Sebastian waited outside the school with full intent on surprising Jaxsen, as he was expecting Nizhoni to pick him up. Sebastian usually picked Jaxsen up on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and since it was Thursday, it wasn’t his day to get him. The bell rang signaling the end of that day’s classes. Several minutes later Jaxsen and Basil came out of the building. Sebastian watched the exchange between the two. He was happy that Jaxsen had found as good a friend as he had in Basil. Then Jaxsen turned around and with his eyes pointed toward his feet, began walking towards him.

“Hey, Jack.” Jaxsen’s head snapped up, his thoughts coming to a sudden, screeching halt. Jaxsen’s eyes widened and lit up.

“Hi, Daddy.” Sebastian knelt down and hugged him.

“How was your day?”

Jaxsen shrugged. “It…sucked. I didn’t have a good day at all. I spaced out in class and didn’t hear the question so I couldn’t answer, even though I knew the answer…” he explained on the way to the car.

“I’m sorry, bud. Maybe you’ll have a better day tomorrow, huh?” 

He shrugged again as he buckled up. Making their way through after-school traffic Jaxsen asked, “So how come you picked me up today?”

Sebastian smiled. “Well they decided to let out classes a bit early for the holidays than normally planned. So I thought I’d surprise you and pick you up today.”

Jaxsen smiled a small smile. “I’m glad you did, Daddy. It was a good surprise.” They lapsed into silence as they drove; Jaxsen watching the scenery. Sebastian kept one eye on the road and one eye on his son.

“Oh, you got more of my stuff!” Jaxsen cried happily when he spotted more apple Snapple and rice pudding. Sebastian chuckled.

“Got any ideas on what you want for dinner, kiddo?” Jaxsen took a large bite of rice pudding.

“Chinese?”

Sebastian laughed outright. “You and Chinese. Boy, I swear one day you’ll gonna turn into a veggie egg roll.” Jaxsen laughed with Sebastian at the joke. It was good to see him beginning to smile again. The last couple days had been challenging for all three of them. Sebastian smiled to himself. Nizhoni had been such a big help the past several days. She’d kept him together, kept his mind from becoming too clouded.

He’d held Jaxsen long after the boy had fallen asleep. The emotional turmoil finally taking its toll. Sebastian held him nestled in his arms. He enjoyed the feeling of having the warmth and weight of his son in his arms. Finally Sebastian stood, careful not to wake Jaxsen before taking him upstairs. When he came back down Nizhoni was leaning against the armrest of the sofa, her arms crossed defensively over her chest. She didn’t look happy with him, still her features softened when she saw his face. She could see his doubts, his pain, his fears.

“You, uh…you’re mad at me, aren’t you?” He kept his gaze downward, his self-shame evident.

“Sebastian…when we were kids…and, uh, you did…that…to me…how did I respond?”

He half smiled. “When you realized it was me, you slapped me. You wanna slap me on his behalf? I’m sure I deserve it.” He shook his head. “I’m a fool, Nizhoni.” He sighed and walked past her onto the back porch and sat down on the deck steps. He held his head in his hands and he tried to remember to breathe. Nizhoni followed a moment later and sat down next to him snaking her arm around his waist. He leaned into her resting his head against her shoulder.

“You’re not a fool, Bastian. You’re a father.”

“Same thing.” They both chuckled before Sebastian sobered. “I fucked up, Nizhoni. Bad.”

“You made a mistake, Sebastian. It’ll happen. You’ll learn from it, move on, and never do it again. If he zones out again like that…Bastian that happened a lot when I was a kid. I’d dissociate and retreat from my environment to protect myself.”

“But he doesn’t have anything to protect himself from here,” Sebastian interrupted.

“He has his mind, my love. Right now he has to protect himself from himself. No, here he doesn’t need to beware flying fists and beatings, or be fearful he’ll be hurt…but, Bastian, you have to understand that post-traumatic stress isn’t going to vanish in less than one year’s time. You know that. After we met I wasn’t better in six or seven months. I mean, hell, I still have issues to work through with all that. He’s just a baby, Bastian. He’s hurt and he’s scared. The abuse to his body is over, but you know just as well as I that his demons are still fresh and he’s still scared, he’s still scarred, and he’s waiting for it all to be taken away. Sebastian, for two years before coming here he was taught he was nothing but a whipping boy. He wasn’t loved or taken care of. He was beaten and forgotten and neglected and sometimes it takes a lifetime for the wounds to heal. He loves you, but he’s vulnerable.” She looked at him. He had silent tears tracking down his face. “You’re vulnerable, too. You’re scared…and scarred…you’ll make mistakes and so will he. You’ll figure it out. Just be there for him as best you can. You’ll be fine.”

She reassured and gave him a small smile before kissing away his tears.

Sebastian pulled out the menu to their favorite Chinese take-out.

“When’s Zhoni getting home?” 

Sebastian glanced at the kitchen wall clock. It read 4:30. “Probably about an hour or so. By the time she gets home the food shouldn’t be long in her wake. You want the usual?” Jaxsen nodded and finished off his after school snack before getting up, disposing of the trash and setting his green goblet into the sink. He quietly walked over to and leaned against Sebastian, his head pressed into Sebastian’s ribs. Automatically Sebastian’s left arm snaked around Jaxsen’s shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze. Up against Sebastian, feeling the in and out of his rhythmic breathing, Jaxsen felt himself begin to relax, his eyes beginning to grow heavy. Sebastian hung up the phone and glanced down at Jaxsen. “You doing alright, Jack?”

