a time limit on how long it takes a person to get past trauma. You’ve been with Sebastian for less than a year, Yanaha. As it stands you were in the system longer than you’ve been out of it. Give yourself time, sweet boy. Okay?”

He nodded, not wanting to admit he just wanted it all over now. Instead he queried softly, “Did your mom and dad ever get impatient when you would flinch away even after so long?”

She shook her head. “Nope. Not once since they fostered or adopted me.”

Jaxsen paused for a moment considering his words. “Did…did Daddy ever?”

Nizhoni smiled. “No, baby,” she answered, squeezing him a bit. “He was more patient than anyone else ever had been. He won’t be any less so with you, Yanaha.”

“I worry sometimes,” he quietly admitted. 

“I know,” she said. Whatever else she was going to say was discounted by way of the front door opening. Much to Nizhoni’s surprise Jaxsen did not hop off her lap to greet him, but stayed locked around her arms, his head a heavy, yet, comfortable weight still compressing the muscles in her left shoulder.

When Sebastian came round to the living room he paused, listening for signs of consciousness. The house was quiet but there was a light to his right. Upon entering the kitchen he lingered a moment, a small grin forming. Nizhoni turned her head, a small smile in the form of a greeting, and perhaps a peace offering. Gently he kissed her and in breathing her in began to feel the knot in his chest and guts loosen, if only a fraction. Jaxsen shifted and opened his eyes and smiled.

“Hi, Daddy,” Jaxsen reached for Sebastian, who obliged him willingly.

“Hi, my sweet boy,” he answered as he kissed the side of the cheek. Jaxsen sighed, snuggled complacently and closed his eyes.

“He was just about asleep when you came in.” Nizhoni watched Sebastian wrap his arms around Jaxsen’s tiny frame. He was still so much smaller than other kids his age, so much more vulnerable, as she watched him rock back and forth, realizing the solid weight against his chest, in his arms, his eyes teared against the myriad of thoughts and emotions in his head and swallowed compulsively.

“Go put him to bed, Shijeidishjool. And then come to bed yourself.”

“Gramma Rose?” Jaxsen spooned another mouthful of oatmeal.

“What, my muffin?” Rose was seated to his right, a plate of eggs and bacon slowly vanishing from in front of her.

“Why are you and Daddy mad at each other?” Rose took a deep gulp of the high pulp orange juice, before slowly setting it back down.

“It’s complicated, darling. Neither of us is upset with you, that’s all you need to concern yourself with, okay?”

Jaxsen looked down, studying his bowl of hot cereal and shrugged. “It’s my fault. Maybe you should be mad at me if it’s my fault.” Jaxsen sniffled and balled his fists, his fingernails creating half-moon indentations into his palms. His eyes watered completely against his will, and he clenched his jaws until he heard his teeth creak under the pressure.

“It’s not your fault, Jaxsen. You don’t know the area, or the boundary lines.” She gently uncurled his fingers and smoothed out his tiny hands. 

“So that’s why you’re mad at my daddy. You think he wasn’t paying attention, huh?” His tone was soft and just as accusatory as he lowered his eyelids. Rose took a deep breath before counting to ten as she exhaled. Her nerves on the whole matter were rather raw, and she’d made a few and some personal realizations last night after Sebastian left. Sebastian was the boy’s hero and Rose didn’t want to tarnish that idolism with her own personal issues that are stuck in the past, that mercilessly broke the surface the moment Sebastian came back into her life. Before she could say anything Sebastian came through the back door.

“Good morning, Daddy.” Rose met her son’s eyes briefly before looking away again.

“Morning, Jack. Did you sleep well, sweet boy?” Sebastian gently replied, bending down, kissing the tow-headed boy before ruffling the silky, sun-kissed strands. Jaxsen nodded and pushed away the bowl of now congealed oatmeal. 

“Once you came home, I did. I don’t like it when you leave, Daddy.” Jaxsen lowered his head and Sebastian sighed tiredly.

“I know, Jack. But I didn’t go far. And no matter where I go, I’ll never leave you, Jack, okay?”

Jaxsen nodded unconvinced. “Okay, Daddy.” Sebastian made a mental note to talk to him about his doubts once they were home again. This was neither the time nor the place.

“Why don’t you go take a quick shower and once you’re all clean, I bet, if you ask really, really, really nicely, Gramma Rose will put in one of those movies she bought you, and make you some of her famous hot chocolate. How does that sound?”

Jaxsen smiled lightly and nodded before hopping down and scampering off toward the bathroom. Sebastian stood from where he’d knelt in front of Jaxsen and began to follow him from the kitchen. His name being called behind him made him halt his steps. He half turned back, irritancy covering hurt along his features. He didn’t speak but met eyes the same shade as his own. She took a breath, her lungs expanding and deflating as she dropped her gaze from his. She lightly shook her head in dismissal, closing her eyes once more as Sebastian followed Jaxsen from the room.