Jaxsen shrugged. “Tired. My mind won’t let me rest.” His voice was raspy, like he’d just woken up.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He tousled Jaxsen’s hair and kissed the top of his head.

Jaxsen sighed quietly as he placed the last remaining item in his suitcase. He hadn’t slept well since Sebastian had told him they would be spending a week at his mother’s house, and that she was anxious to meet him. To say he was nervous, and on several levels, was a huge understatement. The fact that all morning and for the last several days Sebastian had been snapping at both he and Nizhoni, didn’t settle his building anxieties. It was only eight a.m. and already his chest was tight. He hoped things would calm down soon. A light knock made him look up from the folded long-sleeve shirt in his hands.

Nizhoni smiled as she entered the room. “Doing alright, Yanaha?” Jaxsen shrugged. He didn’t understand why Sebastian had been so impatient with him. Along with his nervousness about the trip, Jaxsen’s insecurities about his place at Sebastian’s house surfaced without mercy. Jaxsen had sequestered himself inside his room for not quite half an hour before, after Sebastian had snapped at him about not finishing his breakfast. 

“Almost done packing?” she asked with a false cheery tone and smile.

“Almost.”

“Jaxsen, come here, love.” She gently guided him over to the bed and sat, pulling him onto her lap, her arms locking around him. “What’s wrong, baby? Nervous about the trip?”

He nodded. “Yeah, a little. But it’s not just that.” He shrugged.

“Well, what’s bothering you then, my love?” He sniffled. The third year anniversary of his parents’ murder was seven days ago. His mind was clouded by day with emotional ups and downs as a result of the nightmares haunting his dreams. This coupled with his stressing over Sebastian’s over-reactions to minor things, he’d felt sick to his stomach for the last few days.

“I…I don’t understand why he’s so mad at me, Zhoni. He’s been yelling at me for days and I’ve been trying to be good, but nothing is good enough and he keeps yelling. Scares me.” The last bit was whispered on an exhale and Nizhoni almost missed it.

“Why does it scare you? Just yelling in general, or…?” 

He looked away. “If…if he yells…then…he must be mad at me. But if he’s not mad…I’m scared that he’s gonna get tired of me making him yell even if he’s not mad and not want me anymore and send me away.” As he made the rapid-fire confession he kept his eyes lowered. He met her gaze before he said, “I don’t want him to send me away. I wanna stay here. I don’t wanna go back to another foster family.”

Nizhoni nodded in understanding of his fears, as she was no stranger to them. “Baby, Sebastian isn’t mad at you.” She thought for a moment on how to phrase correctly what she wanted to convey. “Things have been…tense…between him and his mother for a few years now. He doesn’t see her often and when he does he often stresses himself to the point that he snaps. At everyone. He’s been snapping at me too, Yanaha.”

“H-he, he won’t send me away?”

“No, Yanaha.” She kissed his forehead. “Go ahead and finish packing, sweet boy. It’ll be alright.” He wiped his eyes and hopped off her lap. “We’ll probably be leaving in an hour or so, okay?”

“’Kay.”

“You should really go talk to Jaxsen, Sebastian. He’s still having a hard time. You yelling at him every time he blinks too loudly isn’t helping. For fuck’s sake, his…“Death Day” was seven days ago…don’t you think he’s stressed out enough?” She paused. She and Sebastian had been arguing for fifteen minutes over his attitude and treatment of Jaxsen. “He thinks you’re going to send him away. He’s scared, insecure, and hurting. You are his main source of safety and comfort and the past few days you’ve been a complete ass. He thinks you’re going to send him away, Sebastian. You realize, right, that if he’s questioning his place here, he’s doubting your love for him, don’t you?”

Sebastian, who had been leaning heavily on the dresser with his back to her, swung around to face her. “Did he say that?”

“Not in so many words, no.”

“Then how can you be so damn sure?”

Nizhoni gaped at him as if he’d swallowed his own head. “Are you seriously fucking asking me that? I’ve lived through the vicissitudes of the foster system, Sebastian. Or have you forgotten the circumstances in which we met? You’re not fucking as obtuse as you’re making yourself out to be. He’s going to go to a new place, with new surroundings, with people he doesn’t know. He needs you to be supportive, Sebastian, and you’re being a dickhead. He’s very vulnerable, and I promise you his head is screaming about his stint in foster care. Especially now.”

“Why especially now?”

“Because, Sebastian, three years ago at this time think of where he was. Losing his parents, watching it happen, and then the horrors of the next couple years are fresh. I understand you enough to know that you’re not mad, not really, but that little boy in there doesn’t.”

“I wouldn’t send him away. They wanted me to have him. It’s in their will…that I be his guardian. I’m not just a foster parent to him, I wouldn’t just…I wouldn’t do that.”

“Does he know that? Have you ever told him?”

He shook his head and sank down onto the bed, dropping his head into his hands. “No. No, I’ve never mentioned it. I guess I assumed that they told him before bringing him here.” He sighed and stood. “I should have known better.” He glanced at the bedside clock. They were leaving in just over ten minutes. He closed the remaining distance between him and his love, taking her in his arms and kissed her. The kiss was gentle, urgent, and full of need. 

“I’m sorry, baby. I’ve been such an ass…you don’t deserve it. Neither of you.” He kissed her again and sighed before leaving the room.